Halloween: User Review

(Originally posted on September 10, 2007)

Last week I put out a request for someone to write a counter review for Halloween. Seeing that so many anonymous (and some not) folks called me an idiot or an asshole for disliking the film so much, I assumed they would be able to come up with a good review that could clarify their reasons for disagreeing with me.

Well maybe they don't have thick enough skin to deal with all the insults that would be tossed THEIR way, or don't know how to write anything other than "you're wrong", or maybe they just forgot, but I only got ONE entry! ONE! Kind of sad - the request has been on the main page for 10 days now, during which time we have gotten over 10,000 hits, but out of all those people, only one guy took the time to put HIS thoughts down and review the film positively.

It's not really a traditional review for the most part, but neither are my posts, so I guess it sort of fits. At any rate, thanks to reader Chip Mayhugh for answering the call, and without further adieu, I present his review for Rob Zombie's Halloween. Enjoy!

After the first 20 or 30 minutes of Rob Zombie's new Halloween movie, I was sure little Michael Meyers was gonna grab a mic, and a baby blue sweat suit and start busting rhymes, but Haddonfield aint Detroit. Instead of picking up a pen and writing clever stanzas like the pissed off white trash kids of the late 90's, Meyers makes masks, and then he does what psycho kids do today in 2007. He killed his family.

Rob Zombie captured the summer of 2007 better than any other filmmaker. Two of the biggest horror stories of 2007 were The Virginia Tech Massacre and Michael Vick's Dog Hostel. Zombie's retelling, places a young Michael Meyers inside Jerry Springer world. His mother is a whore. Sister is a whore, and fake father is a crippled pedophile. This kid doesnt have a chance, he's killing hamsters, and whatever else he can get his hands on. And he loves wearing and making new masks.

The two Virginia Tech scumbags wore masks too. One was a mute that hid behind computer aliases, he had no friends, was getting no pussy, so he made a video and killed 30 something people. The other Hokie, Mike Vick wore a different kind of mask, a football helmet, and when he wore it he was the most loved individual in the history of the school. At night he liked to go Eli Roth on his pets.

Some of you are confused and wondering what the hell any of this has to do with Halloween. Its got alot to do with it. I wouldnt be surprised at all to turn on CNN or Fox News and see Zombie's Michael Meyers neighbor exclusive with Greta Von Braun. Zombie takes a trouble kid, and follows his journey through hell, and shows ultimately what can happen to a kid that shows serious signs of being really fucked up, when the adults around him do nothing but hope things will get better.

Pathetic health care only makes Meyers worse, and when the system totally fails him, it can no longer contain him. Zombie fails visually here going for the WWE stylized comic book character version of a Slasher. It doesnt work. We dont need a Slasher that looks like WWE, especially after seeing him as a monster with Cherub like features swinging a log at another kids head. Zombie tried too hard stylistically when he was a musician, and he still tries too hard as a director. The recurring cast members only further remove the viewer from believability. But these are small gripes for a B-movie. And thats what Halloween is, its a B-movie. And if there was a B-movie rating system, Halloween would be a 4 star movie. The cinematography is distracting and amaturish, but the nostalgic big hit song selections ballance the the compositions in a unique home made movie kind of way. And even though it is over stylized and over edited, it tells the story of todays troubled youth. The sick and violent boy that is screaming out for help, by wearing masks, and no one can see or hear the calls for help.

Parents of weird kids should see Halloween. Troubled kids put on masks. They fool adults. And of course not every kid ends up being an unstoppable Hall of Fame Slasher like Michael Meyers, but even the troubled kids that will never pick up a weapon and kill half their town, or buy a mansion in the middle of nowhere to torture dogs, are still living in tremndous pain. Recognize the symptoms. Its easy to tell that a young Jason Voorhees is fucked up, he's a tard with a bent head, uneven eyes, and he's a very poor swimmer, Michael Meyers on the other hand looks like half the kids I see Skateboarding on the steps at the bank. Carpenter's Michael Meyers was never quite as right next door. Its a different movie. We are living in a much different time.

At the end of the Summer, Jason and Michael still aren't behind bars, they are at your local box office. Talking about how fucked up everything was before things got totally fucked up. Im talking about Jason Bourne and Michael Meyers. Two fucked up kids, that you just cant kill. What are we gonna do with em.


  1. Are you fucking kidding me? That's the best anyone could come up with? Chip, you are an idiot. I hate you. Stop trying to sound smart. Rob Zombie's version of Halloween has nothing to do with social commentary. It's just a horrible movie. Learn how to spell "Myers", you dumb prick. You just ruined my day.

  2. Chip, I was a little thrown off when you started parelleling Halloween with tragic current events. Sounds like an assignment I would have had in my film study class in college. While I appreciate your attempt to parallel the movie and current events, since when did slasher films become a social commentary on our times? Your review was all over the place. You went from Michael Myers, to Michael Vick, to Jason Vorhees, and then your threw Jason Bourne in at the end? It was like an ADD hit and run. Still, at least you put yourself out there and actually posted a review. I can't say thanks for the movie review, but thanks for the year in review.

  3. That's a bit harsh, I think, Kolleen. Obviously the writer is just trying to inject some humor into his review by going so far beyond the filmaker's intent, in effect satirizing the film-snob reviews that try to make a huge deal out of every minuscule detail of the films of Bergman or Welles or Carpenter. And in that sense, despite the spelling challenges, I thought it was pretty well done.

    Don't take everything so seriously.

  4. I didn't know you were so hurting for defenses, BC, so I guess I'll just add my truncated RM boards review here, so that Chip isn't alone being tied to the stake:

    Obviously Rob was damned either way here--if he was slavishly faithful to Carpenter's version, people would say he Van Zanted it, and if he changed too much from the original, he'd be burned at the stake. What he did, in my opinion, was to take the original story and make the "exploitation version"--forgoing the minimalist suspense and tension for explosive action, gouts of blood, and lots and lots of tits. If you can get behind it on the exploitation flick level, then you can have a great time with it, which I did.

    Really, imo what Zombie (rather bravely) has done is just what the credits say: to make the Rob Zombie version of Halloween, i.e., Halloween as it would have happened in the Rob Zombie-verse. In the Zombieverse, apparently, everybody is white trash, grimy, dirty, trailer-park living reprobates, and anything evil is huge. That's just the way things work in his world. So it's an alternate earth Halloween, if you will. The Carpenter Halloween, taking place on Earth-X, is still there, still happened. Nothing destroyed it, it's safe. So take a deep breath.

    I thought H07 fit in well with Zombie's directorial style he's been developing since Ho1KC through The Devil's Rejects. Colorful, flashy, grimy, dirty, carnivalesque. If you don't like that style, it's no surprise that you wouldn't like H07; but if you do, it's a fun time.

    So Myers isn't as scary/creepy/otherworldly in this one--come on, do you think you could ever really re-create that? Especially now, given how known the property is? The way I felt about it, even if it wasn't especially scary, it WAS exciting, and I was never bored.

    Anyway, that's my reaction. Things I really liked about it: Sherri Moon's performance (though her hubby does seem to be typecasting her as a white trash stripper), the first human kill (brutal), the parade of cameos (I know most folks hated this, but for me, viewing this as an exploitation romp, it was fun), and the final chase through the Myer's house (which reminded me a lot of The Demon, which I just watched recently, and was itself a well-done Halloween clone even in 1979). But really I had fun all the way through.

    So there's my 2 cents. I dug it, and I don't think folks who did should feel like they're pissing on Carpenter's grave (even though he's not dead yet, he looks like the Cryptkeeper ) if they liked it too. That's all I got to say.

  5. Harsh, smarsh... if you can't even spell the main character's name right, you have no business writing anything on the subject.

    I take cohesive and coherent writing very seriously :( I'm sorry.

  6. "Use each of us according to our deserts, and who shall 'scape whipping?"


  7. *note--Shakespeare quote paraphrased to fit the situation. Don't want to get disregarded because the quote isn't exact. :)

    **--exact quote: "Use every man after his desert, and who shall scape whipping?" From Hamlet, naturally.

    ***--Shakespeare often misspelled his own name. There are several documents in existence in which he spelled it several different ways. I'm just saying. ;)

  8. Woohoo. I knew I would win. Ok, who do I thank...I made a list. First I would like to thank HMAD, Apple, and AMC theaters. Sorry about my spelling but I was wasted when that happened. Paris, I see you pointing! House of Wax in the house y'all. Im hurrying. I kept checking HMAD on the 7th and was like, "Dont tell me I didnt win that thing?" I had to win it. Not because I thought my rambling rant was any good, but because I knew how tough the challenge was.

    I remember spitting on the ground when I saw the poster for GVZ's Psycho back in 98. Remakes are here to stay folks. You cant live in the past. And a Friday with Slasher stuff getting a theatrical release is better than a Friday without any.

    The important thing here is that I won. Mispellings and all I still won, again. And just like Mike MYERS, you cannot stop me.

    To all the haters out there. Jealousy is a disease, get well soon. Thats right. You think you can place words next to each other? Then you should have entered a submission piece.

    I closing, thanks to The 2 Live Crew for defending the 1st Amendment. thanks to former Miami Hurricane Wide Receiver Michael Irvin for making it into the Hall of Fame. Of course big thanks, to John Carpenter, Debra Hill, Jamie Lee Curtis. Shout outs to Freddy, Jason, Pinhead, Pumpkinhead, the T-2000, Jason Bourne, Leatherface, The folks over at The Cut-Rite store, Jack Torrence, Tony, room 237, everybody I forgot, I love yall, good night! And thank you HMAD! Now Im going out to buy me a new leg lamp!

    Horror Movie A Day's Best Positive Review of The Halloween Remake Winner 2007

    Chip Mayhugh


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