Video Game Review: Left 4 Dead

I don’t know why it’s taken so long for someone to make Left 4 Dead, considering the total simplicity of it all. While most zombie based games revolve around complex storylines (Dead Rising, the Resident Evil games) and/or a focus on puzzle solving, L4D just strips everything down to the basics: You have a gun, a small stash of ammo, a healthpack, and 3 fellow survivors watching your back (provided you watch theirs). Get from point A to B without getting killed by an endless stream of zombies. That’s it.

The great thing about L4D is that it’s possibly the first next-gen game that captures the feeling of an arcade classic like Pac-Man or Asteroids. The story is non-existent, the gameplay rather repetitive, and the changes in background are mostly cosmetic (be it a sewer, a cornfield, or a train station, there is precious little difference between any of the 20 levels in the game). But damned if I didn’t play it for 5 straight hours last night, and was greeted with the “when I shut my eyes I am still playing the game” feeling usually associated with Tetris or Hexic (or Spider Solitaire, my deepest addiction).

And yet I’m playing a rental. I’m hardly thrifty when it comes to video game buying; I own about 30 X360 games, half of which I’ve never even played, and probably another half dozen I’ve never finished. So why haven’t I added this to the collection? Simple: the offline component is damn near worthless. Sure, there is a visceral element to enjoy, but that hardly justifies a 60 dollar cost. Should the internet get turned off forever, L4D would be as worthless as a World of Warcraft disc, as far as I’m concerned.

The reason for this is as simple as the game itself: it’s too short (you can play all four campaigns in under as many hours) and has very little replay value. Much has been made of the game’s “never the same twice” element, but that only refers to where zombies spawn and (less likely to change) locations of special items like Molotov cocktails or pain pills. I’m sorry, but just because the fat puking zombie appeared on the right side of the train instead of the left like he did the time before doesn’t make it a new game. Plus, the lack of checkpoints results in a very frustrating experience; more than once I was within sight of the “safehouse” (get there to beat the level) only to be swarmed and killed, which resulted in having to do the entire level over again. Even a single “halfway” checkpoint would improve things greatly.

I should quickly mention the big finales for each campaign (one is seen below). They are a lot of fun, even offline, and I almost wish there were more moments like them throughout the campaign. You call for rescue and the guy tells you he'll be there in 10 minutes (not realtime, thankfully), so you have to defend the position until then. It's the type of scenario you find in Gears of War or whatever, but when your rescue is at stake (the boat/ship/whatever will just leave without you if you don't get there quick enough once he arrives) it becomes all the more exciting. Still, since these are by far the most difficult parts of the game (except, bizarrely, for the final campaign's, which is almost criminally easy due to its having a closet that a blind man could defend), I wish they were their own stage, so that a death didn't mean having to also replay the 5-10 minutes of game stage that led to it.

Another issue concerning replayability is the lack of things to do to change HOW you play. The four characters are completely interchangeable, so it doesn’t make any difference which one you use, and there are only the four basic styles of gun to use (shotgun, machine gun, pistol, and sniper rifle. No flamethrowers or chainsaws here). Every level has one “puzzle” (for lack of a better word) like opening an emergency exit or turning on a forklift, which results in a massive zombie horde descending upon you, but these tasks are superfluous and require less brainpower than it takes to press start at the beginning of the game. Maybe if the designers changed up things like the safehouse location (they are often a single room in a large complex, but there’s an onscreen icon that shows you where it is once you’re in the vicinity) and how to proceed past certain obstacles, they’d have something, but otherwise, if you don’t have an XBL gold account or a 2nd controller for a friend (preferably a 3rd and 4th as well), then you won’t even make up an entire weekend’s worth of playtime with it.

BUT, and it’s a huge but, the online component is simply awesome. The more actual people that are playing, the better it is (if you only have 3 guys, the AI will control the 4th). Most fun is VS, in which you alternate between playing as humans and playing as the special zombies that pop up from time to time in the game, such as a Smoker (guy with a long tongue that can drag someone away), a Hunter (pounce around and swipe), a Boomer (puke gas that attracts regular zombies), or a Tank (a giant monster that takes about an entire ammo supply to kill). This is where strategy and “it’s different every time” gameplay factors in, as you can choose your spawn point. Do you spawn behind the heroes and get them from behind? Or ambush them from a concealed position ahead? And if you have a good team, you can work together: have a Smoker pull someone in, have the Boomer puke on them, and let the attracted zombies finish him/her off while you move on to the next target. Since the heroes never get to do anything but shoot and run, being bad also means getting to tax your brain skills a tiny bit.

And even the campaigns, while still a bit dull in execution (and why do our heroes insist on fleeing in the middle of the night?), are vastly more entertaining when you are going at it with friends or random Xbox folk. At least, provided they play as a team. Last night the team got split in two; me and my “partner” were killed because the other two were too far off to help. But as we watched them play from the “ghost camera”, we saw one of them get in trouble, and the other guy just concerned himself with running around in circles and practicing headshots rather than help. It wasn't our distance, the guy was just an asshole. Of course, they both ended up dying within seconds as well, and the asshole was kicked off the team. Luckily, he was a rarity in the evening, most players understood the concept of the game and worked well with strangers. Having a headset is a must though; you need to be able to shout out locations and upcoming enemies to your teammates in order to all get through alive. But the human element also makes for a more interesting gameplay dynamic – the AI teammates will always try to save you (and often succeed), and seemingly have eyes like a hawk when it comes to spotting hidden special zombies, but when its down to the wire, a human may choose to save himself rather than risk both of you dying, and even a rescue attempt isn't always successful due to not seeing a Hunter that was lying in wait.

There is also a zombie called a Witch that the AI teammates never fail to alert, even though skipping past them is actually quite easy. With all four members being played by human beings, Witches are hardly ever a problem (they are pretty much the most vicious enemies in the game, they can incapacitate you instantly. Even the Tank takes 2-3 hits to do that).

Achievement points are given out at a nice clip as well. If you play well you can expect to get 3-4 per campaign, plus the end of the level completion one no matter what. After about 5 hours I managed to get nearly half of the awards, and like Gears of War 2, there is a way to keep track of the ones with “Kill X amount of zombies with ____” type setups, which is awesome if you’re a compulsive. “Only 43 more kills for the incinerator achievement!”. My favorite, and one I’ll probably never actually earn, is "Zombie Genocidest", which rewards you for killing 53,595 zombies. It’s an in-joke to Dead Rising’s "Zombie Genocider", which rewarded you for taking out 53,594 of the undead (the number isn’t completely random – it’s the population of the town the game takes place in). I believe this is the first AP to reference another game (one not even the same game company), so this made me smile. But since my current count is around 2k, I don’t expect I’ll get this one anytime soon, if ever. Still, having the counter is a great touch, and I hope to see it in more games.

So is it worth your 60 bucks? Yeah, if your friends can guarantee they will play it for a while, and/or you are very friendly with strangers over XBLive. Valve has promised extra campaign maps (including, YES!, one based on the mall from Dawn ’04), which means that there is something to look forward to. Also, as of right now, only 2 of the 4 campaigns are available on VS, so I hope that the other 2 will be coming along. But if you aren’t equipped to go online, you really won’t get the “good” part of the game, and you’ll be spending 60 bucks on something that takes less time to play through than some 8 bit Nintendo games. Like the Battlefield 1942 games and all their sequels, the offline campaign is seemingly there just to milk a few bucks out of dialup stricken sods, or to be used as a slightly more entertaining tutorial. Online is where it’s at, but given the fickle game market, the next big online game could wipe the Left 4 Dead servers dry as everyone moves on (think it can’t happen? Go try to find an online game of Condemned 2 going on right now). I can’t help but compare it to say Halo 3, which I still play 2-3 times a week, and thus have more than justified its cost. Will L4D last as long? Time will tell. But if Gamefly and Blockbuster are no help, then suck it up and fork over the dough now while it’s at its prime.

What say you?

P.S. I know this is Youtube, but even so, you can probably tell that the game's graphics aren't exactly the greatest you'll see. Everything looks too thin, and there aren't a lot of impressive lighting/texture things either. However, this pays off - there is almost never any slowdown or framerate issues, no matter how many zombies are onscreen. And you'll usually be too busy running and shooting to notice.

PLEASE, GO ON...

Want Some Free Art Lessons?

If you liked Repo (or just cool art in general), chances are you dug the comic-book style art seen in the film, all of which was created by Graverobber himself, Mr. Terrance Zdunich. And if his comic The Molting (Issue 4 is now available for pre-order HERE!) isn't enough for you, you can now take some free art lessons from him at his official site (via youtube). Sounds like a pretty great idea (he describes it as "Bob Ross meets Ted Bundy"); hell, I might even "enroll" myself! It's going to be a 14 part series, with a new lesson arriving each Tuesday until the "course" is complete! And if the first lesson is any indication, The Tutor is definitely going to be the most unique instructor ever. Check out the official site HERE for the first lesson and more info, and have fun!

PLEASE, GO ON...

Intro

I am Brian, and I watch a horror movie a day. Not because I am obsessive compulsive (well, I am, but that’s not why I do this, at least as far as you know), but because, well, why not? There are certainly worse things one could do every day. Like watch Law & Order, or smoke, or go to work.

But really, the reason is simple: I love horror movies. I have since I was a kid. My mom rented Texas Chain Saw Massacre for me when I was 6 years old. By my tenth birthday I had seen the entire Chainsaw series, plus all of the Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm St, and Shocker movies (Yes, I know there was only one Shocker, but that’s the world’s problem, not mine). There is nothing else I liked when I was six that I still like now. Behold the power of gore, bad acting, and musical stings!!!

No one gets more passionate about a film genre than a horror fan. Who debates westerns? Where are the RomCom Cons? They don’t exist. But Horror cons are common, and why? Fans like talking the films. A real horror fan can talk about a film for hours on end, even if he didn’t like it. And to me, talking about the movie is just as fun, if not more so, than watching it.

But I can’t talk about it if I haven’t seen it.

Sometimes I would look at my DVDs and realize it had been weeks since I watched one. My Netflix discs, some of which shipped months before, would still be sealed. I had to remedy that.

So I decided, come hell or high water, from that day forward, I would watch a horror movie a day. More specifically, one I couldn’t discuss with another fan in any reasonable fashion, either because I had not seen it, or it had been so long since I had that I could no longer recall much about it. They wouldn’t all be classics. They wouldn’t all be obscure Italian movies. They certainly wouldn’t all be good. But they’d all be horror, and that was my only prerequisite.

This blog will be updated every day with my comments on whatever movie I chose that day. Ideally, folks who have seen it will add their own thoughts. As I do not always write full blown reviews, I’d like it to be the blog equivalent of discussing a movie with your friends after watching it. If you just saw a movie with your friend, you don’t turn to him and offer a plot synopsis. He’d think you were an idiot, or think you thought HE was an idiot and needed the plot recapped for him. Either way someone would be rightfully punched in the groin. No, after you see a movie with your friend, you’re more likely to turn to him and randomly shout out a quote, or poke fun at one of the performances, or whatever. That’s what I’d like to achieve here. As a result, one should not read the thread unless they’ve seen the movie. I write everything assuming you have seen it, and thus spoilers will be included and not marked as such. I will also not offer much in the way of a plot synopsis. The title of the film is the title of the thread. If you haven’t seen it, you probably don’t want to open the thread until you have. What kind of person wants to know how The Wolf Man ends before they have seen it?

(He dies.)

Enjoy!

PLEASE, GO ON...

FAQ

1. WHO ARE YOU?

I dunno, some guy. I love horror movies. Who cares? I will say I am kind of a wiseass and I have an odd sense of humor. I also tend to go off on tangents, and tangents on tangents. When you read these things, just imagine a guy at a bar next to you who’s had a few too many and doesn’t realize you’re not interested. But if you must know, my name is Brian, and I work as an editor of sorts out in Los Angeles

2. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

OK I know I am harsh on some films. But it’s just my honest opinion. I am no horror authority (if such a thing exists), nor have I ever taken any writing/journalism classes, so you shouldn’t even be taking me seriously anyway. I did however attend film school and thus I DO know how hard it is to make a film (and being lazy, it’s why I no longer do so). So while I may tear a film apart, I will refrain from insulting the filmmakers on a personal level (however, if the film shows a blatant lack of concern for anything but the desire to make a few bucks, all bets are off. See Drive Thru) . I liken it to when a friend of yours wears gets a bad tattoo, and you make fun of the tattoo, not him. Basically, “You’re ok, but that’s a really awful tattoo.” Same thing with a film. Sometimes a film just doesn’t work for whatever reason. Hell, the guy who made my favorite movie of all time (Halloween) also made one of the worst movies I have ever seen (Ghosts of Mars). At the end of the day, one thing everyone should remember is: EVERY movie, EVER made, is someone’s favorite movie. Yes, even Halloween: Resurrection. One guy’s opinion is simply that.

3. DO YOU REALLY WATCH A MOVIE EVERY DAY?

Yes! In fact, writing a review for each movie was something I came up with after about a month or so of daily movie watching. I don't just review a film a day, nor do I watch a few movies over the weekend and spread the reviews out over the week. Every day, at some point between 12:01 AM and 11:59 PM, I at least start a horror movie (sometimes I have to go see a movie that starts at 11 PM, obviously it wont be done until after 12). No exceptions, no cheating!

4. ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS FOREVER? WHAT IF YOU RUN OUT OF MOVIES?

Well, I doubt that's possible, what with a dozen hitting DVD every week. I think I'll stop when I need to watch Return to Horror High again. RtHH was the very first movie I watched for Horror Movie A Day, and I didn't write a review at the time. So when the day comes that I can't remember anything about it, I'll watch it, review it, and retire. I like coming full circle on things.

5. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE HORROR FILMS?

Halloween is my favorite piece of entertainment. Not just horror movie, not even just movie, it’s my favorite THING. It’s the film that made me stop just liking movies and instead want to be a part of them. Others include, in no order, Dawn of the Dead, Shocker, Texas Chain Saw Massacre, The Thing (1982), My Bloody Valentine, and Halloween 4. Since I watch these movies quite often, I will add reviews for those over time, they will be referred to as "Non Canon Reviews", as I will still have to watch a new movie on those days.

6. WHY DON’T YOU ASSIGN A LETTER GRADE OR A X OUT OF 10 SCORE?

Two reasons. One, not all of these are ‘reviews’ per se, instead more of just a sort of rambling about a movie in general. And two, a film’s merit should be pretty obvious from the comments. If I spend 10 paragraphs explaining what a colossal waste of time it is to watch Dead & Breakfast, is it really necessary to give it a D- or a 2/10? Also, I would score both Halloween and Silent Night Deadly Night an A+ or 10/10, but for entirely different reasons. But someone might not realize that and assume I think they are equals. We can’t have that.

7. HEY I NEVER SAW THIS MOVIE, YOU JUST SPOILED THE ENDING!

Guess you should have read the intro first. Once again, these aren’t reviews, nor are they summaries of the films. The idea is to make an internet equivalent of the conversation that occurs directly after watching the movie, as you would do with your real life friends. In other words: You should watch the film before reading the post. However, for newer films (i.e. ones that are in theaters), I will try to avoid spoilers or at least warn about them.

8. WHY ARE SOME MOVIES' GENRE LISTED AS 'CRAP'?

Crap is reserved for a movie that has no redeeming value. Theyre not 'so bad it's good', theyre just... well, crap. And you won't gain anything from watching it. Some movies are bad, such as The Roost, but not crap, because there is some stuff in there that's definitely worth your time.

9. WHY DO YOU HATE HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION SO MUCH?

Have you SEEN it?? Christ.

PLEASE, GO ON...

Genre Glossary

Some movies are hard to classify, and some might be puzzled why I consider a movie to be possession when they consider it a ghost movie, or whatever. So here's a glossary of how I determine a movie's genre. It's probably inconsistent with older entries, but I am working on cleaning up (and possibly condensing) the genre tags.

GLOSSARY OF GENRES:

Alien - A movie dealing with alien life forms. They have to be classified as being from another planet, otherwise it's just a monster movie (though it can be both). Example: THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD

Anthology - This is pretty straightforward - a movie featuring a bunch of stories that are too thin to make their own feature length film. Example: NIGHTMARES

Asian - A movie from Japan, China, Thailand, Korea, etc. This will likely feature lots of little ghostly children making noises. Example: RINNE

Beast - A movie where the primary antagonist is an animal such as dog, lion, etc. Example: PREY

Breakdown - One of my favorite sub-genres, this is any movie that more or less begins when our heroes' car breaks down somewhere. Example: CALVAIRE

Classic - Honorary given to any film from the golden age of cinema (up to the 50s). Example: BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN

Comedic - This is given to any movie that tries to be funny while also being scary. Unless the film happens to be directed by Edgar Wright, this is likely a failed attempt. Example: TRIPPER

Comic Book - Rarely used, but any movie based on a comic book. Example: GHOST RIDER

Crap - The most widely misunderstood subgenre. Crap is reserved for those films that carry zero reasons anyone should go out of their way to watch them. Not necessarily the WORST films, per se; Halloween Resurrection is one of the worst films I have ever seen, but I would always encourage folks to see it because the first 15 minutes are actually pretty good. However, other films are technically better, but are so pointless and useless that they have no redeeming value. Example: GACY

Exploitation - A movie that's usually made for no money, and always glorifies sex and violence (often simultaneously), and probably starring Cameron Mitchell. Example: THE DEMON

Ghost - Movies about ghosts that utilize traditional scare tactics and focus on key characters, while never (or at least, not usually) taking physical form via another character (that would be possession). Example: PULSE

Giallo - A typically Italian film with stylish murders. Similar to a slasher, but classier. Example: DEEP RED

Haunted House - A movie where the ghosts are confined to a house or its immediate area (instead of haunting characters wherever they go). Example: ABANDONED

Holiday - Sub-genre, usually a slasher film, where the murders revolve around a certain holiday.
Example: APRIL FOOL'S DAY

Independent - This is given to films that are truly independent in that they were created primarily through the hard work and personal finance of one or two key individuals (i.e. the director). Example: GOD OF VAMPIRES

Italian - Duh. Example: OPERA

Killer Kid - A movie where the primary antagonist is someone who is not old enough to drive. Example: DEVIL TIMES FIVE

Mad Scientist - A movie where the insane human scientist is just as much (or more) of a threat as whatever monster he creates. Example: BODY PARTS

Monster - A movie with a monster. This is often used in conjunction with another sub-genre such as Classic, Mad Scientist, and even Slasher. Example: UNEARTHED

Possession - A movie where the spirit of the villain possesses otherwise innocent human characters and uses them to carry out their violent plans. Example: CATHY'S CURSE

Psychological - Used for films that could actually happen (or in some cases did). Focus is more on character than story. Example: DEAD RINGERS

Puppet - A movie with a puppet! Example: DEAD SILENCE

Remake - A movie that is a remake of a (usually superior) film. These films are usually awful, unless they happen to star Sophia Bush. Example: THE INVASION

Serial Killer - Not to be confused with a slasher, these are serious movies that are about serial killers, often based on actual events. Example: ZODIAC

Slasher - My all time favorite genre. In Slashers, the killer is masked or at least generally unseen, the film will likely be seen from his POV at times, and concerns a group of friends being stalked and killed one at a time until only one or two are left. Example: ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE

Supernatural - Movies concerning witchcraft, the Devil, etc. Example: THE REAPING

Survival - In Survival movies, there are usually more bad guys than good (or one on one), and the film will concern the attempts of our lead to escape them (as opposed to a Slasher, where the danger is usually not readily known for most of the film), and often the environment they are in (desert, woods, etc). Example: BLOOD TRAILS

Vampire - Jesus. A movie with vampires! Example: DRACULA II: ASCENSION

Video Game - A movie either based on an actual game, or one where a video game is the primary source of the danger. These movies are always awful, unless they happen to star Sophia Bush. Example: STAY ALIVE

Weird - These are movies where I generally have no idea what is happening throughout most of the running time, but in a manner that actually elevates my enjoyment. Example: THE MANITOU

Werewolf - A movie with ham sandwiches. What the hell do you think? Example: THE WOLF MAN

Zombie - Oh for christ's sake. Example: DEAD AND BREAKFAST.

PLEASE, GO ON...

In two weeks, we finally exit the darkest most terrible timeline – Community returns to the air, in its usual 8pm on Thursday timeslot that proved to be ill-fitting. But maybe it’ll be a good omen; that other show about a group of pals did pretty well there for like 10 years. Of course, if you’re a fan of the show you don’t need to be reminded; given the 3 month period in which the question “When is Community coming back?” was asked over and over to anyone with even the flimsiest connection to the show, I highly doubt the March 15th date has escaped the ears of anyone who cares.

But what the show needs is new fans. Maybe not as hardcore as the ones who have been planning flash mobs and wearing felt evil goatees in public (aka HEROES), but, you know, folks that just like the show and tune in more often than they don’t. The “problem” with Community is that it can be hard to just jump right in and get why everyone loves it so much; it’s not an impenetrable serial drama like Lost, but the dynamic and history amongst the members of the group feed into much of the humor's success . Why, you might ask? Isn’t this a sitcom? Shouldn’t it just introduce a situation, resolve it, and forget all about it a week later? Shouldn’t the characters remain stuck in their lives pretty much forever and never ever grow from their experiences? Luckily for us, Dan Harmon and his absurdly talented group of writers doesn’t see it that way.

I’ll give you a perfect example of how this show does things differently/better. A friend of mine finally decided to see why I was constantly pimping the show and decided to watch a few on Hulu Plus. It only took him I think 3 weeks to catch up to the last aired episode, and then he joined in with the “When’s it coming back?” folks (I must say, I felt damn proud). But one night he asked what happened in real life that caused Chevy Chase’s character (Pierce) to be stuck wearing casts on his legs for a big chunk of season 2. As I explained, to his surprise, not a damn thing happened; his character suffered a very serious injury in an early episode, and because the writers give a shit about reality, he was put in a cast for a while, as any real human being would do. This doesn’t happen in other TV shows – if a character is pregnant they never show it until they’re reaching the sweeps period during which the baby is born (unless they are pregnant in real life, in which case they’re largely written out). If someone falls down a flight of stairs, they show no signs of injury the following week. Hell even a dead character is often forgotten about in an episode or two; just go back and watch Season 4 of Lost and see how quickly Claire forgets about Charlie (2 days!).

And that is why people tend to care about the show so much (maybe a bit too much in some cases; I am aware that our “WATCH COMMUNITY!” outbursts can be a bit oft-putting). The characters grow and thus become real, and their world – as outlandish it can get at times – feels genuine. The show’s supporting cast has grown to minor Springfield-ian levels of consistency; an upcoming episode will see the death of one of them, and the list of potential suspects is pretty long. As someone said on Twitter a while back: “They use the whole buffalo on that show” – nothing is there just for the hell of it, and everything tracks. The aforementioned injury to Pierce began his downward spiral that played out across the entire season, and an epilogue gag in the Halloween episode actually came back to provide another subplot concerning the paternity of Shirley’s baby. Oh, and then there’s Beetlejuice.

So it does no good to say “If you’ve never watched the show before, start on March 15th”, because it likely won’t register the same way it does with the fans. No, you need some CONTEXT. If you have the time (and the coin) to watch all 59 episodes by then (that’s only like 4 or 5 a day!), do it. But I assume you don’t, so here’s what I think can act as a pretty good primer. There will still be a few things that won’t resonate here and there, but if I’m picking the right episodes here (and you’re as intelligent a reader as I have come to expect from BAD faithful), it won’t be long before you’re going back to see the ones you missed.

Please note, these aren’t the “best” or “funniest” episodes per se, but the ones that can overall demonstrate the different strengths the show has, with an equal blend of “ensemble” and “character-centric” episodes. I could easily have doubled this list, but I figure 10 (actually 11) episodes is perfect; enough to get a grasp on it, not so many that you’re committing too much time on something that you simply might not like. If you watch these and still don’t like it, then it’s not for you, but you’re awesome for trying.

Also, none of the clips match up to any of the listed shows. Just little stand-alone slices I spent a while hunting down on Youtube for your benefit.

1. Pilot (Episode 1.1)

Any introduction to a show should start with its pilot, and Community is no exception, unfortunately. I say that because it’s probably one of the weakest episodes in the show’s entire run, but even that’s sort of a plus in a way. If you’re following this guide, you can truly appreciate how much more assured both the writers and the actors became with these characters, many of whom barely resemble the folks they’ll become by the season’s end. Troy (Donald Glover) in particular started off as a typical dumb jock, and also had zero affection for Abed, who is now his hetero life mate. Pierce sort of has this Robert Evans thing going on, Britta (Gillian Jacobs) is just “the cool blond girl”, etc. Almost all pilots feel a bit awkward in retrospect, but Community is the rare one that grew into something great, instead of just a more comfortable version of its debut.



2. Introduction To Statistics (Episode 1.7)

This was the first Halloween episode, and the one that made me realize how much I was going to love this show. From Pierce’s costume to Abed’s first appearance as Batman (with Danny Pudi offering a wonderfully absurd Christian Bale impression to go along with it), it’s one of the first season’s funniest half hours. By now everyone had settled into a groove, and the show had started getting away from Jeff and Britta “will they/wont they” nonsense (though it’s still present) and began using the group in equal doses – everyone has their own little plot here. And it all comes down to Batman saving the day, which is how every TV show should end. It also features the first great showcase of Gillian Jacobs’ go-for-broke attitude when it comes to portraying Britta, spending the entire episode in a ridiculous costume (it wouldn’t be the last time either). If you don’t start falling in love with the show after this episode (if not during), you should probably just quit now.




3. Interpretive Dance (Episode 1.14)

As I alluded to earlier, the Troy and Britta characters from the pilot bear little resemblance to how they turned out, which makes this a must-see episode for anyone who want to see their “true” forms. It doesn’t get a lot of use out of some of the other group members, but the show has always done a fine job of balancing “everyone together doing a thing” episodes with ones that give the show’s very talented cast a showcase while using the others as backup. Some sitcoms constantly shot themselves in the foot by trying to give everyone equal screen time every week – they don’t seem to have that mentality here, which is key to the show’s success. Also, this one contains an excess of breakaway clothing.



4. Modern Warfare (Episode 1.23)

Honestly I think “Contemporary American Poultry” is a better “movie parody” episode, but since you can’t talk about Community without paintball coming up (and again, this isn’t a “best episodes ever” list), then I’d be crucified for choosing Goodfellas over Die Hard (and others). Directed by Justin Lin (yes, the Fast Five director, who directed two other episodes in this first season, including "Interpretive Dance"), this is one of the most ambitious half hours on a sitcom I’ve ever seen, featuring lengthy (and exciting!) action sequences and the willful destruction of the show’s still needed sets. The plot concerns everyone taking paintball a little too seriously when the prize is discovered to be the chance to enroll for next semester before everyone else, which causes some inner conflict among the group as they attempt to band together against the rest of the school. Like all the show’s best episodes, it strengthens the bonds between these people who probably wouldn’t associate with one another given their different ages and backgrounds (and, if you remember from the pilot, began hanging out under false pretenses to boot). It also wraps up a season long subplot in a very satisfying, surprising way.





5. The Psychology Of Letting Go (Episode 2.3)

I put this one in because most of Season 2 is about turning Pierce into a villain, to the point where fans were starting to hope he’d just be killed off so they wouldn’t have to endure his hateful attitude while constantly questioning why the group put up with him. Well, this one plants the seeds for that behavior, as he deals with the death of his mother while being confronted (mostly by Jeff) about his strange religion, making him feel more like an outsider than usual. It’s actually quite poignant at times, which isn’t what you might expect from an episode that also features recurring fan favorite Ian Duncan (John Oliver) egging on our two female leads as they mud (well, oil) wrestle in the middle of the school’s quad. Oh, and keep an eye on the background as you remember that for every life taken away, one will take its place (especially on TV). This show can’t even let the background action go to waste!



6. Cooperative Calligraphy (Episode 2.8)

A “bottle” episode is usually a budget driven tale designed to keep the characters confined to one location for the entire time, allowing them to shoot it more quickly and make up for extra costs elsewhere. For most shows this could be a huge handicap (like those Star Treks where they never left the bridge), but for Community it resulted in one of its all-time funniest half hours, as the group argues over Annie’s missing pen, which may or may not have been taken by a ghost (Jeff explains why this is plausible). It features some of my favorite exchanges in the entire show’s run (Jeff’s response to Britta’s solution of giving “her” pen to Annie, Shirley’s confusing threat to Britta, Jeff’s reaction to the contents of Troy’s bag, and of course, everything involving Abed’s notebook), and at one point everyone ends up in their underwear. Win-win.



7. Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas (Episode 2.11)

The entire episode is in stop motion animation, it has the best Lost joke in the history of ever, and it made me cry. But besides that, if you still aren’t convinced that this show can literally do ANYTHING and not only make it funny, but make it work in the context of these character’s fully fleshed out lives instead of just being a throwaway gimmick that is never mentioned again, then you’re just a goon. Go watch Two and A Half Men or something. I’ll be over here, singing one of the little Rankin/Bass-esque numbers that pepper the show. “Britta-Bot… programmed badly…”



8. A Fistful of Paintballs/For A Few Paintballs More (Episodes 2.23/2.24)

Woo! I can cheat! This was originally planned to air as an hour long season finale, but NBC decided to split it up. On DVD or whatever though, there is no reason not to sit and watch them back to back, as the school once again is nearly destroyed thanks to an insane paintball game with a very valuable prize (100,000 dollars). It’s not as stunt-heavy or movie reference laden as “Modern Warfare”, but it has better character work (not to mention a fun turn by Josh “Sawyer” Holloway). Amidst the paintball madness, Pierce’s antagonism finally reaches a boiling point, as the others have secretly met to vote on whether or not to kick him out of the group. Over the last year or so, there have been more than a few hints that Pierce’s behavior might not be entirely separate from the man that plays him, so if you’re like me and consider Chevy to be a big draw on the show (it’s why I was interested in the first place), this one not only (sort of) explains his behavior over the season, but finally makes it easier to defend him. It also starts a theme of the 3rd season, which is that Greendale is a special place to those who attend it, something that (given the show’s occasional meta-touches) really resonated with the fans who rallied around it when NBC was seemingly trying to take it away.



9. Competitive Ecology (Episode 3.3)

Many hated this episode, but I think it’s important to know that these folks are flawed individuals and not always easy to like. When a new student (Todd) is forced to pair up with one of them for a biology project, it brings out the worst in everyone as they fight over who should be stuck with the poor sap (who is a perfectly nice guy, and he even brings a turtle to the table!), breaking the guy’s mind in the process. Sort of like the classic "Frank Grimes" episode of The Simpsons, it dares to essentially paint our heroes as assholes, and yet somehow make it look like the new guy is wrong (except, unlike Grimes, they don’t kill Todd – he’ll be back later this season in fact). It probably didn’t help the show’s ratings much, but not since Seinfeld have I seen a sitcom episode so willing to depict the entire main cast as, well, dicks.



10. Foosball And Nocturnal Vigilantism (Episode 3.9)

Last chance. For all the craziness and daring ideas (it’s nestled between an episode-long riff on Hearts Of Darkness and a musical episode, in fact), Community IS capable of delivering well-written, funny, and yet still “normal” episodes. It has a typical sitcom approach of an A and B story, featuring traditional subplots: a standard “Friend breaks the other friend’s priceless heirloom and tries to cover it up” story, and a “two characters who don’t team up that often discover a bond they never knew they had” tale between Jeff and Shirley. The other plot is about a broken Dark Knight DVD, which allows Abed to break out his Batman disguise again, while Alison Brie makes every nerd in the audience fall in love with her just a little bit more as she tries to see if she can pull off a Christian Bale impression. While it still dips into kooky territory (an important foosball match is depicted via a Dragonball Z-esque anime sequence), it’s actually one of the few episodes this late in the show’s run where I can honestly see someone going in fresh and getting a good idea of why people love the show so much.

And here’s the best part – it’s free! Thanks to that goddamn hiatus, it’s still available on regular Hulu for the good ol’ price of zero, which is why I’ve embedded it at the end of this article. You can also catch the classic Glee parody (“Regional Holiday Music”) and “Studies In Modern Movement”, featuring some of the group’s best bonding moments ever and a terrific rendition of “Kiss From A Rose” as a bonus. As for the rest, they’re available on Hulu Plus, iTunes and Amazon (2.99 an episode), or DVD (usually around 20-25 per season), and worth every penny in my opinion.

Hell, I’ll even put my money where my mouth is – I will buy two (2) episodes of the winner’s choosing (via iTunes). Send an email to BADCommunityContest (that is a Google email) with your name and episode choices, and I’ll pick one at random on March 4th, which is my birthday! Fitting of Community itself, I do things a little differently while you reap the awards.

Because here’s the thing: I love TV, but find most of it to be lousy, especially in the realm of sitcoms. The real world has enough drama and I devote half my waking life to horror movies – I need to laugh, dammit. Even the weakest episodes of the show pack in more laughs than I’ve ever gotten out of Big Bang Theory or 2 Broke Girls, and when it’s firing on all cylinders I will even argue that the show is funnier than The Office at its peak (no contest now), maybe even Arrested Development. But even if we ignore the laughs, I want shows like this to succeed so that others can come along that are just as unconventional and committed to storytelling. Sure, it’s amusing to see Dwight Schrute run out of a hospital an hour after his surgery to secure a better job, but it makes absolutely no sense in any context, and is so far removed from human behavior that the “documentary” approach of the show is no longer even worth noting (an episode later, the crew apparently stood around filming Ryan and Erin as they hid from a kitchen staff- so the kitchen staff didn’t notice a guy standing there pointing his camera at the underside of a counter?). Harmon and the writers never sacrifice character and story logic for a laugh; as I mentioned earlier, even stop motion episodes and a full blown zombie outbreak (ok, “zombie” in quotes) took place in the show’s canon, and even further developed the characters! That’s the sort of thing I want to be commonplace on television. And if it can’t be, then I at least want the comfort of knowing that Community is still going to be there.

PLEASE, GO ON...

Spider-Man 3 Review

(originally posted on April 26, 2007)

In addition to my daily horror movie, I found the time to go see Spider-Man 3, which is pretty much the polar opposite of Hills Have Eyes Part II in just about every way possible. Now, you might recall I said the script for Hills was pretty decent. Put two and two together. I’ll be at the next paragraph, waiting.

Yes, apparently in an effort to make sure another filmmaker doesn’t do anything he thought of, Raimi (this is his last film in the series) decided to just throw in just about every idea possible, which done properly would probably take 2 films, possibly even 3, and cram it into a 2:20 film. Whether plot-lines are rushed or just forgotten, the film goes off in so many directions, one might think it was their artsy attempt to create an actual spider-web out of the storyline.

Let’s count em, shall we? Peter and MJ's relationship troubles. Harry losing his memory and forgetting he hates Peter. Harry (with memory intact) being Green Goblin II. Sandman trying to save his daughter. Sandman being the original killer of Uncle Ben. Eddie Brock vs. Peter at the Bugle. The black suit taking over Peter. The black suit forming Venom. The Stacy's. I’m surprised Sony didn’t just throw Ghost Rider in there for good measure. Christ, even Stan Lee, Bruce Campbell, and the weird Russian people who live next to Peter get more screen-time this time around, as if the film wasn’t jampacked enough.

It's not a bad film, not at all. Film IS a visual medium, and an unfocused story isn't enough to bring down a film as technically brilliant as this. The Sandman effects in particular are flawless, Raimi is still one of the most gifted visual directors of all time, and there is no particular scene or performance (even Dunst is better than usual, in that I didn't want to slap her every time she appeared onscreen) that is bad. But by trying to do so much, the film ends up feeling incomplete, sort of like the middle part of a trilogy rather than an end. Nothing is given enough time to develop correctly, and as a result, Sandman’s entire plotline (saving his daughter) is left unresolved, plus the Stacy's add absolutely nothing to the story line. Cutting half of those subplots (the black suit/Venom/Brock, the Stacy's, and Sandman being the killer) and focusing on the others (Sandman and Harry, plus Peter and MJ's troubles) would have possibly resulted in the best film of the series, due to the improved acting, effects, etc. Then, Venom and Brock, and possibly the Stacy's could have provided the backbone for a great “back to basics” Spider-Man 4 (the Sandman killing Uncle Ben storyline is just stupid and shouldn’t even be included in a parody of the film).

(Here - let me remind you that I have no sort of reservation about spoiling the end of a film.)

And that brings us to what may bring about the biggest outcry of the film – Venom dies. Quickly. And definitively. He is born, kidnaps MJ offscreen, has a brief Marvel vs Capcom style 2 on 2 fight (Venom and Sandman vs Spidey and HarryGoblin), and then gets blown up. Total actual Venom screen-time – maybe 5 minutes, with maybe another 5 of the decidedly unthreatening Topher Grace “unmasked” with the suit on. So I wouldn’t expect him to show up in the next film (though Doc Connors has a small piece of the symbiote, which will likely become Carnage).

Also... oh who cares. Look, I could have just written “Spider-Man spends the whole movie playing Halo” and it would make 200 million dollars next weekend, so what the hell does it matter what I think? Just keep in mind: it wasn’t secrecy that they have been stingy with Venom action on the trailers – there just isn’t any to show.

(My longer, less profane review will be up next week on www.freezedriedmovies.com)

PLEASE, GO ON...

New Horror Game!

Who's got a Nintendo DS? While everyone else is playing Resident Evil 5 (but not me, I never finished 4), you can check out Lux Pain on March 24th. It's a game about some evil worms that are causing folks to turn suicidal, and a dude who can stop it with his magic yellow eye. Needless to say it's based out of Japan. Check out the trailer below! Sounds like something that fans of the Persona series (on PS1 and 2) would enjoy...

PLEASE, GO ON...

RIP Bob Clark

(Regular post will be up later, just wanted to pay my respects with a quick note)

Director Bob Clark (Deathdream, original Black Christmas, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, and off horror - Christmas Story) was killed this morning by some fucking idiot drunk driver. Interviewing Bob was the first thing I was given to do at Bloody-disgusting so I am extra sad. Even more sad was that with the remake of BC, the original was finally earning the respect and attention that has eluded it by all but hardcore slasher fans over the years. I've seen it recently, so I can't watch it for this, but I urge everyone to check it out if they have not yet, as well as his other horror films. The only disappointment you'll feel is knowing that he won't ever make another classic because some fucking douchebag decided to drive drunk.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-crash5apr05,0,6240856.story?coll=la-home-headlines

PLEASE, GO ON...

HMAD Screening: Phantasm II

The ball AND Horror Movie A Day screenings are back!!! This Saturday, February 5th, I will be presenting Phantasm II at my beloved New Beverly Cinema in glorious 35mm! I am trying to lock down a guest or two (no luck yet), but guests or not, this is the biggest budgeted Phantasm film and thus the one that benefits most from a big screen viewing! Come on down! Tell your friends! Buy advance tickets HERE!!!

BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

PLEASE, GO ON...

RIP - HMAD

Well, it's been a little over 2 years, but it's time to wrap it up. What with the economy and Lionsgate dropping horror distribution, it's getting harder and harder to find/afford a new movie for every day. I hope all of you will follow me over to my new site, www.BowlOfCerealADay.com, in which I eat/discuss a different bowl of cereal every day, including the toy surprise inside when applicable. I hope you all enjoy!

Horror Movie A Day
February 7, 2007 - April 1st, 2009

PLEASE, GO ON...

Coming Clean...

Well, the jig is up. I accidentally said something on Twitter that ‘outed’ me, and now I have to come clean. And by *I*, I mean *us*. Yes, Horror Movie A Day is actually the brainchild of five people, who take turns watching/reviewing the films. Ironically, Twitter was originally started to try to keep up the ruse that it was one guy watching the movies every day, by posting “proof” (a couple of tweets during each film when possible) that it was really occurring. But the other day, two of us were using the account simultaneously – notice how many times Brian supposedly tweeted in one day? At one point I was supposedly at work, playing Xbox, and watching the movie (The Resident)! Someone noticed the “plot hole”, so now we have to fess up.

At first, it really was just Brian watching and reviewing, but after six or seven months, he started to crack. At the time he chalked it up to depression from Rob Zombie's Halloween remake, which everyone bought easily, but it was really due to the stress of watching so many movies that weren’t even AS GOOD as the Halloween update. So he hired a few local bloggers to help out, and eventually relied on them more and more. As of this writing, Brian actually only watches 3 (at most) of the films each week, with the others tackling the rest.

And now that it’s out in the open, Brian feels bad that they’ve been doing all this work for so long without recognition and no perks (Brian won’t even comp them free tickets into his HMAD screenings at the Bev), so this post is both an apology and an introduction to the other folks who have been helping keep HMAD running smoothly over the years.

(Though really – you guys really thought Brian was watching movies while at Comic Con or visiting his family in Boston? Come on! He’s not psychotic!)

Frank O’Hare, 28, Los Angeles
Frank was the first writer Brian hired, initially with the idea of trading off, with Frank taking even numbered days and Brian taking the odd. Amongst many others, Frank is responsible for the Prom Night review, which caused a problem when Brian had to record a commentary and pretend to like the film. Luckily, no one ever listened to it.

Alexis Rydell, 21, Burbank
Alexis was hired in 2008, after Brian was inexplicably invited to a press screening of the Sex And The City movie. Alexis was sent in his place and wrote the review, which Brian found “quite brilliant”, and thus kept her on full-time. She has also covered all of the Shriekfest entries since, because Brian refuses to watch movies in a place that doesn’t serve hot pretzels.

“Ivan” (details unknown)
No one else on staff has actually met the mysterious Ivan, who we assume is from somewhere along the East coast. He usually covers the newer theatrical releases, seeing them at midnight on opening day (something Brian is unable to do because he’d fall asleep and thus not be able to write the review) and sending along his thoughts so HMAD can have a review up before the other sites.

Tony Smith, 31, Torrance
Tony from Torrance has been a life-saver in the past year or so, since getting hired after Brian began hosting screenings, guesting on podcasts, appearing on cable specials as a “Film Historian” (HAH!), and numerous other activities, while keeping his day job and retaining a decent Xbox gamerscore. Brian has referred to him as his true alter ego, and the two have trouble telling which one of them wrote certain reviews. The only film they disagree on was The Shining – BC prefers the TV remake whereas Tony prefers the original Kubrick adaptation.

So now you know the truth. We here at HMAD hope you don’t think less of the site because of this, and we all look forward to providing daily horror reviews for many years to come. However, either way, we’d like to ask you guys – should everyone start “signing” their reviews, so you know who is informing you about the movie? Or should we just keep chalking everything up to BC? If so, we’ll just take this post down later today (today being April 1st) and pretend it never happened.

Thanks in advance,
The HMAD Team

PLEASE, GO ON...

HMAD Book Signing!

When I started getting the e-book ready to publish and folks kept asking about a physical version, one thing kept coming up (and was already on my mind): having printed copies so that I could do a signing at Dark Delicacies. For LA horror folk, it's basically how your work becomes "official" in the genre - like a band hearing its song on the radio or an athlete playing in a televised game. I've been there countless times over the years for friends and heroes (sometimes they qualify as both) to get my book/DVD/CD signed, and so I was beyond honored/excited when Del asked if I could do a signing for the HMAD book there. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

It's gonna be on Saturday, April 30th at 2pm. If you're local, you probably know where it is, but if not: 3512 W Magnolia Blvd, Burbank, CA 91505. Street parking is easy enough to find and there's also tons of great food in the area if you want to get lunch before (or an early dinner after). For those who AREN'T local, fear not! You can order a book from Del's site and it'll come to you autographed after the signing. This should take care of that autograph issue I mentioned in yesterday's post! Obviously that means you'll have to wait a bit longer to get your book, but honestly I'm so slow with going to the post office even though the signing is a month away you'll probably still get it from Del faster than you would from me. And besides, buying from Del instead of Amazon or whatever is morally better for you - support indie/small business whenever you can! Please note - if you're local you can (should?) still order it now and guarantee a copy to pick up on the day of the signing (or soon thereafter if you're local but can't actually make it there that day). I'll hopefully have enough, but again - they're pretty big/heavy books so I don't have the room for boxes of extras in my apartment (nor does Del in his store), so we'll be using the pre-orders as a gauge to decide how many to order for the day. No additional cost to pre-order, so it's a no-brainer for those interested in me defacing their book with my scribbles!

Bonus: Todd Farmer will also be signing, so if you have Jason X or MBV3D stuff feel free to sneak it in and have him sign that as well. Also at the signing will be Jonathan Maberry, who wrote a pretty great zombie novel called Patient Zero and also penned the novelization for The Wolfman remake, which was based on pre-reshoot/re-edit drafts of the script and was thus superior to the film itself. He'll be signing his new book Kill Switch, which I believe is a Patient Zero sequel, so when I'm not signing my book I'll be buying his! Hope to see you there!

Tweet

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Mist (2nd viewing)

Unlike apparently 99.99999999999% of the world (grr), I went to see The Mist again last night. It holds up quite good on a 2nd viewing. If you haven't checked it out yet, I really don't know why... it truly is the year's best horror movie. Sure it's not perfect (some of the CG is terrible, though the movie only cost like 15 million bucks and has a huge cast), but it's flawless in the areas that matter.

Anyway, I just wanted to add a couple notes to my original review, but I'm too lazy to edit.

• There IS music in the film prior to the 3rd act. Though only in the two "action" scenes and it's far from hummable "theme" music. I stand by my claim that it's some of the least intrusive music ever, especially in a horror movie.
• I had forgotten about the other "Dark Tower" connection - the later books deal with doors opening between worlds, and I think there's even a line that directly mentions these particular monsters breaking through, but I can't remember the specifics. God, Darabont NEEDS to make the DT TV show (as much as I would love to walk into a movie theater and see a "Dark Tower" film, I know I'd be crushed by the obvious trimming to the narrative to fit a 2 hr film. An HBO series, with each season devoted to a book, would be fucking perfection.
• Marcia Gay Harden is fucking HILARIOUS in this movie. "Bitch if I want a friend like you I'll just squat and shit one out." HAHAHAHAHA. So using that on someone. She also claims that going to the moon is one of mankind's sins. See you in hell, Neil Armstrong!!! Also, still hot.
• Tom Jane is noticeably drunk in a few scenes.
• On the ending, I still took the same meaning away, but I think the reason that many folks are turned off by it is because they are not seeing it the same way. If my theory is right, I think Darabont needed to make it a little clearer (perhaps showing some of the supermarket people in the truck). If I'm wrong, well, I dunno, it's still a great movie.

Thank you that is all.

PLEASE, GO ON...

Horror Movie A Day Commentaries!

At long last, I have finally recorded/edited/uploaded a commentary track for you all to enjoy. However, enjoy may not be the right word, as it's for the Prom Night remake (Unrated version!). I do my best not to talk over anyone, so if you can't imagine yourself sitting through it twice, you should be OK to watch it for the first time with my commentary running. Not like the dialogue is worth hearing anyway.

To get started, first download the file HERE and put it on your ipod or whatever you would like to use (it's just an mp3 file - should work on anything). Then cue up the Prom Night Unrated DVD or Blu-Ray*. Hit "play movie", and you'll get the FBI warnings and such. After the "this commentary does not reflect the views of Sony" text screen goes away, begin my commentary track. If you do it right, the movie should be about 1 second further than the mp3 (so if the movie is at 1:00, my track should be at 0:59).

If you notice that I am "responding" to things later than they occur, pause the movie for a second (or however long is necessary). If I am commenting (or snickering) on things that haven't happened yet, pause ME for a second or two. A few times during the movie I repeat dialogue, they should be more or less in sync.

I hope you guys enjoy it - it was actually a lot of work editing it and stuff (I sound like a goddamn throat cancer victim when I breathe, so I had to take all that out lest you think I was dying), but I'm happy to do more if folks like it. And I promise to do GOOD movies too. Though come on, it's more fun to make fun of a movie, right?

All I ask is that if you download the track and listen, can you PLEASE just make a comment so I can get an idea of how many people are into this? You don't even have to write a full message, just an X to "sign" the list, so to speak. Gracias!

Enjoy!

*It has to be the DVD, not a downloaded .avi or whatever (I am not sure about instant viewing from Netflix type deals though). AVI files run at a different speed and thus sync will constantly "drift". And I absolutely refuse to make a version that will aid downloaders.

PLEASE, GO ON...

HMAD Commentary - SHOCKER!

Is tomorrow night's screening not enough awesomeness for you? Or are you simply not in the Los Angeles area and thus cannot join the festivities? Well, I got you covered!!! A spur of the moment new Horror Movie A Day Commentary for SHOCKER!! Read on for details!

Because I wanted to get this one up before the screening (just made it!), I didn't have time to wait for the most ideal settings. By that I mean cooler weather. So you can hear my AC blowing the whole time. But the good news is I bought a new mic so despite the AC sound, my voice is clearer than ever! Once again, if anyone is good at audio cleanup, please feel free to 'fix' it and/or tell me how to do so. Again with time being an issue I didn't want to spend too much time futzing with it.

As always, download the mp3 HERE and load it up on whatever audio player you desire. You should start the film at the same time as the commentary, so that the timecodes are identical. If you notice I seem to be reacting too late to things, the movie should be paused. If I am reacting to something before it occurs on screen, then the commentary should be paused. Luckily, Shocker has several wonderful songs for me to sing along with and help guide you. Let me know if there are any problems!

And don't forget, if you're in LA - OCTOBER 3rd, 11:59 PM - NEW BEVERLY CINEMA! Join Wes Craven, Ted Raimi, Richard Brooks, Vincent Guastaferro, and ME! as we bring you what may be the first revival screening of Shocker ever, in time for its 20th anniversary!!!

PLEASE, GO ON...

Any Readers Good w/Sound?

In a bit I will be posting the newest commentary track, and like the others, it would have gone up two hours earlier if I knew what the hell I was doing when it comes to filtering it so it sounds good. Granted it sounds better now than the original recording, but a. I'm sure it can be even better and b. it takes a lot of time-consuming trial and error to get it that way, and of course I always forget what I did when it comes time for another. So if any readers are or know someone who is a whiz with that sort of thing, please contact me (frightreviews at the gmail) if you are willing to take a small sample of one of my recordings, make it sound good, and then tell me what I can do to achieve a similar result for the whole piece. I use Cool Edit Pro (version 2.1 I believe) but I also have Adobe Audition if that's better/easier (I've never used it). Thanks in advance!!

PLEASE, GO ON...

Commentary Video!

You can now enjoy the newest commentary for Memorial Valley Massacre in the comfort of your own Horror Movie A Day page. Enjoy, and see THIS post for other downloading options.

PLEASE, GO ON...

UPDATED: New Commentary!

I'm trying to make up for the delays in getting both of my commentary series off the ground by giving you TWO this week! First up, here is the "Commentary Only" MP3 track for Memorial Valley Massacre, which is the 2nd track in Simon Barrett and I's "Horror People, Dear Reader" series. This is for the folks who own the film on DVD and wish to sync it themselves. The runtimes should be identical (so if the movie is at 34 minutes and 23 seconds, the commentary should also be at 34 minutes and 23 seconds). However, if you are like most people and do not own this movie on DVD, then we got you covered. Head on over HERE to watch a streaming quicktime or download the .mp4, with our comments pre-synced to the movie.

There will also be the 2nd of my solo tracks that are specific to Horror Movie A Day and are for more popular films. And believe me, this is a very popular film :). I don't want to spoil the surprise for those who don't know (or can't guess), but I can guarantee it will be more popular than Prom Night. Look for that this Thursday (or sooner!).

PLEASE, GO ON...

Cathy's Curse Now Streaming!

If you head on over the Podcast page on Bloody-Disgusting, you can now watch the Cathy's Curse commentary right there on the site (our commentary series is called "Horror People, Dear Reader" - the stream will play on the logo once it's all loaded). Links to for RSS and iTunes are also available there. Again, this is for the synced version, if you have Cathy on DVD and only want our audio to sync yourself, you need this one: JUST THE COMMENTARY (MP3). Enjoy!

PLEASE, GO ON...

Cathy's Curse Commentary Now Live!

Here it is!!! A pre-synced (that's movie and commentary) Quicktime of the Cathy's Curse Commentary!!! The file size is 200 mb and worth every byte. But for those wonderful souls who already own the film and would rather listen to my rambling on your home theater, you can download an mp3 of JUST THE COMMENTARY TRACK right now! Simply begin the track at the same time as Cathy. Read further for technical hints.

Best way to tell if you're in sync is when the father says "Your mother's a bitch!" about 45 seconds into the film - if you hear our snickering immediately after, you're good. If our reaction seems delayed, then pause the movie for the appropriate amount of time. If we laugh before he finishes the line, then pause the commentary for the appropriate amount of time. If you look at the "time elapsed" times for both the film and the audio, they should be just about the same (less than a second's difference). The commentary track runs another minute or so longer than the movie because Simon and I kept talking. Of course, if you wait, the work will already be done; besides, how many of you already have a copy of the movie anyway?

PLEASE, GO ON...

New Commentary: Jason Takes Manhattan!

I think I'm getting a bit better at these... it's only been two months since the last one, and I already have another one recorded (just need to edit it). My goal of 1-2 a month might just be achieved after all.

Anyway, as I lost out on recording a "real" commentary on the actual disc for Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, due to Paramount changing their minds about having "fan" commentaries on the discs (only Joe Lynch and Adam Green's track for Final Chapter survived), I decided to record my own. Fuck you, Paramount!

As always, it's a pretty simple process. First download the mp3 track here, and then load it on your iPod or whatever, or simply play it through your computer through any mp3 playback application. At the same time, load up your DVD of Jason Takes Manhattan. Start them both at the same time so that the timecodes on both the mp3 and the film are more or less in sync (within a second anyway), and adjust the volume accordingly so that you can hear me and the film at a comfortable level.

Now, at some point (especially if you're on a computer), the tracks may go out of sync, or "drift". You should be able to tell by the timecode which one is running fast, but if for any reason the timecodes match and you're still out of sync, simply pause the film or the commentary for a second or two. If you notice my reaction to a line or event is delayed, then you need to pause the film. If i seem to be reacting before something occurs, then pause me. Every now and then I say a line of dialogue along with the characters (such as Wayne: "She's sexy!"), that should help.

If there any problems, suggestions... PLEASE post them or email me. I have gotten very little feedback on the others I have done, and it's a lot of work to do if no one's bothering to listen to them. According to the Mediafire info, well over a hundred people downloaded the Halloween track, but I only got 6 comments on it, and only 2 of those were actual feedback (thanks Zed!!!). I know some folks don't want to deal with commenting, and that's fine, but if you want me to keep doing them, I'm gonna need more confirmation that they are being listened to and not just downloaded to your desktop and gathering virtual dust. Thanks guys!!! And look for the next one within the next week or so!

PLEASE, GO ON...

Commentaries are back.... ish.

OK so in the past year I have managed to record one commentary track, for a movie no one wanted to watch anyway (Prom Night remake). I still plan on doing solo tracks for big(gish) movies, but in the meantime, I will be recording some with Mr. Disgusting and/or Simon Barrett (screenwriter of Dead Birds). We did the first last night, for... you guessed it, CATHY'S CURSE. The plan is to do public domain movies for a while, as we can sync our track up to the movie and release it that way, saving you the hassle of trying to sync it with your iPod or whatever.

Hopefully Cathy will be up in the next week (I've already uploaded the audio to my PC to edit/filter as necessary) on both HMAD and Bloody-Disgusting; in the meantime, check out the awesome site Cultrararevideos for available titles to suggest! Make sure they are on that site (or similar legit public domain movie sites), if the movie is not public domain we can't sync it up without getting in trouble. If the pre-synced version proves to be popular enough, we will consider doing big movies that you can sync yourself, knowing now how much you enjoy our rambling.

PLEASE, GO ON...

New HMAD Commentary!

With all the hubbub surrounding our new "Video Commentary" series Horror People, Dear Reader over at Bloody Disgusting, I hope you didn't think I forgot about the "solo" HMAD-specific tracks, as I apparently have (being that it's been months since the last one). So to make it up to you, I present you with a commentary for a film I know you all love/hate: ROB ZOMBIE'S HALLOWEEN! Read on for details!

Yes, despite specifically saying that I was done with the movie, I knew folks would request it for as long as I was doing commentaries, so I wanted to get it out of the way before H2 comes along (which, as I point out in the track, I am actually looking forward to). Don't say I never gave you nothing!

As Halloween is most decidedly NOT in the public domain, this means I can't give you the video with my comments already synced up. You gotta do that yourself. So as with Prom Night, first download the MP3 track here (it's about 90 mb). Then load it up on your ipod or whatever else you may use to listen to MP3s. Then load up your Halloween DVD or Blu-Ray. NOTE - This track refers to the UNRATED DIRECTOR'S CUT of the film, and thus will not sync properly with the theatrical (or workprint) versions. I figured the unrated cut is the one that most people own and is also the easiest to find. Press start on the DVD, and then immediately press start on my commentary (they should run pretty close to the same time, but the movie should be a few tenths of a second ahead for perfect syncage).

Now, if the movie and commentary begin to drift out of sync, you need to pause the one that's "fast" for the appropriate amount of time. So, if I begin laughing or commenting on something that hasn't happened yet, pause me. If my reaction seems unreasonably delayed, pause the movie. At times I "sing" along with the score (and also "Love Hurts"), so that should tell you if you're out of sync or not. NOTE - the mp3 is shorter than the movie because I don't talk over the whole end credits.

If you encounter any problems, PLEASE let me know. Also, if you listen to the track, even if you have nothing to say, can you just post a comment here? You can just type a single letter or number for all I care, I'm just trying to gauge how popular these things are so I can decide whether to do more. Thank you.

Enjoy!!!

PLEASE, GO ON...

Halloween II Commentary Now Live!!

I know I promised it was "coming" like a month ago on Twitter, but you know me. I'm slow. The big Nightmare On Elm Street retrospective took up a lot of free time, and I was also re-watching all of the Platinum Dunes movies for something that never panned out, though it was nice to take another look at them, since I hadn't seen any of them since their theatrical runs (except for The Hitcher, of course!).

Anyway, instead of supporting their insultingly lazy new Nightmare movie, how about you spend some time with another revival of a horror icon, one that DID have some ideas and creativity on display? I've grown to appreciate Rob Zombie's Halloween II, particularly in its director's cut form, and while it still has a lot of problems, I think it's a much better example of how Rob Zombie would do a Halloween movie, something that was often missing from his first film. And you can hear me explain why in my commentary track, which you can download HERE!

As always, simply download the mp3 and load it into any media player you like. Then cue up your Halloween II Director's Cut DVD or Blu-ray, and start them simultaneously, so that their timecodes more or less match. A few times during the movie I say a line along with the characters (usually Loomis), so that should help guide you if you happen to be out of sync. If my reactions seem to be delayed, then you need to pause the movie for a second or two. If I appear to be laughing at something that hasn't happened yet, then pause me for the appropriate time. As long as the timecodes are within a second of each other, then you should be fine.

Now, one thing I should mention - I was a bit sleepy when I recorded the track, and I sometimes talk a bit lower than normal, and mumble a bit. So you might need to turn me up a bit louder than normal, or turn the movie lower. Luckily, the funnier things I tend to say loud, so it shouldn't hamper your enjoyment.

As always, PLEASE let me know if there are any problems with any part of the process, and let me know if you enjoyed it! Or if you hated it!

PLEASE, GO ON...

Stepfather Commentary Is Here!!

If you follow my Twitter, or listen to my “Video Vault” segments on the Graveyard Show, you might be wondering where my Stepfather remake (or as I like to refer to it, Stepfauxther) commentary went. Well, it’s finally here! Rejoice!

So why the delay? Well, in order to upload the track, I first need to digitize it from my recorder, which occurs in real time, and I can’t use the computer while it goes. So finding time just for that (plus setting it up, which is a pain) is troublesome enough, but the first time, it digitized too “hot”, making my voice distorted. So I had to do it again, again when I had time to it. Then, even worse, after about 20 minutes, I apparently forgot to sit still (in addition to general fidgety-ness, I suffer from restless leg syndrome - people have refused to sit next to me at the movies), resulting in a horrible, hollow knocking sound playing over the entire thing, as my shaking legs were brushing the part of the couch that my mic stand was “attached” to. This resulted in a far more time-consuming editing process than usual, as I needed to remove as much as I can so it would still be listenable. If I had the time, I would have just re-recorded it, but that would be another four hours (2 to watch the movie, 2 to upload the audio). So instead I just hacked away at the track. You might notice I’m not as chatty as usual - that’s because a lot of smaller quips were deleted due to the knocking sound drowning them out. You’ll still hear it, but trust me, it was 10x as bad before I edited.

At any rate, it’s now HERE. As always, simply download the mp3 track and put it in any media player you wish (I have found a new one (new to me anyway) called the VLC player that I quite like, if you’re not satisfied with WMP or whatever). Then put on your Stepfather remake DVD (make sure it’s the unrated director’s cut!), and start my MP3 as soon as the FBI warnings go away and the movie actually starts. The timecode should match up (if you’re half a second off it’s OK); 1:05 on the track should play at 1:05 on the movie. If you notice me laughing or reacting at something that hasn’t happened yet, pause me. If my reaction seems delayed, pause the movie for the appropriate length of time. I forgot to say lines along with the movie until near the very end (“Who am I here?”) so I apologize for that. But as long as the timecodes are in sync than you should be good to go.

Enjoy! Any problems, suggestions, concerns, feedback... let me know! I promise to have the next track (Halloween II) available soon. And I promise to sit still when I record it.

PLEASE, GO ON...

Horror People, Dear Reader Returns!!!

Simon Barrett and I's Horror People, Dear Reader series took an unfortunate hiatus during the summer. We had done a commentary for Suburban Sasquatch, only to discover that the film was not in the public domain as we previously thought. We will try to figure something out so you guys can listen to it (as I assume none of you own a copy already). But we DID do one for another Sasquatch movie - Night Of The Demon. This one might not be public domain either, but goddammit, it's been unavailable for so long, if anyone sues us then we will just countersue him for neglecting to release this epically terrible/awesome movie properly. Needless to say, the quality isn't the best (it's ripped from a DVD of a twice duped VHS tape!), but it's the best we could find for this one. Read on for download info!

So you can download the .mp4 format video HERE, it should work perfectly on your iPod. You can also (and SHOULD!) subscribe to the podcast HERE via Itunes and get the newest episodes as soon as they are posted. And if for some reason you own a copy of this film already and just want our commentary, you can download an MP3 of that HERE. You can also watch the embedded version below, though it does have an annoying watermark. So many options!

One final note - because the film is so hard to find, we understand if you want to watch it without our rambling. To shut us off, simply shut off the right speakers on your computer (by sliding the mixer bar to the left on your volume control panel). By doing that, you'll just hear the movie. And possibly my weeping that I did all this work and you shut me off.

Enjoy!

PLEASE, GO ON...