Spider-Man 3 Review

(originally posted on April 26, 2007)

In addition to my daily horror movie, I found the time to go see Spider-Man 3, which is pretty much the polar opposite of Hills Have Eyes Part II in just about every way possible. Now, you might recall I said the script for Hills was pretty decent. Put two and two together. I’ll be at the next paragraph, waiting.

Yes, apparently in an effort to make sure another filmmaker doesn’t do anything he thought of, Raimi (this is his last film in the series) decided to just throw in just about every idea possible, which done properly would probably take 2 films, possibly even 3, and cram it into a 2:20 film. Whether plot-lines are rushed or just forgotten, the film goes off in so many directions, one might think it was their artsy attempt to create an actual spider-web out of the storyline.

Let’s count em, shall we? Peter and MJ's relationship troubles. Harry losing his memory and forgetting he hates Peter. Harry (with memory intact) being Green Goblin II. Sandman trying to save his daughter. Sandman being the original killer of Uncle Ben. Eddie Brock vs. Peter at the Bugle. The black suit taking over Peter. The black suit forming Venom. The Stacy's. I’m surprised Sony didn’t just throw Ghost Rider in there for good measure. Christ, even Stan Lee, Bruce Campbell, and the weird Russian people who live next to Peter get more screen-time this time around, as if the film wasn’t jampacked enough.

It's not a bad film, not at all. Film IS a visual medium, and an unfocused story isn't enough to bring down a film as technically brilliant as this. The Sandman effects in particular are flawless, Raimi is still one of the most gifted visual directors of all time, and there is no particular scene or performance (even Dunst is better than usual, in that I didn't want to slap her every time she appeared onscreen) that is bad. But by trying to do so much, the film ends up feeling incomplete, sort of like the middle part of a trilogy rather than an end. Nothing is given enough time to develop correctly, and as a result, Sandman’s entire plotline (saving his daughter) is left unresolved, plus the Stacy's add absolutely nothing to the story line. Cutting half of those subplots (the black suit/Venom/Brock, the Stacy's, and Sandman being the killer) and focusing on the others (Sandman and Harry, plus Peter and MJ's troubles) would have possibly resulted in the best film of the series, due to the improved acting, effects, etc. Then, Venom and Brock, and possibly the Stacy's could have provided the backbone for a great “back to basics” Spider-Man 4 (the Sandman killing Uncle Ben storyline is just stupid and shouldn’t even be included in a parody of the film).

(Here - let me remind you that I have no sort of reservation about spoiling the end of a film.)

And that brings us to what may bring about the biggest outcry of the film – Venom dies. Quickly. And definitively. He is born, kidnaps MJ offscreen, has a brief Marvel vs Capcom style 2 on 2 fight (Venom and Sandman vs Spidey and HarryGoblin), and then gets blown up. Total actual Venom screen-time – maybe 5 minutes, with maybe another 5 of the decidedly unthreatening Topher Grace “unmasked” with the suit on. So I wouldn’t expect him to show up in the next film (though Doc Connors has a small piece of the symbiote, which will likely become Carnage).

Also... oh who cares. Look, I could have just written “Spider-Man spends the whole movie playing Halo” and it would make 200 million dollars next weekend, so what the hell does it matter what I think? Just keep in mind: it wasn’t secrecy that they have been stingy with Venom action on the trailers – there just isn’t any to show.

(My longer, less profane review will be up next week on www.freezedriedmovies.com)

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New Horror Game!

Who's got a Nintendo DS? While everyone else is playing Resident Evil 5 (but not me, I never finished 4), you can check out Lux Pain on March 24th. It's a game about some evil worms that are causing folks to turn suicidal, and a dude who can stop it with his magic yellow eye. Needless to say it's based out of Japan. Check out the trailer below! Sounds like something that fans of the Persona series (on PS1 and 2) would enjoy...

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RIP Bob Clark

(Regular post will be up later, just wanted to pay my respects with a quick note)

Director Bob Clark (Deathdream, original Black Christmas, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, and off horror - Christmas Story) was killed this morning by some fucking idiot drunk driver. Interviewing Bob was the first thing I was given to do at Bloody-disgusting so I am extra sad. Even more sad was that with the remake of BC, the original was finally earning the respect and attention that has eluded it by all but hardcore slasher fans over the years. I've seen it recently, so I can't watch it for this, but I urge everyone to check it out if they have not yet, as well as his other horror films. The only disappointment you'll feel is knowing that he won't ever make another classic because some fucking douchebag decided to drive drunk.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-crash5apr05,0,6240856.story?coll=la-home-headlines

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HMAD Screening: Phantasm II

The ball AND Horror Movie A Day screenings are back!!! This Saturday, February 5th, I will be presenting Phantasm II at my beloved New Beverly Cinema in glorious 35mm! I am trying to lock down a guest or two (no luck yet), but guests or not, this is the biggest budgeted Phantasm film and thus the one that benefits most from a big screen viewing! Come on down! Tell your friends! Buy advance tickets HERE!!!

BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

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RIP - HMAD

Well, it's been a little over 2 years, but it's time to wrap it up. What with the economy and Lionsgate dropping horror distribution, it's getting harder and harder to find/afford a new movie for every day. I hope all of you will follow me over to my new site, www.BowlOfCerealADay.com, in which I eat/discuss a different bowl of cereal every day, including the toy surprise inside when applicable. I hope you all enjoy!

Horror Movie A Day
February 7, 2007 - April 1st, 2009

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Coming Clean...

Well, the jig is up. I accidentally said something on Twitter that ‘outed’ me, and now I have to come clean. And by *I*, I mean *us*. Yes, Horror Movie A Day is actually the brainchild of five people, who take turns watching/reviewing the films. Ironically, Twitter was originally started to try to keep up the ruse that it was one guy watching the movies every day, by posting “proof” (a couple of tweets during each film when possible) that it was really occurring. But the other day, two of us were using the account simultaneously – notice how many times Brian supposedly tweeted in one day? At one point I was supposedly at work, playing Xbox, and watching the movie (The Resident)! Someone noticed the “plot hole”, so now we have to fess up.

At first, it really was just Brian watching and reviewing, but after six or seven months, he started to crack. At the time he chalked it up to depression from Rob Zombie's Halloween remake, which everyone bought easily, but it was really due to the stress of watching so many movies that weren’t even AS GOOD as the Halloween update. So he hired a few local bloggers to help out, and eventually relied on them more and more. As of this writing, Brian actually only watches 3 (at most) of the films each week, with the others tackling the rest.

And now that it’s out in the open, Brian feels bad that they’ve been doing all this work for so long without recognition and no perks (Brian won’t even comp them free tickets into his HMAD screenings at the Bev), so this post is both an apology and an introduction to the other folks who have been helping keep HMAD running smoothly over the years.

(Though really – you guys really thought Brian was watching movies while at Comic Con or visiting his family in Boston? Come on! He’s not psychotic!)

Frank O’Hare, 28, Los Angeles
Frank was the first writer Brian hired, initially with the idea of trading off, with Frank taking even numbered days and Brian taking the odd. Amongst many others, Frank is responsible for the Prom Night review, which caused a problem when Brian had to record a commentary and pretend to like the film. Luckily, no one ever listened to it.

Alexis Rydell, 21, Burbank
Alexis was hired in 2008, after Brian was inexplicably invited to a press screening of the Sex And The City movie. Alexis was sent in his place and wrote the review, which Brian found “quite brilliant”, and thus kept her on full-time. She has also covered all of the Shriekfest entries since, because Brian refuses to watch movies in a place that doesn’t serve hot pretzels.

“Ivan” (details unknown)
No one else on staff has actually met the mysterious Ivan, who we assume is from somewhere along the East coast. He usually covers the newer theatrical releases, seeing them at midnight on opening day (something Brian is unable to do because he’d fall asleep and thus not be able to write the review) and sending along his thoughts so HMAD can have a review up before the other sites.

Tony Smith, 31, Torrance
Tony from Torrance has been a life-saver in the past year or so, since getting hired after Brian began hosting screenings, guesting on podcasts, appearing on cable specials as a “Film Historian” (HAH!), and numerous other activities, while keeping his day job and retaining a decent Xbox gamerscore. Brian has referred to him as his true alter ego, and the two have trouble telling which one of them wrote certain reviews. The only film they disagree on was The Shining – BC prefers the TV remake whereas Tony prefers the original Kubrick adaptation.

So now you know the truth. We here at HMAD hope you don’t think less of the site because of this, and we all look forward to providing daily horror reviews for many years to come. However, either way, we’d like to ask you guys – should everyone start “signing” their reviews, so you know who is informing you about the movie? Or should we just keep chalking everything up to BC? If so, we’ll just take this post down later today (today being April 1st) and pretend it never happened.

Thanks in advance,
The HMAD Team

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HMAD Book Signing!

When I started getting the e-book ready to publish and folks kept asking about a physical version, one thing kept coming up (and was already on my mind): having printed copies so that I could do a signing at Dark Delicacies. For LA horror folk, it's basically how your work becomes "official" in the genre - like a band hearing its song on the radio or an athlete playing in a televised game. I've been there countless times over the years for friends and heroes (sometimes they qualify as both) to get my book/DVD/CD signed, and so I was beyond honored/excited when Del asked if I could do a signing for the HMAD book there. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

It's gonna be on Saturday, April 30th at 2pm. If you're local, you probably know where it is, but if not: 3512 W Magnolia Blvd, Burbank, CA 91505. Street parking is easy enough to find and there's also tons of great food in the area if you want to get lunch before (or an early dinner after). For those who AREN'T local, fear not! You can order a book from Del's site and it'll come to you autographed after the signing. This should take care of that autograph issue I mentioned in yesterday's post! Obviously that means you'll have to wait a bit longer to get your book, but honestly I'm so slow with going to the post office even though the signing is a month away you'll probably still get it from Del faster than you would from me. And besides, buying from Del instead of Amazon or whatever is morally better for you - support indie/small business whenever you can! Please note - if you're local you can (should?) still order it now and guarantee a copy to pick up on the day of the signing (or soon thereafter if you're local but can't actually make it there that day). I'll hopefully have enough, but again - they're pretty big/heavy books so I don't have the room for boxes of extras in my apartment (nor does Del in his store), so we'll be using the pre-orders as a gauge to decide how many to order for the day. No additional cost to pre-order, so it's a no-brainer for those interested in me defacing their book with my scribbles!

Bonus: Todd Farmer will also be signing, so if you have Jason X or MBV3D stuff feel free to sneak it in and have him sign that as well. Also at the signing will be Jonathan Maberry, who wrote a pretty great zombie novel called Patient Zero and also penned the novelization for The Wolfman remake, which was based on pre-reshoot/re-edit drafts of the script and was thus superior to the film itself. He'll be signing his new book Kill Switch, which I believe is a Patient Zero sequel, so when I'm not signing my book I'll be buying his! Hope to see you there!

Tweet

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The Mist (2nd viewing)

Unlike apparently 99.99999999999% of the world (grr), I went to see The Mist again last night. It holds up quite good on a 2nd viewing. If you haven't checked it out yet, I really don't know why... it truly is the year's best horror movie. Sure it's not perfect (some of the CG is terrible, though the movie only cost like 15 million bucks and has a huge cast), but it's flawless in the areas that matter.

Anyway, I just wanted to add a couple notes to my original review, but I'm too lazy to edit.

• There IS music in the film prior to the 3rd act. Though only in the two "action" scenes and it's far from hummable "theme" music. I stand by my claim that it's some of the least intrusive music ever, especially in a horror movie.
• I had forgotten about the other "Dark Tower" connection - the later books deal with doors opening between worlds, and I think there's even a line that directly mentions these particular monsters breaking through, but I can't remember the specifics. God, Darabont NEEDS to make the DT TV show (as much as I would love to walk into a movie theater and see a "Dark Tower" film, I know I'd be crushed by the obvious trimming to the narrative to fit a 2 hr film. An HBO series, with each season devoted to a book, would be fucking perfection.
• Marcia Gay Harden is fucking HILARIOUS in this movie. "Bitch if I want a friend like you I'll just squat and shit one out." HAHAHAHAHA. So using that on someone. She also claims that going to the moon is one of mankind's sins. See you in hell, Neil Armstrong!!! Also, still hot.
• Tom Jane is noticeably drunk in a few scenes.
• On the ending, I still took the same meaning away, but I think the reason that many folks are turned off by it is because they are not seeing it the same way. If my theory is right, I think Darabont needed to make it a little clearer (perhaps showing some of the supermarket people in the truck). If I'm wrong, well, I dunno, it's still a great movie.

Thank you that is all.

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Horror Movie A Day Commentaries!

At long last, I have finally recorded/edited/uploaded a commentary track for you all to enjoy. However, enjoy may not be the right word, as it's for the Prom Night remake (Unrated version!). I do my best not to talk over anyone, so if you can't imagine yourself sitting through it twice, you should be OK to watch it for the first time with my commentary running. Not like the dialogue is worth hearing anyway.

To get started, first download the file HERE and put it on your ipod or whatever you would like to use (it's just an mp3 file - should work on anything). Then cue up the Prom Night Unrated DVD or Blu-Ray*. Hit "play movie", and you'll get the FBI warnings and such. After the "this commentary does not reflect the views of Sony" text screen goes away, begin my commentary track. If you do it right, the movie should be about 1 second further than the mp3 (so if the movie is at 1:00, my track should be at 0:59).

If you notice that I am "responding" to things later than they occur, pause the movie for a second (or however long is necessary). If I am commenting (or snickering) on things that haven't happened yet, pause ME for a second or two. A few times during the movie I repeat dialogue, they should be more or less in sync.

I hope you guys enjoy it - it was actually a lot of work editing it and stuff (I sound like a goddamn throat cancer victim when I breathe, so I had to take all that out lest you think I was dying), but I'm happy to do more if folks like it. And I promise to do GOOD movies too. Though come on, it's more fun to make fun of a movie, right?

All I ask is that if you download the track and listen, can you PLEASE just make a comment so I can get an idea of how many people are into this? You don't even have to write a full message, just an X to "sign" the list, so to speak. Gracias!

Enjoy!

*It has to be the DVD, not a downloaded .avi or whatever (I am not sure about instant viewing from Netflix type deals though). AVI files run at a different speed and thus sync will constantly "drift". And I absolutely refuse to make a version that will aid downloaders.

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HMAD Commentary - SHOCKER!

Is tomorrow night's screening not enough awesomeness for you? Or are you simply not in the Los Angeles area and thus cannot join the festivities? Well, I got you covered!!! A spur of the moment new Horror Movie A Day Commentary for SHOCKER!! Read on for details!

Because I wanted to get this one up before the screening (just made it!), I didn't have time to wait for the most ideal settings. By that I mean cooler weather. So you can hear my AC blowing the whole time. But the good news is I bought a new mic so despite the AC sound, my voice is clearer than ever! Once again, if anyone is good at audio cleanup, please feel free to 'fix' it and/or tell me how to do so. Again with time being an issue I didn't want to spend too much time futzing with it.

As always, download the mp3 HERE and load it up on whatever audio player you desire. You should start the film at the same time as the commentary, so that the timecodes are identical. If you notice I seem to be reacting too late to things, the movie should be paused. If I am reacting to something before it occurs on screen, then the commentary should be paused. Luckily, Shocker has several wonderful songs for me to sing along with and help guide you. Let me know if there are any problems!

And don't forget, if you're in LA - OCTOBER 3rd, 11:59 PM - NEW BEVERLY CINEMA! Join Wes Craven, Ted Raimi, Richard Brooks, Vincent Guastaferro, and ME! as we bring you what may be the first revival screening of Shocker ever, in time for its 20th anniversary!!!

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Any Readers Good w/Sound?

In a bit I will be posting the newest commentary track, and like the others, it would have gone up two hours earlier if I knew what the hell I was doing when it comes to filtering it so it sounds good. Granted it sounds better now than the original recording, but a. I'm sure it can be even better and b. it takes a lot of time-consuming trial and error to get it that way, and of course I always forget what I did when it comes time for another. So if any readers are or know someone who is a whiz with that sort of thing, please contact me (frightreviews at the gmail) if you are willing to take a small sample of one of my recordings, make it sound good, and then tell me what I can do to achieve a similar result for the whole piece. I use Cool Edit Pro (version 2.1 I believe) but I also have Adobe Audition if that's better/easier (I've never used it). Thanks in advance!!

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Commentary Video!

You can now enjoy the newest commentary for Memorial Valley Massacre in the comfort of your own Horror Movie A Day page. Enjoy, and see THIS post for other downloading options.

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UPDATED: New Commentary!

I'm trying to make up for the delays in getting both of my commentary series off the ground by giving you TWO this week! First up, here is the "Commentary Only" MP3 track for Memorial Valley Massacre, which is the 2nd track in Simon Barrett and I's "Horror People, Dear Reader" series. This is for the folks who own the film on DVD and wish to sync it themselves. The runtimes should be identical (so if the movie is at 34 minutes and 23 seconds, the commentary should also be at 34 minutes and 23 seconds). However, if you are like most people and do not own this movie on DVD, then we got you covered. Head on over HERE to watch a streaming quicktime or download the .mp4, with our comments pre-synced to the movie.

There will also be the 2nd of my solo tracks that are specific to Horror Movie A Day and are for more popular films. And believe me, this is a very popular film :). I don't want to spoil the surprise for those who don't know (or can't guess), but I can guarantee it will be more popular than Prom Night. Look for that this Thursday (or sooner!).

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Cathy's Curse Now Streaming!

If you head on over the Podcast page on Bloody-Disgusting, you can now watch the Cathy's Curse commentary right there on the site (our commentary series is called "Horror People, Dear Reader" - the stream will play on the logo once it's all loaded). Links to for RSS and iTunes are also available there. Again, this is for the synced version, if you have Cathy on DVD and only want our audio to sync yourself, you need this one: JUST THE COMMENTARY (MP3). Enjoy!

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Cathy's Curse Commentary Now Live!

Here it is!!! A pre-synced (that's movie and commentary) Quicktime of the Cathy's Curse Commentary!!! The file size is 200 mb and worth every byte. But for those wonderful souls who already own the film and would rather listen to my rambling on your home theater, you can download an mp3 of JUST THE COMMENTARY TRACK right now! Simply begin the track at the same time as Cathy. Read further for technical hints.

Best way to tell if you're in sync is when the father says "Your mother's a bitch!" about 45 seconds into the film - if you hear our snickering immediately after, you're good. If our reaction seems delayed, then pause the movie for the appropriate amount of time. If we laugh before he finishes the line, then pause the commentary for the appropriate amount of time. If you look at the "time elapsed" times for both the film and the audio, they should be just about the same (less than a second's difference). The commentary track runs another minute or so longer than the movie because Simon and I kept talking. Of course, if you wait, the work will already be done; besides, how many of you already have a copy of the movie anyway?

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New Commentary: Jason Takes Manhattan!

I think I'm getting a bit better at these... it's only been two months since the last one, and I already have another one recorded (just need to edit it). My goal of 1-2 a month might just be achieved after all.

Anyway, as I lost out on recording a "real" commentary on the actual disc for Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, due to Paramount changing their minds about having "fan" commentaries on the discs (only Joe Lynch and Adam Green's track for Final Chapter survived), I decided to record my own. Fuck you, Paramount!

As always, it's a pretty simple process. First download the mp3 track here, and then load it on your iPod or whatever, or simply play it through your computer through any mp3 playback application. At the same time, load up your DVD of Jason Takes Manhattan. Start them both at the same time so that the timecodes on both the mp3 and the film are more or less in sync (within a second anyway), and adjust the volume accordingly so that you can hear me and the film at a comfortable level.

Now, at some point (especially if you're on a computer), the tracks may go out of sync, or "drift". You should be able to tell by the timecode which one is running fast, but if for any reason the timecodes match and you're still out of sync, simply pause the film or the commentary for a second or two. If you notice my reaction to a line or event is delayed, then you need to pause the film. If i seem to be reacting before something occurs, then pause me. Every now and then I say a line of dialogue along with the characters (such as Wayne: "She's sexy!"), that should help.

If there any problems, suggestions... PLEASE post them or email me. I have gotten very little feedback on the others I have done, and it's a lot of work to do if no one's bothering to listen to them. According to the Mediafire info, well over a hundred people downloaded the Halloween track, but I only got 6 comments on it, and only 2 of those were actual feedback (thanks Zed!!!). I know some folks don't want to deal with commenting, and that's fine, but if you want me to keep doing them, I'm gonna need more confirmation that they are being listened to and not just downloaded to your desktop and gathering virtual dust. Thanks guys!!! And look for the next one within the next week or so!

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Commentaries are back.... ish.

OK so in the past year I have managed to record one commentary track, for a movie no one wanted to watch anyway (Prom Night remake). I still plan on doing solo tracks for big(gish) movies, but in the meantime, I will be recording some with Mr. Disgusting and/or Simon Barrett (screenwriter of Dead Birds). We did the first last night, for... you guessed it, CATHY'S CURSE. The plan is to do public domain movies for a while, as we can sync our track up to the movie and release it that way, saving you the hassle of trying to sync it with your iPod or whatever.

Hopefully Cathy will be up in the next week (I've already uploaded the audio to my PC to edit/filter as necessary) on both HMAD and Bloody-Disgusting; in the meantime, check out the awesome site Cultrararevideos for available titles to suggest! Make sure they are on that site (or similar legit public domain movie sites), if the movie is not public domain we can't sync it up without getting in trouble. If the pre-synced version proves to be popular enough, we will consider doing big movies that you can sync yourself, knowing now how much you enjoy our rambling.

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New HMAD Commentary!

With all the hubbub surrounding our new "Video Commentary" series Horror People, Dear Reader over at Bloody Disgusting, I hope you didn't think I forgot about the "solo" HMAD-specific tracks, as I apparently have (being that it's been months since the last one). So to make it up to you, I present you with a commentary for a film I know you all love/hate: ROB ZOMBIE'S HALLOWEEN! Read on for details!

Yes, despite specifically saying that I was done with the movie, I knew folks would request it for as long as I was doing commentaries, so I wanted to get it out of the way before H2 comes along (which, as I point out in the track, I am actually looking forward to). Don't say I never gave you nothing!

As Halloween is most decidedly NOT in the public domain, this means I can't give you the video with my comments already synced up. You gotta do that yourself. So as with Prom Night, first download the MP3 track here (it's about 90 mb). Then load it up on your ipod or whatever else you may use to listen to MP3s. Then load up your Halloween DVD or Blu-Ray. NOTE - This track refers to the UNRATED DIRECTOR'S CUT of the film, and thus will not sync properly with the theatrical (or workprint) versions. I figured the unrated cut is the one that most people own and is also the easiest to find. Press start on the DVD, and then immediately press start on my commentary (they should run pretty close to the same time, but the movie should be a few tenths of a second ahead for perfect syncage).

Now, if the movie and commentary begin to drift out of sync, you need to pause the one that's "fast" for the appropriate amount of time. So, if I begin laughing or commenting on something that hasn't happened yet, pause me. If my reaction seems unreasonably delayed, pause the movie. At times I "sing" along with the score (and also "Love Hurts"), so that should tell you if you're out of sync or not. NOTE - the mp3 is shorter than the movie because I don't talk over the whole end credits.

If you encounter any problems, PLEASE let me know. Also, if you listen to the track, even if you have nothing to say, can you just post a comment here? You can just type a single letter or number for all I care, I'm just trying to gauge how popular these things are so I can decide whether to do more. Thank you.

Enjoy!!!

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Halloween II Commentary Now Live!!

I know I promised it was "coming" like a month ago on Twitter, but you know me. I'm slow. The big Nightmare On Elm Street retrospective took up a lot of free time, and I was also re-watching all of the Platinum Dunes movies for something that never panned out, though it was nice to take another look at them, since I hadn't seen any of them since their theatrical runs (except for The Hitcher, of course!).

Anyway, instead of supporting their insultingly lazy new Nightmare movie, how about you spend some time with another revival of a horror icon, one that DID have some ideas and creativity on display? I've grown to appreciate Rob Zombie's Halloween II, particularly in its director's cut form, and while it still has a lot of problems, I think it's a much better example of how Rob Zombie would do a Halloween movie, something that was often missing from his first film. And you can hear me explain why in my commentary track, which you can download HERE!

As always, simply download the mp3 and load it into any media player you like. Then cue up your Halloween II Director's Cut DVD or Blu-ray, and start them simultaneously, so that their timecodes more or less match. A few times during the movie I say a line along with the characters (usually Loomis), so that should help guide you if you happen to be out of sync. If my reactions seem to be delayed, then you need to pause the movie for a second or two. If I appear to be laughing at something that hasn't happened yet, then pause me for the appropriate time. As long as the timecodes are within a second of each other, then you should be fine.

Now, one thing I should mention - I was a bit sleepy when I recorded the track, and I sometimes talk a bit lower than normal, and mumble a bit. So you might need to turn me up a bit louder than normal, or turn the movie lower. Luckily, the funnier things I tend to say loud, so it shouldn't hamper your enjoyment.

As always, PLEASE let me know if there are any problems with any part of the process, and let me know if you enjoyed it! Or if you hated it!

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Stepfather Commentary Is Here!!

If you follow my Twitter, or listen to my “Video Vault” segments on the Graveyard Show, you might be wondering where my Stepfather remake (or as I like to refer to it, Stepfauxther) commentary went. Well, it’s finally here! Rejoice!

So why the delay? Well, in order to upload the track, I first need to digitize it from my recorder, which occurs in real time, and I can’t use the computer while it goes. So finding time just for that (plus setting it up, which is a pain) is troublesome enough, but the first time, it digitized too “hot”, making my voice distorted. So I had to do it again, again when I had time to it. Then, even worse, after about 20 minutes, I apparently forgot to sit still (in addition to general fidgety-ness, I suffer from restless leg syndrome - people have refused to sit next to me at the movies), resulting in a horrible, hollow knocking sound playing over the entire thing, as my shaking legs were brushing the part of the couch that my mic stand was “attached” to. This resulted in a far more time-consuming editing process than usual, as I needed to remove as much as I can so it would still be listenable. If I had the time, I would have just re-recorded it, but that would be another four hours (2 to watch the movie, 2 to upload the audio). So instead I just hacked away at the track. You might notice I’m not as chatty as usual - that’s because a lot of smaller quips were deleted due to the knocking sound drowning them out. You’ll still hear it, but trust me, it was 10x as bad before I edited.

At any rate, it’s now HERE. As always, simply download the mp3 track and put it in any media player you wish (I have found a new one (new to me anyway) called the VLC player that I quite like, if you’re not satisfied with WMP or whatever). Then put on your Stepfather remake DVD (make sure it’s the unrated director’s cut!), and start my MP3 as soon as the FBI warnings go away and the movie actually starts. The timecode should match up (if you’re half a second off it’s OK); 1:05 on the track should play at 1:05 on the movie. If you notice me laughing or reacting at something that hasn’t happened yet, pause me. If my reaction seems delayed, pause the movie for the appropriate length of time. I forgot to say lines along with the movie until near the very end (“Who am I here?”) so I apologize for that. But as long as the timecodes are in sync than you should be good to go.

Enjoy! Any problems, suggestions, concerns, feedback... let me know! I promise to have the next track (Halloween II) available soon. And I promise to sit still when I record it.

PLEASE, GO ON...

Horror People, Dear Reader Returns!!!

Simon Barrett and I's Horror People, Dear Reader series took an unfortunate hiatus during the summer. We had done a commentary for Suburban Sasquatch, only to discover that the film was not in the public domain as we previously thought. We will try to figure something out so you guys can listen to it (as I assume none of you own a copy already). But we DID do one for another Sasquatch movie - Night Of The Demon. This one might not be public domain either, but goddammit, it's been unavailable for so long, if anyone sues us then we will just countersue him for neglecting to release this epically terrible/awesome movie properly. Needless to say, the quality isn't the best (it's ripped from a DVD of a twice duped VHS tape!), but it's the best we could find for this one. Read on for download info!

So you can download the .mp4 format video HERE, it should work perfectly on your iPod. You can also (and SHOULD!) subscribe to the podcast HERE via Itunes and get the newest episodes as soon as they are posted. And if for some reason you own a copy of this film already and just want our commentary, you can download an MP3 of that HERE. You can also watch the embedded version below, though it does have an annoying watermark. So many options!

One final note - because the film is so hard to find, we understand if you want to watch it without our rambling. To shut us off, simply shut off the right speakers on your computer (by sliding the mixer bar to the left on your volume control panel). By doing that, you'll just hear the movie. And possibly my weeping that I did all this work and you shut me off.

Enjoy!

PLEASE, GO ON...

Alone In The Dark Review

UPDATE: FULL REVIEW(S) NOW LIVE!

When I was asked to be one of the reviewers for Alone In The Dark, I jumped at the chance. A game I wanted to play anyway, but I’d be getting a free copy? Sign my non-game reviewer ass up!

But I wanted to make sure it kept in line with HMAD traditions, so my review will be presented in 8 daily updates, one for each chapter of the game. Each one will talk a bit about my progress in the game in general, and also focus on a particular aspect of the game (control, graphics, sound, etc) in context. Hope you enjoy it!

(Rather than clutter the main board with a daily post, each update will just be linked here)

CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8

PLEASE, GO ON...

AITD: Chapter 8

DAY 9 – CHAPTER 8

TIME SPENT: 6-7 Hours
ACHIEVEMENTS EARNED: 7 (Flaming Roots, Blazing Roots, Hidden Cave, The Path of Darkness, THE LIGHT BRINGER, A Day in Central Park, The Path of Light)
FOCUS: Game as a whole

At long last, the final level of Alone in the Dark! This one is a lot like the last level, in that you spend a good amount of time burning Roots of Evil around the park. Strangely, while there are more of them to destroy, they are much easier for the most part. There are really only two that require puzzle solving, and then there is a group of 5 or 6 on a sort of island where you have to go on foot (and supplies, as usual, are limited). Of course, you don’t need to destroy them all, but you get an achievement for doing so, and it makes a later task much easier to complete. See, killing the roots raises your spectral vision, which allows you to see “hidden” things after you blink your eyes. The more SV you have, the longer the hidden things stay visible. So it’s definitely worth getting as many roots as possible, especially since the barrier your SV allows you to see can cause damage if you accidentally touch it.

Once all the roots are destroyed, you enter a dungeon. And oddly, for the rest of the game you don’t have to really fight anything. You solve an Indiana Jones-style series of booby trap puzzles (hard, but not annoyingly so), and then find some dude who looks like Dhalism at the bottom of the cave or whatever. Then you re-enact that one scene from Hitchhiker’s Guide (“I design fjords”) and go outside.

What follows is yet another annoying driving sequence. It’s the least problematic of the three, but again, there is a jump you need to complete, and random game shit causes your car to lose momentum. Basically, you have to drive up to the end of it, let everything activate (thorns rising from the ground, explosions, etc). Then back up and gun it forward again. And after that, the game is essentially over, you have a bunch of cutscenes in which you do almost nothing in between. The ending is incredibly half-assed – people complained about Halo 2? This one is far more “What? THAT’s the end?”

In the end, I didn’t hate it, but it was very disappointing in several key areas, and what makes it frustrating is how many of them have obvious solutions. Driving sequences? Allow you to get another car if your first one gets stuck. Control scheme? Allow 3rd person shooting and reassign buttons to make a bit more sense. Black liquid? Give you a chance to jump out of it with a health penalty instead of instant death. Also, I didn’t mind the limited inventory space (and many reviews complained about the fact you get attacked while in your inventory, an issue I never really encountered), but I really wish the game would let you put whatever you want in the inventory slots that ARE open. For example, you can only put tape, ammo, and Molotov wicks in the LEFT side of your jacket, for some reason – even more annoying when two left slots are permanently used by a puzzle item and your lighter), and you may have open slots on the RIGHT side.

And maybe, you know, write a goddamn ending.

And really, there is a lot of the game that is truly great. Without all of the glitches, the first driving sequence (59th Street) is one of the most exhilarating game sequences in recent memory (its like the one at the end of Halo 1 and 3, only far more destructive and nerve-wracking). The puzzle system is one of the best of its kind, and the graphics are above average (not quite Gears of War, but better than the rather bland and soft Halo 3). I didn’t care much for the dialogue (too much useless profanity – and that is ME saying this), and the story is sort of generic (amnesia, a human being the key to the rebirth of some ancient evil...), but that would have been easily forgivable had the aforementioned smaller problems been wiped out. Unfortunately, you add those things together, and all of the great things the game offers are sort of negated. It’s a game that’s like 90% great and 10% awful, but that 10% really does a lot of damage.

I would recommend a rental. Some folks have claimed that they had no problem with the game at all, passing through the sequences I’ve mentioned without any difficulty. The skip function is definitely a plus if you want to see what you’re in for before making a purchase. And hell, maybe there’s a patch on the way that will correct some things. The game is thisclose to being great, but for now it’s a tough sell at 60 bucks.

Graphics: 9/10
Sound (including acting/dialogue): 7/10
Story: 5/10
Control: 3/10
Gameplay: 6/10

Overall 7/10

PLEASE, GO ON...

AITD: Chapter 7

DAY 7/8 – CHAPTER 7

TIME SPENT: 7 Hours
ACHIEVEMENTS EARNED: 3 (Burning Root, Free Gasoline, THE PATH OF LIGHT)
FOCUS: Graphics

Anyone who claims I have no patience has clearly never seen me play Alone in the Dark. This is definitely a make or break it level, and I admit, I came very close to just skipping it entirely, especially when after putting it down for a while and coming back, discovering that my progress was not saved and thus I had to redo the first 2/3 of the level all over again (or else not get the Achievement – which I had earned, dammit!).

In an apparent attempt to make up for the relatively easy and enjoyable previous level, this one just annoys you almost all the way through. You start off hanging by a rope, and need to climb up as shit falls down on you. Then you have to climb another rope as Ratz descend shooting their blinding acid spit at you. To shoot them you have to stop, take out your gun, aim, and fire (sometimes twice). By then they usually have the acid in your face which causes you to fall. Fall enough and you simply plummet to your death. After this monstrosity, you have to kill 8-9 Humanz with almost zero supplies, including a knife thrower who you need to shoot in the back to kill (he occasionally turns around but only briefly). Finally, things calm down for a bit as you make your way out of the subway station and into the park once again.

Once there, you need to find and burn x amount of “Roots Of Evil” in order to get your “Spectral Vision” high enough. This is merely an excuse to lengthen the game a bit, but it’s actually kind of fun for the most part. You still have to deal with bad controls and inventory issues, but at least you’re sort of in an open world and can approach it however you want. If one root is causing you problems (about half of them take some puzzle-solving to destroy) you can move on to another, or target practice on Humanz, or simply do the bare minimum and move on (you only need to take out I think 8 or 9 of the roots, there are like 15 around though).

Moving on means heading to a castle and solving another puzzle, completing a mini boss fight, and dealing with some more annoying black liquid, adding another half hour to this already lengthy level. Even if you never died and did only the bare minimum amount of root burning, it would take at least 2 hrs to complete. It took me about 6-7 (factoring in having to do the first 2/3 of the level twice), hence the two day session (it’s the first time I didn’t have time to beat a level in one sitting, let alone one day).

On the plus note, the varying locations gave me the opportunity to marvel at the game’s visuals. For all its problems, this is a damn good looking game and almost demands a nice HD presentation. There is a lot of variety here. Mass Effect is a great game, but every dungeon looked exactly the same. Not the case here, it’s very rare you find yourself in an indoor location that even resembles another, and the outdoor Central Park is also far from repetitive (lakes, sporting areas, a few odd buildings and restrooms, etc). Edward’s character animation is also quite good; especially when he is injured (he gets visual wounds all over his body). And of course, the fire effects are phenomenal, especially when you set a door or something ablaze and watch it spread and burn like a real fire would. The cutscenes are also usually quite good, if not particularly taxing (no FMV, it’s all in engine stuff). I almost wish the sun would come out during the park levels, if only to fully enjoy the scenery.

Out of nowhere difficulty aside, this was actually a pretty good level, due to the various things you have to do and exploration aspects. Supplies could be easier to come by in the park (it’s often quicker to just go back to the castle than look around in the park itself for bottles and meds, which usually results in you attracting the attention of a few Humanz). But the schizo “sometimes great sometimes awful” nature of the game is growing tiresome. With only one level to go (which looks to be another lengthy one), I’m now just looking forward to being done with it more than I am excited to sit down and actually play it. Bummer.

PLEASE, GO ON...

AITD: Chapter 6

DAY 6 – CHAPTER 6

TIME SPENT: 30 minutes
ACHIEVEMENTS: 2 (Meet Again, THE TRUTH)
FOCUS: Storyline

Well here’s a rather unsatisfying level. Not because of the gameplay or anything, but because it was so short! While the other levels have taken 40 minutes at least (more with dying and such), I breezed through this one in under a half hour, and that includes getting momentarily stumped with a puzzle and screwing around trying to do something that I gave up on (there was a high ledge I was trying to get to because I just KNOW it has health spray or something equally useful on it).

Actually though, it’s a good level. Nothing really annoyed me, the puzzles were fun (you get to use a forklift!), enemy combat is kept to a manageable amount, and a lot of exposition is delivered.

Which is why I want to talk about the game’s story. Having never played any of the others, and seeing no connection to the movie, I’ve been sort of in the dark so far. I know Edward Carmby was the protagonist of the other games, but those took place in the 1920s. His age is mentioned in one of the earlier levels, but as to why he is seemingly immortal, they haven’t quite explained. In fact, a lot of the plot is sort of mystical mumbo jumbo so far, and seems largely inconsequential. I’ve played a lot of story heavy games lately (Mass Effect, for example) so maybe I’m just spoiled, but the plot development here is uneven at best. This level gives you lots of info, but previous levels have gone by without any real advancement to the story. All you have to do is watch the “Previously, on Alone in the Dark” sequence before each level and see which ones are important and which are filler.

Another issue is that while I get the gist of what is going on, it’s not really drawing me in to the point where I am truly interested in seeing its conclusion. Even though half the game was just filler, I was truly curious if Nico would ever find the guy he was looking for in GTAIV, and also if he would ever fuck Kate, which kept me going until the end. Here, my primary objective in completing the game is for the theoretical cool points I get for sticking with it despite all the annoyances. It may be laughable at times, but if nothing else, Metal Gear Solid never lets you forget the storyline because the cutscenes are equal to the amount of gameplay, and perhaps they should have followed suit here.

PLEASE, GO ON...

AITD: Chapter 5

DAY 5 – CHAPTER 5

TIME SPENT: 2+ hrs
ACHIEVEMENTS: 5 (Revive, Bloody Mary, Goal!, The Biggest of All, NOT ALONE ANYMORE)
FOCUS: Enemies

Alone in the Dark chapters apparently operate on an alternating design of having a really annoying driving sequence (chapters 2 and 4) and a really annoying black liquid sequence (3 and 5). Chapter 1 had liquid too but it was pretty easy to navigate through. Here, it’s a long L shaped hallway with the liquid covering the entire thing and no nearby fire. You have to run, jump, and of course, do a running jump in order to get through. On a normal game this wouldn’t be much of a problem, but with the bugginess that I’ve grown used to (I even added the word to spell check!), it’s not so simple here.

For starters, the camera often turns at inappropriate times, resulting in you walking into liquid where you couldn’t even see it. But even if the camera worked right, it wouldn’t matter much, because sometimes you’ll die even when standing in a spot that looks clear (apparently the barrier that triggers the instant death animation wasn’t drawn exactly on the lines of light/liquid). And, of course, the jumping button doesn’t always work right when you’re running, and your guy sometimes stops on a dime as soon as you let go of the run button, rather than slow to a normal walking speed, so if you let go in order to prevent yourself from running too far ahead of the light, you’ll just die from behind. Nice. This took me almost an hour to finally get through. And, par for the course, the rest of the level posed no real challenge.

That’s not to say it was a quickie either. Early on you need to clear a bunch of nests, something that isn’t really explained. This took me a while as I ran around scouring for items and ammo, with lots of back and forth stuff. Then there was a pretty goofy puzzle involving lighting a rat on fire that also stumped me for a bit. But that’s OK – I like thinking things through and trying different ways of getting the job done. I DON’T like having to do the same thing over and over again because the unpolished control/camera kept resulting in my death as I tried to do what is otherwise a very simple task. At least when I am stumped with a puzzle, I don’t have to keep watching myself die over and over and then look at a re-loading screen.

This level also contains the first true boss battle. There have been other minor ones, but they were largely simple – you just had to throw a Molotov at them. And that’s how you beat this one too, but unlike the others, it’s not a stationary, largely harmless mass of monster organ stuff. It’s a big ol’ tarantula man thing who shoots an almost endless series of stingers at you and also runs around chasing you. To beat him you gotta wait until he stops shooting in order to take a breath, THEN toss a Molotov at him. I think it takes 5 hits, after each one he goes apeshit and demolishes one of the pillars you are using for cover. Supplies are limited and obtaining them leaves you open to attack. It’s not the toughest battle ever, but it’s a good, and more importantly FAIR, challenge, un-hindered by the problems facing the driving/liquid scenes. It’s not completely perfect though – at one point I got stuck on the wall and had to reload.

The enemy design is great, and it is one of many you see in this level (I think this is the first one to incorporate all 5 of the game enemies seen thus far – Batz, Ratz, Humanz, liquid, and some sort of underground tentacle thing that whips you around if it catches you). I like that you can’t just shoot everything to death, as that would get boring (far as I know, there is no way to ‘kill’ the last two I mentioned). The limited number of supplies and imprecise aiming controls actually serve to intensify the excitement of the battles when they come – not only are you down to a single Molotov, it’s also possible to miss when you toss it in order to make it explode midair because your guy decided to suddenly spin around. Humanz are the most fun to fight – not only are they easy to see (unlike the Ratz, which have a tendency to attack you out of nowhere), but they don’t endlessly respawn like the Ratz/Batz do. Along with the boss, this is probably the most action driven level so far (not counting driving sequences), and the locale (a half-demolished museum) is a nice change of pace after the last two mostly outdoor levels.

PLEASE, GO ON...

AITD: Chapter 4

DAY 4 – CHAPTER 4

TIME SPENT – 2 hrs+
ACHIEVEMENTS EARNED – 6 (Vampirz, Purification by Fire, The Smart Fighter, Stuntman, Fissure, The Sharpshooter)
FOCUS: Overall game setup/design

Oh hey Atari? GO FUCK YOURSELF. I thought nothing could be more frustrating than the driving level at the end of the 2nd chapter, but the one at the beginning of chapter four makes that one look like taking a walk in the park (which is actually one of the many ways to get yourself killed in this level). I cannot honestly believe anyone tested this goddamn game.

In yet another driving sequence, you need to get to the museum. You have one car, and that car is constantly besieged by Batz, which will eventually pick your car up and then drop it to the ground, killing you in an unskippable 25 second animation. How do you fight the Batz? Simple – you either drive really fast or hit something with your car. Let’s list off all of the things that are totally fucking stupid about this scenario/level.

- To defend yourself against enemies trying to kill you, you are asked to ram your car into objects to ward them off – an action that, if repeated enough, will cause your car to burst into flames and kill you.
- Driving fast enough is almost impossible due to all the shit laying around in the road and the constant number of turns you need to take. Anything you so much as brush against will cause you to slow down, if not spin out and stop entirely. And of course, these things add to the damage done to your car, even if it wasn’t enough to drive away the goddamn Batz.
- You cannot get another car or go on foot. All the cars on the road are destroyed, and going on foot results in instant, no warning death after a few seconds.
- There are checkpoints to guide you on the way to the museum. These checkpoints are incredibly small, to the point where it’s possible to drive right past one without it “counting” and thus lighting up the next point (see GTAIV for an example of how to code/implement this type of thing perfectly). The fact that you can’t just use the knowledge you’ve gained from your multiple attempts at the level to just drive to the spot where you last got killed however you damn well please is annoying enough, but the fact that you need to drive over a marker the size of a dime is just infuriating.
- It’s also inexcusably long – I had hit about 20 checkpoints on my best attempt and I didn’t see the museum anywhere close.

Luckily, the developers apparently KNEW that their game was damn near impossible, and thus rather than fix the horrible driving problems, they simply added a pretty unique feature to the game: the ability to skip any part of a level from the menu. This sort of “play the part of the level you like” option is nothing new, lots of games have it. But I think this is the first time a game allowed you to skip parts before you actually completed it (at least, without using a code). Anytime you want in the game, you can pause and look at where you are in the level (they show a timeline with hashmarks denoting each part of the chapter as a whole) and skip ahead using DVD style controls (there is a fast forward button in addition to the chapter forward, you can even skip to a certain part of a part!). I’ve known about the feature since I began playing, but it was the first and hopefully last time I had to use it. I play games to have fun, but when one frustrates me to the point where I need to skip a section entirely, there’s definitely a problem or two with the way the game is designed. Especially when what follows it was ridiculously simple – after that debacle I don’t think I died a single time or even got stumped for the rest of the level. I also racked up a few more achievement points, just not the one for completing the level, natch.

Speaking of the DVD style menu, the whole game is setup like a “TV on DVD” disc. Hell, you even get “Previously...” segments every time you begin a gaming session (even if you are picking it up from halfway through a particular level). I much appreciate this setup – I am definitely one who will sometimes go months without playing a game, so it’s nice to have the little refresher. And believe me you, if I didn’t have to review the game, I certainly would have walked away from it for quite a while after that stupid fucking Batz part.

I also like how the achievement point system is implemented. Unlike some other games, the achievements are easily obtainable just by playing the game – you don’t have to go out of your way for a good number of them. Guitar Hero 3, for example, has insanely stupid ones that require you to do things that you would never actually do if you were just playing the game like a normal person (one had you beat a song on expert with the sound turned off – what?). I am sure there are a few that would probably require some extra work, but since I haven’t “tried” to get any so far and have gotten 22 out of 49 of them (assuming I can finish the Batz part, that would be 23 out of 49, just shy of half), and I am halfway through the game, I would say that’s a good sign. The game is very linear and so far I have seen no sort of benefit to exploration or item collecting (two things you actually CAN’T do for the most part), thus I highly doubt that I will spend much time with it once I have finished the final level.

And yes, I know achievement points have no value, but in a way, they DO – the more achievements you have earned (even idiotic ones), the more of the game you have obviously explored/completed. Take a game like GTAIV – there is an achievement for getting 100% completion in the game (doing the actual game, all the side missions, meeting all the friends, finding all the hidden packages, completing all of the stunt jumps, etc). If you were to get that (not to mention all the ones you’d get in the process), you’d have close to 800 points (more if you’ve also played multiplayer), and thus it’s pretty safe to assume you have gotten more out of your 60 dollar investment than someone who just beat the game straight through (which would yield about 300 points total). You can look at a low number of points for any particular game as a sign that you haven’t really taken part in everything the game has to offer.

Anyway, now that I am halfway through the game, I expect it to get more difficult. I HOPE the difficulty stems from things like “This boss has a lot of strength” or “I am running low on ammo” instead of “I just died because my car got stuck in between nothing and a lamppost”. We shall see...

PLEASE, GO ON...

AITD: Chapter 3

DAY 3 – CHAPTER 3

TIME SPENT: 1 hr
ACHIEVEMENTS EARNED: 10 (The Molotov Cocktail, Countdown to Death, Basic Combination, The Sticky Bomb, The Air Bomb, Cocoon, Fire Bullets, Toasted Eggs, The Glowstick Bomb, PAINFUL ANSWERS)
FOCUS: Puzzles

In this level, you need to first navigate your way into a building via a series of ledges, half suspended cars, pipes, etc. It’s actually a really fun sequence, with some good puzzles to boot. My favorite involved a bus that was seesawing over a ravine. You need to get in the back of the bus and exit out the front without tipping it too far. It wasn’t exactly a stumper (look at all those corpses in the bus!) but it was a perfect example of what I was talking about before – the puzzles making sense in the context of the game. Later, I actually WAS stuck before realizing that a door at a 90 degree angle above me may have something above it that would drop once the door was opened.

After this sequence you enter the sewers, where more puzzles await. Most are simple in execution, and again make sense in the game world. Wires need to be removed from the water, doors without handles need to be blown open, inventory items need to be combined, etc. The only time frustration really set in was near the end, when some black liquid ripped off from The X-Files kept killing me. You need to use light to keep it away, but for whatever reason the light I was using (and that had worked perfectly fine before) wasn’t good enough. I don’t particularly care for inconsistent enemy behavior in a game, but it wasn’t the end of the world. Plus, it was part of a multi-part puzzle that I enjoyed, even if it was slightly “gamey” (why would a gas valve be located at the bottom of a pool?). There was also some action involved, and like I suspected, shooting and fighting is getting a bit more natural.

The only downer was another driving sequence at the end of the level, which again was marred by poor collision detection. You need to jump a gap, and your car will occasionally get stuck or clip something that you can’t actually see, resulting in reduced speed and thus not enough momentum to get across the gap. Blah.

Otherwise this was probably my favorite level so far – it was challenging, but I didn’t need to repeat anything more than 2-3 times, which is fine. Not too much of the story was revealed, allowing you to just play for the most part. And as an achievement point whore, I much enjoyed seeing my score rack up so much over the course of an hour.

PLEASE, GO ON...

AITD: Chapter 2

DAY 2 – CHAPTER 2

TIME SPENT: 2 Hrs+
ACHIEVEMENTS EARNED: 5 (Car Thievery. Never Leave a Key Here, Wired, The 10 Mile Race, QUESTIONS)
FOCUS: Driving

The second chapter finds you teamed with a girl named Sarah as you attempt to escape the building (er, ALONE in the dark?). You’re on the ground floor now, but walking out the front door is apparently not going to work. You also get your first real taste of combat, as well as some of the enemies in the game. First are what the game calls Humanz, which are essentially zombies (fast kind) that have been infected by whatever the monster is. You also encounter some small facehugger type things that are a real pain to kill due to the poor control of shooting (you can only shoot in first person mode, and aiming when they are standing still is pretty difficult, let alone when they are scampering about and attacking you). You also meet another guy who claims to have some of the answers you seek, but in true gaming tradition he won’t actually tell you anything until you do some more puzzles and combat.

This level also includes the first of what I hope aren’t too many driving sequences. After playing GTA for two months, it’s almost refreshing to control a car that doesn’t really follow real world physics (meaning turning while going 75 mph isn’t that hard), but the problem is the car gets stuck way too easily. At one point I had to restart a part of the level because the car got stuck in a place that kept me from progressing. However, I did like the little minigame process of stealing a car. Cumbersome window smashing controls aside (see Chapter 1 for details), it’s pretty awesome to check under the visor for a key, turn on the radio, and hot wire a car in first person mode (as opposed to the scripted, “out of your hands” style of GTA).

After this initial driving sequence comes what may be the most frustrating game segment of all time. You are finally outside of the building, but the entire city is under attack. Your task is to drive to Central Park as the city crumbles around you (not to mention the tentacle monsters attacking from all sides). It’s an amazing sequence visually, and the score that accompanies it is also well above average for a video game. Unfortunately, the aforementioned tendency for the cars to get stuck on other cars (or nothing at all in some cases) makes this entire sequence much more of a chore than it should be. It becomes a series of memorization and trial and error gameplay, so coupled with the bugginess of the whole thing, you can expect to make several attempts before finally reaching the end. I actually got an achievement award for driving 10 miles in the game, which is the type of achievement that you probably wouldn’t get until the very end of the game if you were playing it “right”, and yet I got it on what was essentially my first driving level. Kind of suspect.

Luckily everything else about the game is solid fun, and I look forward to playing through the rest. I just hope that the bugginess phased out or simply outweighed by the good.

PLEASE, GO ON...

AITD: Chapter 1

DAY 1: CHAPTER 1

TIME: Hour or so
ACHIEVEMENTS EARNED: 1 (BLACKOUT)
FOCUS: Controls

I had never really played any of the other Alone in the Dark games (I tried one on the PSone, and got rid of it ten minutes later due to a truly awful control scheme, I forget which one it was though), but that didn’t make me any less excited for the new one, because I love survival horror in general, and if my beloved Xbox360 has one flaw, it’s the complete lack of games in the genre. Condemned is the only other one, and that came out at launch almost three years ago! There is also Dead Rising, but that’s more of an action/comedy game than anything scary (plus the actual survival mode is only available once you beat the game). So not only did I want to play the game, I want it to be a success, thus presumably paving the way for more of its type to hit the system (and indeed, two more are on the way – Dead Space and Left 4 Dead. Woooo!)

The game starts off in the middle of a crisis. New York is seemingly under attack by some sort of monstrous force (black liquid/tree-ish tentacle things devouring everything), and of course, its up to you, Edward Carnby, to stop it via solving puzzles, killing enemies, and having long dialogues with strange people you meet along the way. And of course, since it's a video game, he has amnesia (which is a bit odd for a game that’s essentially part 5 of a series). As the game begins he is about to be executed for some reason, but the monster things kill his captors and destroy much of the building he is in, and so your job is to get out alive while helping a few folks along the way.

The first level functions as sort of a long-form tutorial, as you learn to use weapons, heal yourself, solve puzzles, climb on wires, etc. None of it is particularly groundbreaking, but some of the puzzles you’ll encounter are pretty original. For example, at one point a dangling electric wire is blocking your path. To get by, you must keep the wire away from the ground by hooking it on an extruded part of the wall above. Stuff like that is much more preferable than the type of puzzles found in the Resident Evil games, which often don’t make any sense (why would a police station have a statue that needs two differently colored jewels placed in its eye sockets in order to get to the second floor?).

The controls are not very intuitive, sadly. The Y button is used to switch perspective from third to first person, and A is used for pretty much everything else. X is used to make Edward run, but it’s barely faster than his walking speed. In addition, it’s very difficult to make him turn around when in third person mode, as he is often seemingly fixated on something in front of him (I quickly got into the habit of just switching to first person, turning, and switching back rather than fumble about). It’s also a bit awkward to swing melee weapons (chairs and brooms mainly), which is how you catch things on fire to make torches. You use the right stick to swing them around, which is a sweet idea in theory, but it’s very awkward and hitting an exact target (a small flame for example) is a very trial and error process. Hopefully this is just growing pains associated with a new control scheme, and as I progress it will become more natural. So far, it’s a pretty fun game and definitely has a bit of an old-school charm that I highly appreciate.

PLEASE, GO ON...