Ringu 2 (1999)

DECEMBER 18, 2008

GENRE: ASIAN, GHOST
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

I was about halfway through Ringu 2 when I began to understand why the American sequel had a completely new storyline rather than follow this one (the two original films are pretty identical, so I figured the sequels would follow suit) – this movie kind of sucks. The American Ring Two was even worse, but you can’t blame them for attempting something different rather than redo this overplotted and thoroughly unscary version.

Let’s get what works out of the way. They aren’t copying the original movie, and given the rather limited number of stories one could make about a haunted video tape, it was a wise choice to open it up a bit and stick with the characters, rather than bring in a bunch of new characters and have them suffer the same fate(s) of the people in the original. Also, more on that, the movie picks up a few days later, and all of the surviving actors have returned, so it feels like a genuine continuation, not a completely unrelated entry like The Eye 2. And there’s a rather surprising death of a major character halfway through (probably the primary reason this movie was not the basis for the American one), which is a ballsy move.

But that’s about it. The problems more than outweigh the high points. For starters, the movie is only about a tenth as freaky or scary as the original. There are surprisingly few scenes of long haired ghosts fucking with people, and those few aren’t particularly exciting either. The most suspenseful the movie gets is when a guy is trying to erase a tape and he keeps failing to do so.

Speaking of tape qualities, something bugs me. The only way to end your curse is to make a copy of the tape and give it to someone, right? So that copy is at least third generation at that point (since the one that caused all the trouble in the first place was itself a copy), right? So that guy makes a copy and gives it to someone to save HIS ass, and now we’re on a 4th generation dub. And so on. Well, then wouldn’t the tape eventually be so damn muddled and blurry that the ghost wouldn’t be able to find its way out of the well and into your TV? Also, what happens when you give the tape to someone who already had it? “No thanks, Steve gave me a copy yesterday.” Eventually, folks will run out of people to give it to.

Another issue I had with this movie was its stubborn refusal to keep things simple. There are so many goddamn subplots in this movie, I felt like I was watching three movies combined into one. Dead fathers, facial reconstruction, mute kids, psychic powers, super-water, spirit photography, police investigations... not to mention the damn video, which pops up from time to time, mainly to try to remind the audience that this is a sequel to Ringu and not Ju-On (which it often feels like). The water stuff in particular is annoying – apparently one of the after effects of being cursed is that you can turn ordinary tap water into super-absorbent water? What the hell kind of special power is that? Sylar wouldn’t even bother to snarl at the owner of that power, let alone cut open his forehead to take it. And the end of the film seems partially lifted from Exorcist II, hardly a great source to crib your sequel ideas.

Also, and this isn’t the movie’s fault, but I noticed that when you watch a foreign film, even with subs you’re still missing out on some of the ambience, because they can’t subtitle everything. Like at one point, the little creepy kid has scattered a bunch of pages, all of which have different things on them, but the subs only translate one (“I feel scared” or something of that nature). Newspaper articles, TV headlines, etc... all suffer the same fate. Even some dialogue gets left to the imagination – an interview with a girl who has watched the tape is playing, and after two or three lines, the subs no longer translate what she is saying for our benefit (the main characters begin talking over the video, but still, in my own language I’d be able to follow both). It’s like playing a role playing game without talking to any of the townspeople or reading the quest descriptions.

Luckily, the DVD has no extra features whatsoever, which means my time spent in the increasingly underwhelming Ringu universe was limited to the 92 minutes for the film itself. However, when I was looking the movie up on Wikipedia to see if I could gain any insight as to why a pretty decent movie can’t seem to come up with a good sequel, I discovered the existence of a Dreamcast game based on the concept. Has anyone played this thing? Dreamcast is the only console that I’ve never even touched, so I’m completely oblivious on the details.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Zombie Diaries (2006)

DECEMBER 17, 2008

GENRE: MOCKUMENTARY, ZOMBIE
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

What the fuck is it about British zombie movies that makes people exalt them to high heaven, ignoring all of their derivative qualities? When 28 Days Later came out, folks sang its praises, claiming how much better it was than Dawn or Day of the Dead, while completely ignoring the fact that without those movies, 28 Days Later would be pretty damn short due to the fact that nearly half the film consists of scenes with only minor differences from their superior counterparts in Romero’s films. Now we have The Zombie Diaries, which most reviewers claim is far superior to the similar Diary of the Dead, despite the fact that this film shares almost all of the same problems Romero’s had, and is far less interesting to boot.

For example, many complained about the characters in Diary filming things that they shouldn’t, and the camerawork being too “clean” (so we could see the top notch gore effects). Well Zombie Diaries does it one better: at one point a guy fires a shot, and then there’s a goddamn CUT to the zombie getting its head blown apart! With one camera! Also, these characters film their friends being eaten and many benign conversations and events, not to mention take the time to perfectly frame just as many headshots as Romero’s characters did (and unlike that film, none of the kills here are particularly memorable). But it’s British, not American, so it’s OK I guess?

And Diary, for all its faults, at least stuck to a single concept (film students are making a horror movie, end up being in one) and a core group of characters, most of whom never filmed anything. Here, we follow three separate groups, and while the documentary team has an excuse, none is ever given for why the other two are constantly filming their adventures (and certainly not why these regular folks are equipped with good cameras and an endless supply of tapes and batteries). As a result, it’s often very confusing as to who exactly is filming, especially near the end of the film when the groups begin intersecting. At first I thought the film would present a tapestry of different characters, a la Max Brooks’ incredible book "World War Z", which would have been fine, but the constant switching back and forth of perspective is needlessly confusing and ultimately annoying. Perhaps if the groups weren’t intercut with one another, and instead presented whole in 25-30 min segments, it would work better.

But even then, the movie would still suffer from the same shit that many zombie movies do: evil fucking humans. Yeah, because the end of the world, losing all your loved ones, and the undead walking around is simply not enough for a single movie, you gotta have a couple of humans show that “we” are the REAL monsters. It’s the same moronic decision that ultimately sunk 28 Days Later and many other zombie films (even the original Dawn loses a lot of steam once the biker gang shows up). I don’t understand why this is such a prevalent concept in zombie films. I don’t see this happening in other genres; it’s not like you’re watching The Howling and then near the end a bunch of fucking goblins show up too. Christ, zombies don’t even figure into the final 10 minutes of a movie called ZOMBIE DIARIES, because the evil humans have once again become the main antagonists.

That all said, it’s not without merit. The first half hour or so (before the “Survivor” group is introduced) is pretty solid, and the acting is decent for the most part. There’s a guy in the “Scavenger” group that’s pretty bad, but otherwise they are all believable, and more importantly not recognizable. The biggest mistake any of these mockumentary movies can make is to cast well-known actors (part of why I didn’t even bother with Quarantine), so at least they got that right. And to be fair, it did come BEFORE Diary of the Dead and a lot of the other recent “found footage” type movies, so kudos to coming up with an original-ish way to PRESENT their zombie movie; it’s just a shame that they couldn’t come up with original ideas to put into it as well.

The DVD comes with two commentaries, one by the director/writer/producer/editor team (no one else to blame for the movie’s faults!) and one by the cast. I listened to the director one; it’s plenty informative, though they start off by claiming they won’t be pretentious and then 10 minutes later they are knocking Blair Witch’s jump cuts, noting that they are “absurd”, apparently forgetting that the film is presented as edited footage and thus the jump cuts make total sense. They also knock on 28 Days for some of its faults (I’m no big fan of that film either, so I don’t care, but it’s still worth noting I think), rather than bother to note their own. There are also quite a few deleted scenes, confusingly presented in three separate menus (one per survivor group). “Play All” only refers to the scenes for that group, so make sure you click around if you want to see all of the footage that was wisely removed from the film. Many reviews point out an hour-long making of documentary being included as well, but damned if I could find it on the copy I rented.

The DVD box also features what I assume is the cover for a much more exciting zombie movie, since it doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with this one.

On the back of the DVD, a site (magazine?) called Dark Side is credited with saying that it’s “The Best Zombie Film Ever!” This bummed me out; I feel bad for anyone who lives in a universe that doesn’t include Night of the Living Dead (1968 or 1990), Dawn of the Dead (78 or 04), Day of the Dead (85), Land of the Dead, Diary of the Dead, 28 Weeks Later, Shaun of the Dead, The Beyond, Zombie, The Gates of Hell, Return of the Living Dead, Zombies Anonymous, Dead & Buried, [Rec], Mulberry St, Demons, Demons 2, Boy Eats Girl, Night of the Creeps, Messiah Of Evil, Flight Of The Living Dead, Black Sheep, Deathdream, Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things, Planet Terror, Brain Dead, Prince Of Darkness, or Cemetery Man. To name a few.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Mummy (1932)

DECEMBER 16, 2008

GENRE: CLASSIC, MONSTER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

When I saw the 1999 remake of The Mummy, I enjoyed it, but was a bit bummed that it was not even close to a horror movie like the original. However, I said this without actually having SEEN the original, which I assumed was about a guy running around with bandages, killing folks in London or something. So now that I have seen it, I have to admit: Stephen Sommers made the right choice to go all out adventure with his film, because as a horror film, the concept doesn’t really work for me (the one I made up in my head was way better!).

First off though, let me make something clear: Karloff is great in the role, in fact maybe even better than he is in Frankenstein, simply because he has more to do and is playing someone I can identify with a bit more (I believe in reincarnation more than I believe in stitching a dude together and electrocuting him until he wakes up). But a great performance doesn’t mean the movie itself is great, or even good.

The main problem with the movie is the complete inertness of it all. Nothing fucking happens, and when it does it’s off-screen or skipped over entirely. The finale comes out of nowhere because of this: our heroine is drawn out of her home by the hypnotic lure of the monster (the movie owes more than just a little to Dracula), and then all of a sudden she is decked out in Egyptian garb, convinced she really is "Anck-es-en-Amon" and not the modern day woman she was just seconds before. Huh? It’s like there is an entire reel missing.

Plus, for a villain, he is pretty careless with his attacks. He takes out the woman’s boyfriend, presumably because he is the only one that can pose any serious threat to his plans, yet fails to actually kill him. This allows the guy to wake up and mount a traditional rescue, but even that doesn’t actually happen. Instead, a statue waves its arm around a bit, which causes Karloff to disintegrate for some reason, and the movie ends 10 seconds later. I don’t think the girl even kisses her should-be-dead-boyfriend, a traditional end of the movie moment I assumed would be the only reason he survived in the first place.

Another problem: it’s simply not scary, or even suspenseful. Imhotep is often seen chatting with the other characters, and doesn’t seem to want to cause them any real harm, which means I didn’t really fear for any of their lives. And his motive is hardly a terrifying concept – he simply wants to nail his old girlfriend. If it wasn’t for all of the Dracula swipes (even the Swan Lake music pops up) and Karloff’s Jack Pierce makeup, I wouldn’t even consider this a horror movie. A kind of nice love story maybe, but not horror.

Luckily for Universal, I’m in the minority, so they have assembled a nice package for fans to enjoy. There’s a 30 minute retrospective about the film’s origins, which also has a lengthy section about lead actress Zita Johann, and a rather dismissive account of the non-sequel Mummy films that Universal made in the 40s (this one never had a legit followup). Newsflash – when you are selling a set with 5 movies, try not to trash the other 4 on the disc for the 1st one. Kind of sets me up for disappointment, and I’m already far off the Mummy bandwagon. There is also a commentary by film historian Paul Jensen. Like Tim Lucas on the Bava films, he sounds like he is reading a Wikipedia entry at gunpoint, and spends a lot of time simply narrating the action (and at one point apparently gets bored and begins describing another movie entirely, in full detail), but there’s still a lot of good trivia to learn while listening (that “missing reel” I mentioned is explained: apparently there was a longer sequence, which he describes, but never says why it’s not in the film itself). The film’s trailer and a collection of images round out the disc (the four other films are smushed together on disc 2). The transfer is also better than many of the other 1930’s classics from Universal (in particular Frankenstein, which was pretty lousy if I recall), though I fail to understand why the brand new Universal logo (with the website URL and everything) is shown in black and white, as if someone would be tricked into thinking it’s part of the original print.

One last note – there’s an actor in the movie named Noble Johnson. Is it just me, or is that the classiest porn name of all time?

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Damien: Omen II (1978)

DECEMBER 15, 2008

GENRE: KILLER KID, RELIGIOUS
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

The most interesting thing about Damien: Omen II is how the death scenes seem to have influenced the minds behind the Final Destination kill sequences. Almost no one just dies in this movie, there is always a chain of events preceding it. Most striking is an elevator kill late in the film. Does the elevator just crash to the ground and kill the guy like in a regular movie? Nah, after it hits, a pair of weights connected by a thick cable fall from the top of the shaft, slicing through the top of the car and cutting the victim in half. It makes no fucking sense at all, but it’s still pretty awesome. The original had one too (the decapitation), but it seems to be the rule rather than the exception here.

And it’s actually a much better sequel than I expected. Like the original, it’s a classy killer kid movie; silly deaths aside, the concept isn’t played for dark humor like other KK movies. Of course, you don’t get actors like William Holden unless you’re taking things serious, so I guess I should have known better right from the start. It’s not as terrifying, but it’s suspenseful enough, and the storyline is interesting without copying too much from the original. There’s a great scene about halfway through when a teacher grills Damien about historical dates, all of which Damien seemingly knows before the teacher even finishes asking. Given how terrible I am at remembering dates, I wholeheartedly accept exceptional skill at it to be the Devil’s work.

One thing that bummed me out though was the relative lack of military school sequences compared to the ones revolving around the Thorn company. The idea of an Antichrist wreaking havoc on fellow soldiers-in-training, hardass captains, etc is particularly enticing, but Damien actually spends most of his scenes in or around the home of his adoptive parents or taking factory tours. This story decision is even more frustrating when you consider the fact that Damien’s watcher at the academy is played by a young(er) Lance Henriksen. As a result, Lance only has like 3 scenes (none of which really explain how he knows what Damien is, though the IMDb trivia helped me out there), which is 1-2 less than the number of scenes that some random Thorn executive has.

There’s also a death setpiece that would not be possible unless it was winter. Why does every killer kid movie seem to have a pre-occupation with ice and/or snow? The Good Son, Godsend, Devil Times Five, Cathy’s Curse, Whisper...

I also like how Damien still seems to be rather oblivious to his powers for the first hour or so It would have been easy to have him as a malevolent teenager purposely doing harm on those who bother him, but again, he seems rather innocent until the third act, and even then he's hardly a power-hungry villain; he still acts human and evokes sympathy. The only problem I really had with the remake of the original was that Damien was a hateful little bastard (that and it was otherwise the exact same movie, albeit with a better graveyard scene IMO). I assume that the next two movies has Damien in full on villain mode, but it was fun while it lasted.

The only extra is a commentary with producer Harry Bernhard, moderated by J.M. Kenny (who was responsible for getting this box set together). Like most producers who offer commentary tracks when the writer or director is MIA, he seems to be a giant blowhard who belittles the work of those who you would rather be listening to, and yet tries to sound like he’s the good guy in the whole thing (when discussing original director Mike Hodges, he merely points out that “they didn’t see eye to eye”, then reveals that replacement director Don Taylor is married to a good friend of his, offering no other qualifications for a man who directed only TV movies both before and after his work on this film). Most annoying is when he gets annoyed about the red dress that Joan Hart wears. “I don’t want anyone to think that I had anything to do with that red dress!” he barks. Well, why would they? You’re a fucking producer. Your job is to make sure that the director has all of the red dresses that he fucking wants as long as it fits into the budget. He also spends a good chunk of the time talking about all the great actors he found and all the great locations he selected, instead of explaining why he hasn’t managed to make a movie since 1991 (the TV movie Omen IV). Maybe Big Red Dress had him exiled. To be fair though, he is also largely responsible for Jerry Goldsmith’s return, which gave the film an extra layer of legitimacy.

Finally, I would like to point out that the repeated use of the phrase “born of a jackal” gave me pleasant thoughts of Ludo as I watched the film. “She moves through moonbeams slowly, she knows just how to hold me. And when her edges soften, her body is my coffin!”

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse (1967)

DECEMBER 14, 2008

GENRE: HERO KILLER, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

The Netflix description for This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse (Brazilian: Esta Noite Encarnarei no Teu Cadáver) claims that it’s more or less a remake of the first film, but I disagree. Like any sequel, there is a general sameness to the plot, but it’s far from a complete do-over. There’s another poker game, but that’s hardly worth damning the film with a remake tag. In fact, it picks up where the original left off, keeping continuity alive, unlike other “sequels that are really remakes”, such as Evil Dead 2. Plus, it features a new town, different characters, is about a half hour longer, and best of all, further delves into the psyche of the character of Coffin Joe.

Whereas in the first film his hatred of religion was more of a glorified character quirk than anything, it’s pretty much front and center here. You can’t ask this guy for the time without him ranting about how religion is for morons and how neither heaven or hell does not exist. It actually gets a bit tiresome as the film goes on (it’s 105 minutes long); it’s as if no one told José Mojica Marins that spending so much energy putting something down is just as annoying as preaching it.

It’s also a better made film than the original, by far. The acting is still hit or miss, but the production value and camerawork are far more professional, and Marins has improved his performance as well. Also, there are no effects achieved by gluing some glitter onto the film negative (though he has seemingly employed a similar idea for the opening credits, which are among the most insane and enjoyable in film history). And there’s a lot more violence, mostly at the hands (legs?) of spiders and such, so there’s something.

Also, Joe is more, for lack of a better word, compassionate in this one. Early on he saves a little boy from getting run over, and then he feels extremely guilty for killing a woman who was pregnant (she wasn’t showing yet). No one tries to cheer him up by pointing out that he wasn’t the father of the child, and thus it wouldn’t have been perfect anyway, but oh well. Apparently, there’s even a censor-mandated version in which Joe accepts Christ as his savior shortly before dying (pfft, there’s a 3rd one, so he doesn’t die anyway), which would have made an interesting extra feature.

The only extras are another interview with Marins, in which he moans about how professional actors don’t like it when you twist their fingers with pliers or set off small bombs near them in order to get a certain reaction, hence why he uses amateurs. The best thing about it is that he seems to think that the professional actors are in the wrong on this matter. There are also a trio of trailers, for this (which spoils the awesome and surprising color sequence), the first film, and another sort-of sequel called Awakening Of The Beast, which was considered the third part of the trilogy until Embodiment of Evil came along.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Hellgate (1989)

DECEMBER 13, 2008

GENRE: COMEDIC, ZOMBIE
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Since The Pit was so amazing, I had high hopes for Hellgate, as it was on the other side of the disc. It also starred Horshak himself, Ron Palillo. And a wax tourist trap figured into the equation, which brought along memories of, well, Tourist Trap, one of my all time favorite movies.

Unfortunately, it sucked.

I dunno how they could take all that promise and make a movie so dull, but that is precisely what screenwriter Michael O’Rourke and director William A. Levey did. By my count, there was only one inspired sequence in the entire film – when two older dudes point a rock at a fishbowl, which makes the goldfish grow and grow until it shatters the bowl and turns into a flopping mutant thing on a table. Then they do the same to a turtle. I was hoping that the rest of the movie would just be two old dudes pointing a rock at various marine life and seeing what happened, but instead, we go back to our four dull leads doing their dull thing.

And four is as many hero sort of characters we get. It’s not a bad number for a zombie movie (I believe Dawn of the Dead did just fine with a quartet) but O’Rourke and Levey seemingly refuse to kill them, or even put them in any real danger until the final 15-20 minutes of the 91 min film. And they never introduce any significant sub-hero characters to kill either, so the movie just treads water until then. There’s some nonsense with Palillo horsing around with a blond woman who is a ghost (or something, I actually got pretty baffled by some of the movie, just never in a good way), which makes his girlfriend mad, but that’s about the extent of the suspense until the final reel.

Back to the blue rock laser thing – it’s the most inconsistent magic implement I’ve ever seen in a movie. It always shoots out the same blue line, but the consequences change at random. Some things grow larger in size; others turn rather monstrous but don’t really grow that much. Some objects explode instantly; others just simply break in half. And then some folks just turn into the zombies that we occasionally see wandering around, but never seem to figure into the actual story.

And if anyone can explain the scene with this guy... be my guest.

Also, and I don’t mean to be mean, but the two girls are... how can I put this nicely... not very attractive. Come on, casting people – if you’re going to make a bad horror movie, at least make sure that the two girls who don’t do anything are at least hot, for the audience’s sake. One of them looks like Paul Reubens for Christ’s sake.

The uneven tone doesn’t help either. When you’re making a horror/comedy, the least you can do is succeed on one count, but Hellgate doesn’t even come close on either front. The only laughs I got were unintentional, stemming from the cheap-o effects (and the giant fish) and the movie is never the slightest bit scary or suspenseful (except, again, the giant fish, which kind of freaked me out since I am afraid of fish).

This movie must have been direct to DVD. The IMDb has no “box office/business” information, and BoxOfficeMojo actually laughed at me for attempting to find out the financial success of a (the?) movie starring Ron Palillo. So, what, three days into my “No more DTV crap!” credo, I’ve already fucked up. Oh well.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Amityville II: The Possession (1982)

DECEMBER 12, 2008

GENRE: HAUNTED HOUSE, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

After the first Amityville, it was pretty much a no-brainer that someone would make a film about the original case, that of the DeFeo family. But it’s not quite as clear why the makers of Amityville II: The Possession would change the creepiest aspect of the story, and also structure their film in a way that results in the second half being more of an Exorcist knockoff than a haunted house film.

While there have been theories and varying confessions from the involved parties, nothing can change the fact that the DeFeo family members were all killed sound asleep in their beds, none of them waking up at the sound of the initial shots. Yet in this movie (which, to be fair, is just based on the real case; their names have been changed and other details completely fabricated or left out) they are all awake, and there’s even a sort of chase scene implemented into it, as the fake Ronald DeFeo chases his sister/not-so-secret lover around the house; a sequence not unlike most of the slasher films of the era (it’s a triple genre offering!). Granted, it’s obvious that the movie is after cheap shock value more than creepy suspense, but still, changing this fact rubbed me the wrong way.

Also, the melding of two films has some structural problems. I can understand that having another movie set entirely around a family getting angry and seeing weird shit in their new home wouldn’t be particularly interesting, but it doesn’t change the fact that the 2nd half, after Ronny kills them all, is far less exciting. If I was Tommy Lee Wallace (who wrote the script, a fact I was not aware of until the credits began to roll), I would have had the “Ronny on the run” sequences come first, without knowing why people were after him. Then, once captured, I would present the haunted house stuff as a flashback (which would also help another problem, more on that next), and then end with the Exorcist nonsense, which I guess I’d be stuck with for some reason. I think the movie as a whole would work better this way, instead of feeling so all over the place.

Back to that other problem though – there is no time for sympathy for any of the family members. By the 5 minute mark they are already at each other’s throats and seemingly under the house’s spell. Brolin turned asshole rather quickly in the first one too, but not THIS quickly, and it was only him, whereas here the mom and older brother turn bitterly angry along with him. The only one who doesn’t seem very affected is the sister, but she’s a damn weirdo as well (she’s all over the brother from the minute she is introduced – I suspect that if the ghosts didn’t possess him, she would have just climbed into his bed on her own). It’s more entertaining, sure, but this means that the entire second half of the film resolves around trying to cure/help a guy who I didn’t like even before he began shotgunning his entire family.

Still, as you might expect, it works in a Grindhouse-y way. Indeed, Andrew Prine himself even shows up as a friend to the resident priest (James Olson, who is for all intents and purposes the star of the film). He’s rather subdued, and his role is rather minor in the grand scheme of things, but still, he brings along a whiff of the exploitative that the rest of the cast seemingly embraced. Burt Young in particular is delightfully despicable, and Jack Magner as Ronny (renamed Sonny) reminded me of Scream Bloody Murder’s Fred Holbert. Sadly, both men apparently never capitalized on their would-be breakout roles, though Magner popped up in Firestarter at least (Holbert has never been heard from again).

Plus, you could certainly never accuse the movie of being boring. The first half is nonstop haunted house clichés, icky incestuous scenes (complete with a “break up”) and hysterical family domestic disputes. And then Magner runs around half-possessed for most of the second half. Also, the complete lack of regard for continuity with the original film (this is a prequel, though that is never actually made clear in the film either) is pretty admirable, especially near the end of the film when the house is more or less blown up, an event that apparently left no damage for the Lutz family to endure when they move in a few months later. And even though the Exorcist stuff is a bit past its time (this movie was made nearly 10 years after that classic), it’s still enjoyable and fast-paced, with some impressive makeup as well.

Since I’m not a big fan of haunted house movies anyway, I’m probably not the best person to ask for a recommendation. But if there was one I would want to see at the New Bev, it would be this one for sure. On with the rest of the sequels!

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Phantom Of The Opera (1962)

DECEMBER 11, 2008

GENRE: HERO KILLER (?), REVENGE (?)
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

As I’ve made clear in the past, The Phantom Of The Opera is hardly one of my favorite stories, yet I was interested in seeing the Hammer version. If nothing else, I assumed, it would be rather bloody for its day, have lavish costumes and sets to enjoy, and maybe Christopher Lee or Peter Cushing popping up somewhere.

Sadly, only one of those turned out to be true, and I’m sure you can guess which. But even that kind of disappointed, since the Phantom’s mask (always a source of “how will they do it” curiosity for any adaptation) was pretty bland, and covered his entire face. Plus, his ‘real face’ makeup isn’t all that terrifying; if I saw the dude on the street I wouldn’t be all that scared of his scars (and then Jeff Richmond would probably explain to me how he got them). The sets, however, were indeed pretty nice.

Also, I found it interesting how much liberty they took with the story. While I tend to prefer the versions that are just sort of inspired by the story (i.e. Argento’s Opera, and the chees-o 80s movie Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge) rather than faithful to the novel, some of the changes here seem rather random and pointless. For example, the Phantom’s name is not Erik or Eric, but someone named Petrie (first name never given, though it starts with L, which cannot be any variation of Eric that I’ve ever heard of), and rather than actually murder anyone himself, it is all done at the hands of a dwarf. Also, while the sewer abode does make an appearance, the finale takes place during the opera itself, when the dwarf is wreaking havoc and the Phantom plays hero, pushing Christine (the only name they kept) out of the way of the requisite falling chandelier. Hell, they don’t even do “Faust”, but instead a rather entertaining (and English language) version of the Joan of Arc story. I’m all for putting your own stamp on things, but a lot of these changes just seem there for the hell of it rather than any sort of narrative reason.

They also have a human villain character (played by future Alfred Michael Gough), who was stealing the Phantom's music and passing it off as his own. This is fine, but it goes nowhere. Maybe the censors had something to do with it, but the guy never gets his comeuppance! He just runs away. It's like Dragonheart, when Dennis Quaid swears to kill every dragon, and yet befriends the only one he actually had a problem with after he's killed countless others who never bothered him.

Still, had you never read the novel or seen any other versions, you can do a lot worse (such as Schumacher’s version of the musical, or Argento’s abysmal Julian Sands entry), and if nothing else, it’s not all that long either (I think even the Lon Chaney one is longer). Herbert Lom is a great Phantom, and the lavish color and production design provides enough eye candy to keep you entertained. It’s a bit light on the horror element, which is surprising, but it’s actually not as crippling as it could have been. And the source of not-Erik’s scars is possibly my favorite backstory yet – he threw what he thought was water onto a fire, but it turns out that it was actually nitric acid. Yeah, because nitric acid always comes in 20 oz. plastic bottles. Some professor.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari (1920)

DECEMBER 10, 2008

GENRE: CLASSIC, PSYCHOLOGICAL
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 4!!!)

Silent movies are not my friend. In addition to the obvious increase in how much time I spend on sleep-inducing reading, I also can’t get away with the “resting my eyes” approach, because there aren’t even sound effects or tone of voice to get the jist of a scene (though, come on, how long am I actually awake after my eyes first close?). And even when I’m wide awake, I can’t let my eyes wander, because I won’t “hear” the dialogue. So it should come as no surprise that despite its standing as one of the most important horror films of all time, The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari was never high on my to-do list.

But it’s not just my sleepiness; I was also afraid that having already seen the past 90 years of horror movies that owe their existence (albeit in a Kevin Bacon-y way) to the film, I wouldn’t enjoy it all that much anyway. The ending has been long since spoiled, and the set design – the film’s most lasting contribution – would probably not be as impressive anymore. It’s one thing to try to watch an original when you’ve already seen the remake and try to undo your memories, but in this case, we’re talking about trying to forget EVERY HORROR MOVIE EVER in order to fully appreciate its contribution to the genre.

That said, I still enjoyed it. The sets may not be as “Wow!”-y anymore, but they ARE still impressive, and I would find myself paying more attention to the background than the foreground (i.e. the actors) every few minutes. I just wish half the movie wasn’t filmed in “Closed Iris O-Vision” so that I could actually see some of them in their entirety. And even though I knew the conclusion, the actual meat of the story was largely unknown to me (right down to the vocabulary – I had to look up “somnambulist”), so I remained engaged despite knowing that it was all in the guy’s imagination. And the scene where Cesare goes after the girl in her sleep is pretty goddamn creepy, if I do say so myself.

I also love the “Cesare” dummy that makes an appearance in the 3rd act, because I actually wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be a dummy or a corpse at first. Then a guy begins tossing it around the set, which pretty much gave me the answer. But hey, it’s a pretty good looking dummy!

I was also tickled to be reminded at how goddamn slow people used to read. A card reading “Case histories and notes” stays up for a good 10-15 seconds, which is more time than I need to individually say each letter in the phrase. But at least I could read that one; a few minutes later (or before, I forget. Same reel at any rate) there’s this:

There have been a few low-budget remakes and modernizations over the years, but no big Hollywood production. Given the film’s reputation for its impressive sets and twist ending, I find this kind of surprising. Surely the Saw guys could have some fun with the concept (say what you will about Repo – the set design, by the same team from Saw, is fucking amazing, which is even more impressive when you consider the film’s budget was lower than the last 2 Saw sequels). And the furor over such a proposed remake would be more entertaining than either film, so it’s win across the board!

I wish I could have loved the movie, but it’s just too hard to forget everything that has followed its lead. It’s a shame, but that’s just how it is. I still enjoyed it and would love to watch a special edition’s features (not to mention a better print than Mill Creek offered), however it won’t be dethroning anything on my top 10 list. Sorry, purists and “everything new sucks” types! I will say this though, to all readers who have recently had children – when they get old enough and want to join you for your horror movie watching, make them watch the classics first!

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Manos: The Hands Of Fate (1966)

DECEMBER 9, 2008

GENRE: CULT, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 4!!!)

It’s a shame that MST3k went off the air during a horror drought, because it means that movies like Manos: The Hands Of Fate are considered the “worst they’ve ever done”. Call me crazy, but I’ve seen at least 2 movies in the past month that were far worse than this (including yesterday’s), and at least Manos has some valid excuses for its many, many shortcomings. And since these shitty movies are seemingly made for the ultra-cheap Lionsgate to buy for pennies, it’s pretty likely that many of them would end up on the show (MSTs producers had to pay for the movies they showed, which is why you’ve never heard of 90% of the episodes’ targets - they couldn't afford big time stinkers). With Mike and the other guys apparently only focusing on big blockbuster movies for their Rifftrax site (the “most recent Riffs” list on the site just looks like BoxOfficeMojo’s “all time” chart), movies like Manos will unfairly be known forever as the worst, while the Michael Feifers of the world go unpunished for their far worse movies.

Not that Manos needs to be defended, good Lord no. It’s slow, it’s seemingly edited by a blind fetus, it makes little sense, and its low budget shows at every corner (such as the rather slim number of folks doing the dubbing). But director Harold P. Warren has an excuse – he made the movie on a bet, and the money he pooled together wasn’t enough to use a camera with a sync sound system or actual actors. A movie like Leprechaun in the Hood has name actors and probably a reasonable budget – what’s its excuse for being just as terrible?

And to give credit where due, some of the dubbing is actually pretty good. Particularly the wives and the Master – it sounds/looks pretty reasonable on more than a couple occasions, even if it’s all the same two or three voices. I actually forgot it was entirely dubbed at times, so there’s something.

It’s the editing that kills this movie more than anything else. I guess it was already too short to lose anything, but come on – after the Master is killed (?) in the most abrupt finale in movie history, we watch yet another endless driving scene, drawing out the inevitable conclusion. Well, inevitable in that the Master is alive and our heroes are now under his control, not inevitable in that the little girl is apparently one of the Master’s many wives now. Ew. Then there’s when the cop asks “What couple?” and the answer comes about 20 seconds later. Delayed reactions, thy name is Hands: The Hands of Fate.

A very special cameo.

But my favorite “OK, you can cut now” moment has to be when Torgo ties the hero to a tree. It goes on for about two whole minutes, which is all the more hilarious when you realize that the camera could only film 32 seconds at a time, which means that Warren had to have instructed himself (as the hero, natch) and John Reynolds (Torgo) to stay put while the camera started up again, so he could continue showing this entirely unnecessary action. It goes so long that the score song actually ends, and another starts up before it finally cuts away a few seconds later.

Speaking of Reynolds, it’s sort of common knowledge that he committed suicide a few months after the film was released, but the reasons why are less clear. Many will say that it’s embarrassment over being in this film, but all we know for sure is that the device that he wore on his legs left him in tremendous pain, and he became depressed and addicted to painkillers as a result. So I’m sure that the suicide was caused by a mix of being depressed over being in so much pain, and also the closed time loop knowledge that his problems would be forever mocked by film fans who assume he ended his life because he was apparently the only guy to ever appear in a terrible movie. Rumors of some other cast member suicides are common, but they appear to be just that, though it’s understandably hard to get any concrete info on their whereabouts; almost no one involved with the film has a single other credit to their name. All I can say is: if starring in a really awful movie is enough to kill yourself, then the producers of Gossip Girl should keep a close eye on Leighton “Drive Thru” Meester.

The Mill Creek transfer is, unsurprisingly, terrible. It seems to have been taken from a dubbed VHS tape copy of a bad film print, resulting in any number of bizarre artifacts (note how the image keeps skipping/freezing, but the audio itself is uninterrupted). I am sure there is some sort of wise-ass-y “Worst Movie Ever Made Special Edition” DVD with a decent transfer (the MST3k version, which I’ve only seen part of due to the fact that I don’t care much for Joel, is noticeably cleaner), but I don’t need a bunch of assholes laughing at how terrible it is. I’ve said it a million times, or thirteen, and I’ll say it again: I’ll take ineptitude over soullessness any day of the week. And if Manos is legitimately the worst movie you’ve ever seen, well... consider yourself lucky.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Butcher (2006)

DECEMBER 8, 2008

GENRE: BREAKDOWN, CRAP, SURVIVAL
SOURCE: CABLE (FEARNET)

Anyone who claims Ed Wood and/or Uwe Boll are the worst filmmakers of all time have clearly never suffered through the works of Michael Feifer. Boll and Wood’s films may be problematic at best (though a few of Boll’s, such as Postal, are actually quite good IMO), but at least they entertain, and are made by people who genuinely care about film and filmmaking. But there is never even an iota of evidence of that being the case with Feifer’s movies such as The Butcher (which he only produced this time around), which are seemingly made on an assembly line.

Like The Graveyard, we have yet another group of unlikable “heroes” facing off against a killer in the middle of the woods. Except this time it’s more of a survival horror than a slasher, since Feifer and encoring screenwriter Michael Hurst are ripping off Wrong Turn and Texas Chainsaw Massacre instead of I Know What You Did Last Summer and Friday the 13th. However, to be fair, they go right ahead and rip off The People Under The Stairs during the 3rd act, an inspired choice of blatant thievery.

The problem with this movie is that it has no aspirations. There is absolutely nothing in the movie that would suggest that the film was actually born out of anyone’s imagination or desire to tell a particular story, or even pay homage to earlier classics a la Last House In The Woods. Everything is by the numbers and mind-numbingly boring, without a single good line or standout performance to save it. The directing style (of soft-core porn director Edward Gorsuch) amounts to simply placing the camera in a position where it can see whoever is talking, the killer is as dull as the kids he’s stalking, and the backstory is tossed in out of nowhere during the finale when our Final Kids are confronting the guy.

I mean, you take a real piece of shit like Drive Thru or Dark Ride, and as terrible as they may be, you can actually sort of see the genesis of an idea in there. “How about a killer at McDonalds?” is at least SOMETHING. And Dark Ride, if nothing else, had a great location. But what the hell could be the one liner for this shit? “How about some kids are going on a road trip, and they take a shortcut, right? But they break down and get chased by a redneck around yet another goddamn dilapidated house in the middle of nowhere!” Yeah, pal, you’re on to something. I am sure that, once again for Feifer, he simply had a location and decided to make a movie there, as quickly and cheaply as possible. My biggest fear with the current real estate crisis is that there will be a lot of properties being bought up cheap by this tool, which will just translate into more godawful movies that I inadvertently watch.

Well, thanks to Feifer, I am going to start being a bit more selective when it comes to what I watch. I’m sick of writing the same review over and over, and watching movies that are so devoid of personality that I can’t even think of a single specific scene or moment in the film to point out. It would be impossible to stick to theatrical releases, so I can’t reign myself in too much, but I will no longer be watching any direct to video films that I’ve never heard of, and I will TRY to limit the number of obscure budget pack films as well (dipping into those is not always avoidable). The whole point of HMAD is to engage in a dialogue about these movies, and with shit like this, no one ever comments anyway, because you’re all a lot smarter than me and never bothered to watch it. If I hear really good things about one, or it’s part of a franchise, then fine, but as far as “obscure for a reason” shit like this goes: NO MORE.

Which means, unless it’s 11:55 PM and I have yet to watch a movie, I don’t think I’ll be tuning into Fearnet anymore.

I will also be memorizing the entire filmography of Feifer so I can ensure I never again suffer the indignity of spending 90 minutes of my day trying to find enjoyment in one of his soulless pieces of shit.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Phase IV (1974)

DECEMBER 7, 2008

GENRE: POST-APOCALYPTIC
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)

If you ask me, some movies just aren’t suited for midnight. While not a bad film, Phase IV just doesn’t work when you’re already a bit tired. I need something with a lot of action, or a lot of goofy moments, or something I’ve seen enough to be able to doze off for a few minutes without being “lost” when I wake up. Over The Top, for example, is the perfect midnight movie – it’s ridiculous, it has a really annoying kid to laugh at, and plenty of big rock songs and truck driving footage to keep you from heading off to sleepytown.

The obscure Phase IV, on the other hand, is a terrible choice for me. It’s a killer ant movie, but they are normal sized ants, which means no goofy effects. And there’s only like 3 people in the entire movie, so they don’t do a heck of a lot of killing until the final 10 minutes. And instead of rock songs, you get Brian Eno-y moody electronic stuff. Needless to say, I was “resting my eyes” a bit more than I liked (even my wife was dozing off, and she NEVER falls asleep at the movies), but I was able to catch up thanks to MST3k, as it was one of the movies featured on the very first season of the show, which aired on a Minnesota based public access channel.

But it’s not a bad movie. You gotta admire the idea of making an artsy movie about mankind’s perceived dominance and setting it during a Chosen Survivors style end of the world story. And adding killer ants. It’s very talky and slow, but it’s strangely alluring too, in the same way that The Keep and 2001 are. And damned if the ant footage (which is pretty goddamn incredible at times – the movie may work better as a documentary) doesn’t contain some excitement, like when an ant tries to bring poison to the queen (I guess if she eats it she will be immune, or something). He gets it to a certain point and then dies from the poison, so another ant comes along gets it a bit further before it dies as well. This continues until the ants get it to the queen. Awesome. Also, the ants somehow make some solar panels that bake the scientists inside their lab.

As you may not have cared, the movie stars Michael Murphy, who is rather Tom Jane-y here. He’s a guy I like to see in movies, but rarely actually do. Interestingly enough (to me anyway) he is given 2nd billing behind Nigel Davenport, despite the fact that he has way more screen time. Murphy would take his revenge 15 years later though, taking top billing in Shocker over (actual star) Peter Berg. He narrates a lot of the movie, and some of his stuff is baffling (the ending is woefully underexplained), but he’s a nice sane balance to Davenport’s rather batshit fellow scientist. I like the bit where he figures out a way to determine the anthills' (giant anthills!) weakness – he bounces every sound in the world at the structure, and only one is absorbed instead of bouncing back. Cool idea, even if a bit bullshit (I guarantee his sound database did not include the sound of me gargling mouth wash).

Most surprising about the movie is that it was directed by Saul Bass, who is best known for creating kick ass title sequences (this was his only feature length directorial gig). Even more surprising, the movie doesn’t even HAVE opening credits, and the ones at the end are rather minimal. Speaking of credits – when the hell does Phase III start in the movie? I missed it both times.

So if you can catch it on cable or whatever, by all means check it out. It’s a nice little curio. But at midnight? Absolutely not. Call me when they are showing Road House.

(Road House will show on February 28th)

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Blame (2006)

DECEMBER 6, 2008

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

My 3rd Spanish language movie in a row! Lo siento to all of my racist and/or illiterate readers.

Blame (Spanish: La Culpa) is a movie that only works as a horror movie if you TELL people it’s a horror movie. Nothing of the sort happens until the final 5 minutes, and even the minor things that seem taken from a horror movie are explained away almost instantly, lest you begin to think you’re watching a haunted house story or something.

For example, early on we see a door handle jiggle from the other side, as if someone was trying to escape a locked room. Is it a ghost? An imprisoned monster? Nope, it’s the neighbor (the door is shared, hotel-style, with the other side of the duplex), something we learn a few minutes later. The main character has an abortion, and then later her daughter begins carrying around a small box and won’t show anyone what’s inside of it. Could it be the aborted fetus? Nope, it’s a picture of a mother with a baby. Total “could it be...?” screentime? Four minutes. Like Spectre (which is on the other side of the disc), it’s hardly a traditional horror movie, but that is actually what makes it more suspenseful. You know SOMETHING “scary” is going to happen, but the script makes us patiently wait for it, which is unnerving in a way. You could tell someone it’s a drama and they would have no trouble accepting it as such, at least until the very end when someone’s neck is slashed (the only traditionally “horror” moment in the entire movie).

Naturally, this means that the film has received “Worst movie ever” style comments on the IMDuhb, including one guy who says that nothing in the movie is resolved, which is interesting, because everything IS in fact resolved if you pay the fuck attention. I suppose there should be a Saw-style edit montage in which things you just saw are played under voice-over that is telling you something different this time so that it “makes sense”, but since morons would have turned the movie off long before the finale anyway due to the lack of gore and nudity, it would have been fruitless. In the end, you have more proof that if you want a horror film that is intelligent and story/character driven, you have to look outside “the greatest and bestest country God ever gave man”.

This is also the 3rd film in the past week that has dealt with abortion, which is not a very common topic in horror movies (or so I thought). Like Re-Cycle, there are some truly “ew” worthy “what happens to the unborn fetus” ideas going on here, so those of you who are disturbed by the concept should steer clear. I’m pro-choice (it’s MY body, dammit!), and even though both of these films seem to suggest the filmmakers feel the opposite way, I never felt I was being preached to, nor do they make it seem like pro-choicers are villainous in any way (note the genre tag before you argue that point with this particular movie). Which is good; while I am a staunch supporter of using a horror film to tackle a particular issue, it should never be construed as “propaganda, but with gore!”. Best to address a topic, but stay more or less neutral when it comes to choosing a side. Well, for this particular topic anyway. Others it’s OK to be a bit biased; I’m not really interested in hearing Hitler’s side in a Nazi zombie movie.

Like Spectre, the only extra is a brief making of in which people’s faces are blurred out for some reason. You won’t learn much beyond the fact that director Narciso Ibáñez Serrador likes cigars and that the Spanish for casting is “casting”, but since the movie is only 70 minutes long, you might as well turn the making of on for the additional 15 it offers, get your money’s worth.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul (1964)

DECEMBER 5, 2008

GENRE: HERO KILLER, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

A few weeks ago, a half dozen or so of us went to a friend’s for some drinks and general hanging out, and then around 2 AM someone decided to put on the newest Coffin Joe movie, Embodiment Of Evil (he had a screener copy). Being 2 AM, and me being half drunk and having to read bootleg subtitles, I promptly dozed off and saw maybe 12 combined minutes of the entire thing. But I saw enough to know that I had to get around to seeing the other Coffin Joe films, starting with At Midnight I’ll Eat Your Soul (Brazil: À Meia-Noite Levarei Sua Alma).

Movies like this are the ones I meant to watch when I started doing Horror Movie A Day; friends would talk about them (2 of my friends actually have Coffin Joe inspired email addresses), but I had never seen them, and probably never would if not for my insistence on watching a new horror movie every day. I wish I could fill my week with more movies like that, not obscure DTV garbage no one gives a shit about. Oh well.

Anyway, I was surprised how simple this was, considering how baffled I was at the footage I saw of the newer film (even before I fell asleep, I didn’t have a clue as to what the hell was going on). It’s not exactly the most accessible movie ever made, but it moves from A to B in a coherent manner, the character’s motives and actions are understandable, etc. I was expecting Eraserhead levels of “What the fuck am I seeing?”, but instead I was actually wishing for a little more head-scratching. I like simple movies, but this one has almost no complications or subplots. Christ, the title is actually pretty much half the plot right there.

It wasn’t enough to deter my enjoyment though; it’s definitely a fun and odd little movie. I don’t know how anyone could watch a movie in which a guy threatens to kill someone because they tried to make him follow the rules of Good Friday (no meat) and then announces “I’ll eat meat today even if it’s human flesh!” and not be entertained. Although it did take me back to when I was forced to follow such traditions and would have to eat filet o fish sandwiches at McD’s on Friday during Lent (McD’s was a Friday tradition). But then that brought me back forward to a smarter me that saw the irony in that, and it all evened out.

I also loved a bit late in the movie when some of the townsfolk have begun to fear Coffin Joe and want him to get out of town. One genius figures the best way to do this is to approach him at the bar and get up in his face and make fun of him. Good idea, schmuck! A few minutes later, viewers are greeted to the most amazing ghost effect in the history of cinema. Director José Mojica Marins (who also plays Joe) couldn’t afford traditional special effects, so he simply glued some glitter onto the negative in an outline around the “ghost”. The result, of course, is ridiculous, but awesome. He sparkles!

The poor effects budget also affected the skull department.

Given the movie’s cult status and such, I was surprised at what a slimmed down DVD it was given. The transfer is non anamorphic (nor can it be zoomed, as the subtitles are too close to the bottom and thus would be cropped out), and the only extra is an interview with Marins, who reveals, among other things, that the long fingernails he displays in the movie are now part of his real life appearance. How does he scratch his balls? One thing I definitely would have liked is a piece on Joe's lasting legacy (I understand he's sort of a cult figure in Brazil, across all mediums). I’m sure there’s a better edition out there somewhere, and if not, the upcoming sequel will certainly result in a reissue.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Non Canon Review: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

DECEMBER 5, 2008

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)
LAST SEEN: 2004ish?

With the remake on the way (and seriously – if you don’t think it looks awesome, you can sod off!), I wanted to revisit all the old F13 movies, some of which I haven’t seen in years. Parts 3 and Final Chapter were already (non canon) reviewed thanks to revival screenings, and with 1 and 2 due to be re-released in special editions (1 will be uncut, and on Blu-ray!), I figured I would start with Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning and go in order up until Freddy vs Jason (ugh), then go back for the first 2 when they come out in a few weeks. Makes sense, no? No.

Anyway, V was one of the first ones I saw as a kid, so the whole “it’s not really Jason” thing didn’t really bug me all that much. I had only seen part 4, so as far as I could tell, maybe every movie had a different guy in the mask. I remember being more annoyed that Corey Feldman was only in the first scene, before being replaced by a mute guy who looked a lot older than 15. But otherwise, it offered boobs, lots of deaths (this one has the highest body count* of all the Friday the 13th** movies), a kid to “identify with”, more boobs, and what was one of my favorite kills in the series (and remained so for a while – the guy driving the motorcycle straight into Jason’s waiting machete). Being, what, 7? I didn’t really put more thought into my critiques of a movie.

Then when I watched them all again around 1998, I hated it. Other than VII (which I never liked and never WILL like), it was my least favorite. The reason was simple – it was a really lazy entry, often being exactly what ignorant critics would accuse the films of being. Nearly half of the body count stems from characters who were introduced literally moments before their death (the two punk kids, the waitress, Reggie’s brother and his girlfriend, etc), not to mention the inanely introduced drifter guy, who I guess we are supposed to think is a suspect but gets killed in his second scene.

On that note, I don’t even know why there would be a need for red herrings: A. we are never given any indication that it’s anyone BUT the real Jason doing the killings, and B. even if you knew the real Jason was dead and buried, why would you suspect anyone BUT Roy the ambulance driver, who is so obviously the killer it’s almost amazing that the guy went out of his way to put on a bald-head appliance to sell his Jason “look” (but yet donned a mask with some ridiculous blue stripes – worst mask in the series!***). Also – if they wanted it to be a mystery, why is the most likely suspect – Vic the psycho wood cutter – never spoken of again in the movie? And why doesn’t Roy kill him, the only one he should actually have a beef with???

And it didn’t help that the film was sandwiched between 2 of the series’ best entries (almost any fan would have Final Chapter and/or Jason Lives in the upper part of the requisite “best to worst” list****). Then again, like (fellow Paramount franchise) Star Trek, it seems that the even numbered films are always better than the odd numbered ones (and yes, I consider Takes Manhattan to be better than New Blood at least, but that’s another review), so I guess it shouldn’t be much of a surprise. I appreciated that they were trying to move beyond the summer camp setting by having it in a mental institute (Pinehurst, in an early incarnation before Father Petrelli took over), but after about 20 minutes that whole concept seems forgotten, since the doctor is gone and the “hospital” is still just another cabin in the woods.

So now, in 2008, how do I feel? I like it a lot more than I did last time, and I have the New Bev to thank. With Brian and Eric’ Grindhouse nights, and Phil’s increasingly prolific Saturday Midnight screenings, I have a much deeper appreciation for the attitude that this film has. In fact, I would rather watch this one at the Bev than even 2 or 6, which are superior films but wouldn’t be as fun to see with my 300 fellow Bev-pals. It almost feels like an exploitation film at times (not much of a surprise; director Danny Steinmann’s previous film was Savage Streets), something I enjoy much more now than I did 10 years ago. There’s a LOT of dialogue, character actions, and even entire scenes that seem lifted out of the type of schlock-y crap I laugh at on a bi-weekly basis down at the Bev: the horny hospital worker who sings an ode to cocaine, the waitress who shows herself her own tits for no reason, the drifter guy (who is under the employ of a pair of rednecks straight out of Mother’s Day)... they all seem teleported in from a Cameron Mitchell movie. Even Tommy, our alleged hero, is a mute jerk who isn’t satisfied with just punching a guy who pulls a prank on him. No, he picks the guy up and flips him over before pummeling him into oblivion, a move I suspect he learned at the Burbank Karate Club.

And the dialogue! Oh my. My favorite line in a movie, ever, has to be the head counselor’s solemn eulogy concerning Joey, who was viciously axed to death by a fellow patient a few hours before: “Look, I know how you all feel. This thing is not easy, for any of us. So let’s just have breakfast.” Then there’s the odd line at the end about Roy “keeping it a secret for all these years.” (which is about the closest we get to character development for the guy). And who can forget Miguel A. Nunez Jr’s lament over his excessive enchilada consumption?

That said, it’s still far from perfect. I don’t like any of the kids (the only time in the series where that was the case, there is usually at least one who I don’t want to see offed, but not here), and Tommy is just annoying. Plus, the low budget seems to be a handicap for once; this movie has the most goofs and cheap-o film shortcuts of the entire series. Like at the end, when Reggie is driving the tractor: he has a hood on, but when they go to a longshot, the hood is covering his entire face in order to hide the real actor that was driving. And while some of the deaths are cool, none have any of the great prosthetic and appliance work of the previous films.

But the biggest half-assery is saved for the end, during the traditional hospital scene (which includes a gorgeous nurse – who is she?!?!?). The cop shows up with some newspaper clippings that Roy was carrying around with him, concerning Jason. Thanks to upscaled images and a much bigger TV than I had before, I noticed that the articles had absolutely nothing to do with Jason at all beyond the headline (it’s just vague jibberish). They obviously had to make the prop, but they couldn’t take 10 seconds to write “Mass murderer Jason Voorhees got half his goddamn head hacked off by a 10 year old boy who then went crazy; his mother is still missing” or something?

And who the hell took that photo?

But in a way, that’s also part of the charm, and more of a reason to see it in a theater so it can be laughed and cheered at by a crowd of drunks such as myself. I don’t think more than 2-3 minutes ever goes by in the film without something else that would make me howl. And even if not, the body count is so high that you’re never more than 5 minutes away from another random death.

Like most of the movies on Paramount’s half-assed insult of a box set, there are no extras whatsoever for the film. While not as drastic as VII or VIII, the MPAA was obviously pretty harsh on this one at times, but none of that is restored, nor is there any sort of commentary or retrospective. Luckily, we have two books on the franchise, though Peter Bracke’s "Crystal Lake Memories" is the only one you need. The other, while cheaper, is biased and poorly researched, and each subsequent sequel gets less and less coverage; the chapters on the last four films combined take up less book space than the entry for the first film. Still, it would have been nice to have some sort of visual element for each film. Hopefully, the remake will be a hit (as long as it’s as good as it looks), and the re-releases of the first three films will sell enough to warrant re-issues of the other Paramount entries (the New Line ones are all special editions already).

What say you?

*Not counting all the anonymous folks who must have drowned in VIII when the boat sank.
**That would be parts I through VIII. The “Jason ____” movies, from New Line, all had high body counts to try to hide the fact that they suck.
***Trivia – Jason was mostly played by Tom Morga in this film. He also played Myers in Halloween 4 for a great deal of the time, and the mask in THAT film is considered the worst in the series as well. Poor Morga.
**** As of this writing: 6, 4, 2, 1, 3, 5, 8, 7, X, Hell, FVJ. Might change after I revisit them all over the next couple weeks. Also, 3 is only better than 5 when viewed in 3D.

PLEASE, GO ON...