AUGUST 19, 2007
And so it has come to this, an Argento film in the Crap genre. I tried really hard to think of a reason why Phantom Of The Opera should be kept out of it, but it really offers nothing more interesting or entertaining than the sight of Warlock fucking Asia Argento from behind. And I am sure there’s another movie that features the same.
It’s borderline depressing that Argento, arguably one of the greatest horror filmmakers of all time with unparalleled ability for creating memorable images and setpieces, couldn’t even make the chandelier sequence interesting. The best murder in the film is when a midget rat catcher gets randomly beheaded (in a scene that is an obvious allusion to Silent Night Deadly Night and Friday the 13th Part 5), a character who isn’t even in the original story that I can recall. Which isn’t much of a surprise; I’ve said before I don’t like the Phantom story anyway, and it seems the further they get from the source material (Phantom of the Mall, or Argento’s own Opera) the better.
But even if the story remained in any way compelling after some 30448560856 versions, everything seems lazy here. The dubbing on the first scene of Asia singing is atrocious (it’s not even in English anyway so why not just use her voice?), the makeup effects are week (this Phantom doesn’t even have a facial scar)… even the goddamn opening titles look like they’re photoshop files with poorly matted out backgrounds. Hell, the character of Raoul disappears for so long I actually forgot who the hell he was when he finally showed up again.
The main problem is everyone except Asia and Julian Sands has apparently stepped in from the musical version (stage or Schumacher, your pick) of the story, acting broad and gestating wildly, while Asia just does her “I’m hot and everyone wants to either fuck me or kill me or both” shtick she always does, and Sands channels Fabio. And the rat catcher guys are seemingly inserted from Delicatessen or City of Lost Children.
Christ, what a fucking mess. I’m not even going to bother with the extras.
What say you?