MAY 29, 2007
At long last, I can bring closure to the part of my life that felt empty by not knowing how the I Know What You Did Last Summer series turned out.
Who the fuck asked for I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer? The first one was a hit, but isn’t really fondly remembered by anyone. I recall attempting to watch it 2 years ago and being bored out of my goddamn mind. But, unlike many slasher films of the past ten years, the film had a relatively low body count and most of the characters were actually well developed (I was actually sort of sad when SMG’s character died, and that entire sequence is pretty top-notch), so I have some mild appreciation for it. However, the end of the film is a total cheat and complete bullshit. You can’t have a whodunit and not actually introduce the fucking killer until the reveal! Assholes.
The 2nd film was universally hated by all, and rightfully so. It’s complete shit. It was one of the first DVDs I bought (a blind buy) along with the Carnival of Souls remake (also blind buy), and I returned them both, vowing never to blind buy again (a vow I continued to hold for close to a week, when I bought Pi, a film I still haven’t watched! EIGHT YEARS LATER!).
So needless to say, a 3rd film wasn’t high on my priorities. But since the last few films I watched have been quite good, I rented it in order to restore balance. Sadly, it wasn’t horrible. It certainly wasn’t GOOD, but its miles ahead of the last one and there are shades of actual talent to be seen (or heard – the score is quite good, if basically stolen from Explosions in the Sky) here and there.
Things started off promisingly, with the Destination Films logo. I thought they had gone the way of Savoy and Largo! Hurrah!! But it quickly went downhill once we meet our male lead, the sadly named Colby. This guy is the worst actor I’ve seen in ages (not to mention has one of the worst lines in recent memory: “He’s like Jack the Ripper only he never got caught!” Oh for the love of…). Not that I expect anything from a DTV 2nd sequel to a bad film, but come on. Actually, on the subject of the actors – whoever cast this thing was clearly following a guidebook handed out by the makers of The OC – We have a blonde ‘hunk’, a sort of ‘cool’ dork, a hot brunette, and a vapid dirty blonde haired girl. Great. If anything, I would LOVE to see the four of those douchebags (especially Adam Brody) get diced by a guy with a hook, but getting their 2nd rate clones doesn’t quite fit the bill.
From then on it’s more or less OK though. Had the editor not been a fucking douche obsessed with Avid farts, the film could almost be considered “good”. The DP has got a great eye and the overall look of the film is pretty impressive (again, considering what we are dealing with here), and pulls off some really nice compositions. But the editor fucks them all up with his idiotic jumpcuts and superimposed images. I’d usually blame/praise the director, but since he’s a guy who will apparently direct whatever he’s offered (his next film was Stomp the Yard) I’ll just ignore him entirely.
UPDATE - I watched the commentary and he actually takes credit for the avid farts. According to him, they "emphasize the angst and panic" of the characters. Well, fine, but no, they don't. He also talks like he invented horror movie clichés, saying things like "See, what I did here was let the audience think everything was OK, and THEN I bring out the danger." Wow! If only the directors of every goddamn horror movie ever made hadn't thought of that first, you might be some sort of visionary! Fucking tool.
The only other major problem with the film is its idiotic conclusion. Clearly the writer has some clever ideas (I loved the bit with the note the main girl gets), but, much like the first film, the ending is totally bullshit. Despite giving us like 10 red herring characters, the real killer is… the same guy from the first two! Except now he’s a zombie. What? Who the fuck thought that would be a good idea? And not just any zombie – he’s the type that can take like 10 shotgun rounds without flinching but yet a hook in his foot makes him pause and howl. And much like The Burning, if his identity isn’t an issue, why does he wear a mask? Answer: to mislead the audience. It benefits no one in the context of the film, it only serves to keep the people at home guessing. Sort of like The Village, where they only talked like they were in the 18th century so as not to spoil the “surprise”. Well fuck you. There are also some other script issues that bugged me, such as early on when they are in the ‘it was an accident!” scene and someone says “Was it?” while they focus on another character. Ooh, did they intentionally kill the kid for some reason? Were they ex-lovers? Or ex-Nazis? Or anything???? Well who knows, they never address the issue again. But maybe the mongoloid who edited the film removed those scenes because he couldn’t figure out a way to superimpose images of ski lifts during them.
And not that I am sticking up for I Still Know… but when they look at a newspaper article about the events of that film, the headline reads “FOUR TEENAGERS KILLED”. A lot more than four people died in that movie, and many of them (Jeff Combs, Jennifer Esposito, Bill Cobb) were adults. Let’s stick to the facts (however idiotic they may be), people.
In closing, I would like to say that if you plan to watch this film because you think the girl on the left side of the cover is hot, don’t bother. She’s not in it. There are only two females of note in the film (and they are also on the cover). Weird. And in another DVD oddity (though one I rather like): When you stop the DVD, rather than see a blank screen or the DVD player's screensaver, the name of the film appears. I like that! Sometimes I hit stop on a DVD and don't come back for days, and then I'm all "What the hell was I watching? I don't want to hit play to find out!"
What say you?