Pulse (2006)

APRIL 22, 2007


Pulse is the type of movie that is less a movie and more just a collection of scenes.

Pulse is the type of movie that makes you wonder why anyone bothered making it at all, let alone releasing it to theaters. In typical Dimension fashion, both the character and plot scenes have been edited out to keep the movie “fun”, yet all of the death scenes were also trimmed of anything worth seeing to keep it PG-13. So what’s left? Nothing. Garbage. Even the kids didn’t bother, despite coming out in the summer. It’s pretty sad when even a 14 year old girl looks at a trailer for a horror movie with TV people (and even an R&B singer) and says “nah”.

Pulse is the type of movie where someone meets someone else under strange circumstances and yet they are best friends in about one day’s time. Veronica Mars meets Boone because he bought her ex’s computer, and they are antagonistic toward each other. Yet the next day, after they meet again in a more civil manner, he’s the first person she calls when her friend disappears (and hilariously, he actually seems to know who the hell she’s talking about). And he’s determined to save her, a total stranger, and never seems concerned about his own friends and family.

Pulse is the type of movie that would introduce a seemingly benign form of protection (like garlic with vampires, or sodium with horrors of party beaches) and never bother really using it for anything. Here, red duct tape is the key to saving yourself. And with the exception of one character who uses it on every inch of his apartment, it’s never really utilized (as for an explanation – look elsewhere. This IS a Dimension movie). And in the film’s stupidest moment, one character goes about sealing his doors and windows with it, only to run out with about 6 inches of doorframe unsealed. So you think, “Oh shit, after all that it’s gonna get through the 6 inches of doorframe!” Nope. The fucking idiot REMOVES TAPE FROM A SEALED AREA AND LOOKS OUTSIDE. Then gets killed. What???? Why bother having him use the tape at all???

Pulse is the type of movie that knows it doesn’t make any goddamn sense, so they don’t even bother writing a climax, resulting in possibly the most half-assed lazy piece of shit ending in cinematic history. They don’t stop the ghost/monster/whatever the fucks they are, even though Boone uploads a virus that supposedly will stop them (I guess if that worked, then one scene would lead logically to the next, and thus the idea would not have fit in the grand scheme of things that is Pulse). No, instead they just go to Nebraska or some other wasteland where there’s no cell phone service. The climax is literally close-ups of a cell phone losing signal bars. The end. I’ve shut off movies halfway thru the first act that had better resolutions.

Pulse is the type of movie that would have Brad Dourif show up for one scene, spouting crazy talk, and then vanishing. How does he know what’s going on? Is he a part of it? And throughout the movie, we are told about some guy named Zegler or something who can help. Could it be Dourif???

Nope. He’s… some guy. Dourif never returns.

Look, if you have a character you keep mentioning but never seeing, and then you finally see him, he damn well better be some kickass character actor or at least SOMEONE you can say “oh cool, him.” Instead it’s just some no-name douche. They did the same thing in Snakes on a Plane. They kept mentioning some legendary snake expert guy, and you’re expecting like Christopher Walken, but it's no one. It’s the casting equivalent of blue balls.

Pulse is the type of movie that is best watched when you are drunk. And deceased.

As for the DVD extras, I don’t know. I got the HD DVD (hey its garbage but it looks real nice) and didn’t have time to watch them, since I usually watch the extras at work (where, shockingly, I don’t have an HD DVD player laying around).

Wes Craven supposedly wrote some of this. If any of the resulting film is his, then he’s approaching modern John Carpenter levels of mediocrity. At this point, I’d rather he went back to torture movies, like Music of the Heart.

What say you?


  1. AHAHAH.
    I just bought it today for 2 bux to add to my horror collection. i LOVE this review, and when I finally sit down to watch it. I may just laff. We will see.

  2. I don't know why, but one of the only things that freaks me out well after watching anything scary is ghosts. I don't even really believe in ghosts, goblins and what not, but that's what spooks me for some reason.
    That being said, this was a waste of film. (Agreed it looked sharp)The only thing I found of value was one scene where a 'phantom chick' is floating towards one of the teens. She looks like she is floating underwater or something. It was visually creepy, but that is where the movie stops being anything but a PG-13 run of the mill crapfest.

  3. ooook. ive owned this movie for a while and just finally got to watch it.

    i found myself surprisingly NOT hating this movie. but yes..you are right in script writing, backstory, etc , and some useless shown things that i didnt quite make a notice while watching (red tape not used, etc)...

    but i guess after all the time of having this at butt end of jokes (forgetting sarah marshall, reading any review) this movie didnt fall into utter shit as i expected...

    IM JUST FREAKIN GLAD, its not a pissed off ghost who was done wrong and needs the person who they are haunting to help them and they will leave..i FUCKIN HATE those story lines and almost NEVER want to go with asian horror movies because of it.

    I was entertained with it.

  4. "Pulse is the type of movie that is best watched when you are drunk. And deceased."
    OH SNAP!

    I just watched this shit pile. My friend and I had a lot of fun making terrible technology puns and laughing at the possessed printer.

    We also thought Brad Dourif would show up at the end again. And that Riki Lindhome would have more to do after her 20 second laundromat scene. I wonder if there's some cut out there that makes more sense (and has more crazy Dourif).

    Also: It's really sad when a movie can't decide on an idea for the monster/ghost/whatever, so it just throws a bunch of random "scary" shit at you. Especially when none of it is original or scary.


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