Blood Angels (2004)

SEPTEMBER 26, 2008

GENRE: CRAP, VAMPIRE
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

I must hunt down and kill (or at least mock) whoever told me that Blood Angels (aka Thralls) was a lesbian vampire movie. Because not only are there absolutely NO lesbian scenes in the entire film, there is hardly any straight sex either. Titanic had more nudity, for Christ's sake (and felt shorter than this interminable bore). Why bother having a movie about a team of slutty vampire women and then not bother having them fuck anyone?

Worse, none of them can act, which makes the lack of skin even more baffling. It's like, if you need women to bare their bodies for a film, you take the ones who would be willing to do it, regardless of acting ability. But if they are NOT required to do any such thing, then why cast these vacuums of screen presence? These broads can't seriously be the pick of the litter, right? If so, how bad were the girls director Ron Oliver actually turned down?

But even if I had cast this film (for the record, that would be Rachel Nichols, Sophia Bush, Michelle Monaghan, Amanda Righetti, and Evangeline Lilly, with Jordan Ladd as the random 6th girl who disappears from the film after a few minutes), it wouldn't improve matters. The real problem is the mind numbingly boring plot. Or the horrendous attempt at campy comedy. Or the CG that makes the fake vent in Doomed look good in comparison. Or the fact that no one told the writers that a nerdy Asian dude trying to pass himself off as "gangsta" hasn't been funny since the moment it was created, 10+ years ago. Take your pick.

Oh, and the fucking head vampire is Lorenzo Goddamn Lamas. Unless he's got a laser pointer in his hand, he's the least threatening (or interesting) "tough guy" actor of all time, yet for the movie to work we have to accept him as some sort of suave Dracula wannabe (he even has a Renfield, who is even more annoying). What, was Jeff Speakman unavailable? Mark Dascascos too expensive?

OK, let's just point out what is good. Shawn Roberts (from Diary of the Dead) is the only one in the cast who seems to be even trying, and he manages to exude some charm, despite the script's best efforts. And the fighting is more or less well-staged (as it should be, since a fight breaks out every 4-5 minutes in this movie), which is perhaps what the girls were really cast for:

"Will you do nudity?"
"No."
"Can you kick a guy?"
"Yes."
"OK, we'll rewrite. Welcome aboard!"

And, boring as it may be, I liked that the movie all took place in one location (a club), in one night, but it wasn't a siege/From Dusk Till Dawn type thing. It kept me from thinking about better movies the whole time. That's about it though. Otherwise, it's so bland I've already forgotten half of the movie (and I actually stayed awake for the whole thing!).

Here's something kind of interesting (much more so than anything in the movie anyway). When I hit "play movie" on the main menu, I was treated to a bunch of trailers, something that should be BEFORE the main menu (if at all), and the MPAA logo was missing all the usual text. "Wait, I've rented from this company before!" I thought, but couldn't remember what movie it was. Then later, when I opened up HMAD to post the review, I clicked on a random old review to read (which I do every now and then to look for mistakes, edit Amazon links if necessary, etc). The review was Satan's Little Helper, and that was the movie I was trying to think of! Weird, huh?

Again: that is much more interesting than anything in Blood Angels.

What say you?