The Pumpkin Karver

SEPTEMBER 22, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Someday, maybe by the time I die, or at least, boycott direct to video movies, I will learn to NEVER watch a movie just because it stars someone who I would like to know in the biblical sense. Dark Ride (Jamie Lyn Sigler), Abandon/Disturbing Behavior (pre-Cruise Katie Holmes), Drive Thru (Leighton Meester), Prey (Bridget Moynahan)... the only exception is of course, Sophia Bush, with the one-two punch of Stay Alive and The Hitcher, two films I sort of enjoy even when she isn’t onscreen.

Well now you can add The Pumpkin Karver to the former list, as not even the presence of Friday Night Lights’ (best show on TV that isn’t Lost) Minka Kelly was enough to even come close to saving this wretched piece of crap. I should note that she had an unfortunate dye job that made things worse; with her usual brunette locks I MIGHT have at least kept this out of the crap genre.

To get an idea of what a mess this thing is, it took me 5 minutes to decide what genre it was. Supernatural? Possession? Ghost? Psychological? All of these elements are thrown into the film at some point or other, but ultimately are tossed away and/or never explained. There’s a character who may or may not exist, a few scenes that may or may not have actually occurred, etc. For example, at one point the main kid is “attacked” by the killer, who turns out to be him. So one might assume the entire scene was a delusion, but he has cuts from the attack for the rest of the film.

The film also opens with the most idiotic “prank” of all time. It’s Halloween; the main kid’s sister is in the garage, and then the killer shows up. After thoroughly terrorizing her and throwing her around, she gets far enough away to call for help. The main kid comes to help, via stabbing the killer like 100 times. Then they discover it’s the girl’s boyfriend; the knife he has is fake. It’s one thing to pop up behind your girlfriend with a mask on and make a fake lunge, it’s another to literally throw her into a wall, trip her, etc. Not that it was funny in the first place, but at that point it’s just downright disturbing.

I must have muttered “...what?!?!?” about 40 times during this fucking movie.

The movie just gets more annoying from there. The fodder kids are among the most annoying in slasher movie history, making even Halloween 5’s crowd look good in comparison (“Satin?” “THEY’RE RACHELS!! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”), the kid who likes to carve pumpkins moves to a town called... Carver (why the film is spelled with a K is nobody’s business); the killer on the DVD cover does not resemble the killer in the movie; and again, my lady Minka has blonde hair (and an artist’s hat), plus she’s as annoying as everyone else.

Plus, even stupider than the film’s opening is the idea that the kid wouldn’t be confined to a mental home. He’s clearly off his rocker, plus he’s sort of a douche. Is it really a good idea to send him to a Halloween party in the middle of nowhere? Sort of like in Friday the 13th 5, where they assign "chopping wood" to the kid who's obviously the most violent of the bunch. And his sister is pretty much the most understanding person of all time, having zero anger or resentment toward this little bastard who killed her boyfriend right in front of her.

Besides the at times pretty good sound mix (there’s a nice surround effect during the aforementioned scene of the kid being confronted by the killer), the only enjoyment I got out of the entire film was when someone commented “I thought you were going to go as that creepy thing from Jeepers Creepers”, to which I immediately responded “Victor Salva?” and laughed heartily. So, I provided the best line in the movie myself. That’s not me being pompous, that’s the movie being shitty.

What say you?