Gamebox 1.0

MAY 6, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, TEEN, VIDEO GAME
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

Let us pray as a single unified nation that there is never a Gamebox 2.0. Or that anyone involved in writing, directing, producing, acting, or creating the effects is ever hired again.

I expect absolutely nothing out of any movie (horror or not, and, for the record, this movie is more 'not' than 'horror') involving video games. Whether they are adapting a video game, about a video game, or feature characters who work in the video game industry, they are almost all uniformly awful, with the notable exceptions of Silent Hill (which is a bad script elevated by the cinematography) and Stay Alive (which features Sophia Bush). In fact, Gamebox 1.0 is identical to Stay Alive at least as far as story goes (and yes, this one was made first, but they are both surface ripoffs of Brainscan, Arcade, and Tron so what the plu-perfect hell does it matter?), but botches everything it possibly can botch.

Let's list all the things that pissed me off while watching this pile of shit:

• The video game, which is supposed to be revolutionary, has the graphics of a PS1 launch title.
• The green-screen artist apparently fell asleep while doing the compositing, as the kids' heads are often missing ears, cheeks, etc.
  
• The lead guy is possibly the most unappealing actor in horror history, coming off like the wiseass who works the food counter at the movie theater more than anything approaching a cinematic lead
• The girl's name is Princess.
• There are bizarrely implemented sound effects from Halo running throughout the movie.
• There are no opening credits, save for the title and the director credit, which is an amazingly cocky (and lame) thing to do. Fuck you, directors (yeah, it took TWO people to pull this thing together), for assuming that people should know your names from the start and nobody else's.
• Like all video game movies, the game itself is fucking stupid, and no one would ever want to play it. Despite the fact that it's obviously ripping off great games (GTA/Halo/some zombie game), the game still manages to look 100% not worth your time.
• That kid from Dark Ride is in it. He's apparently the bane of my existence, since I hated this movie more than any movie I have seen since... you guessed it, Dark Ride.
• According to the end credits, there is at least THREE actors (out of maybe 10) named Patrick (including the hilariously named Patrick Kilpatrick).
• There's a trailer for Employee of the Month on the DVD, a film cast entirely with non-actors (which is the only thing it has in common with Gamebox)
  
• No one dies after the epilogue. In fact, I could write an entire article/review/thing about how this isn't even a horror movie, but since they are calling it one I am judging it based on that assumption.
  
• There is never even an attempt to explain where the game came from or why it was sent to him.
  
• The back-story tragedy (Stay Alive had one of these too, for the record) is possibly the dumbest I have ever seen. A cop shoots the guy's girlfriend after she commits the heinous crime of... well, nothing. They're just hanging out and the cop shoots her for no reason. Then we see news clippings about it and none of them are from Los Angeles (where the movie takes place) papers.
  
• It exists.

Fuck you, Gamebox 1.0. You give watching a new horror movie every day of your life a bad name.

What say you?