Curse Of The Crimson Altar (1968)

FEBRUARY 9, 2011

GENRE: CULT
SOURCE: NETFLIX (INSTANT)

Early on in Curse Of The Crimson Altar (called The Crimson Cult in the US, though the Netflix print has the Altar title), our hero goes to a party filled with mod chicks, lots of drugs, awful dancing... in other words, it looked like something out of an Austin Powers movie. And I sighed, because I was afraid the whole movie was going to be like that, and I really wasn’t in the mood. Luckily, the “groovy” elements were kept to a minimum after that, and I was able to enjoy this slightly slow but charming and offbeat “guy stumbles upon a cult” movie.

The coolest thing is (spoiler for 43 year old movie ahead!) that more characters are heroic than you’d expect. I’m used to these sort of movies ending with pretty much everyone being in on the cult and turning on the hero, so I was pleasantly surprised when Christopher Lee (obviously a villain – no surprise there) attacked our hero’s love interest, as I assumed there would be a “twist” where she turned out to be part of (or even the leader of) the cult. Especially because she was so open to his rather forward advances, not once but twice he more or less ignores her protests and macks on her (and on the second time, they go all the way). Seemed to me she was just playing the part, or maybe WAS starting to fall for him and then would have to choose at the end.... nope, she’s just a nice girl who believes in “No means Oh might as well”.

Well she’s not in on it, but surely Boris Karloff must be, right? Nope! He turns out to be the movie’s real hero – he realizes what Lee is up to and thus springs into action, saving our protagonist (Mark Eden) and the girl with the help of his mute bodyguard. What kind of non-villain has a mute bodyguard? This movie’s all about circumventing the clichés I have come to expect in these things. That or maybe the screenwriter just felt bad for his earlier, awful joke where Eden first walks around the big mansion where the cult has their HQ (in a secret room of course) and remarks that it looks like “something out of a horror movie” and also that he expects “Boris Karloff to walk out any minute”. Was that the first terrible meta joke in film history? Anyway, it was another groaner moment early on that momentarily convinced me that this movie would suck.

(Oh, and someone SHOULD feel bad – it was on this film, during a cold and rainy exterior shoot, that Karloff got pneumonia – he would only complete 2-3 more pictures before dying a year later.)

I do wish there was a little more, er, “horror” in the movie. Most of the action is confined to dream sequences (or ARE they?!?!) that the hero experiences, where he sees the cult doing their thing, led by Barbara Steele, who is painted up and dressed like a space alien you might see Captain Kirk trying (and succeeding) to nail. And Lee does most of his stuff off-screen; at one point he begins a scuffle with the hero and then there’s a fade to where he already has him tied to a chair. The rest of the movie is pretty much just Eden wandering around the house, finding clues that prove his brother WAS there despite Lee’s insistence that he wasn’t, and hitting on the girl. I was entertained, but even if I was a kid I wouldn’t find much to be scared about.

They also leave a few things unexplained, like: what the hell is with the fake cobwebs? Eden grabs at them, points out that they are fake, and then the matter is never mentioned again. Given the “Karloff” joke earlier in the movie, I wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be another meta-gag or what. It’s also unclear what Lee was actually trying to accomplish by kidnapping Eden (or the girl for that matter) – I assume it was some sort of sacrifice, but Eden was unconscious for a while, so why didn’t he just do it?

So I dunno, it’s nothing great, but kind of charming all the same. It’s nice to see a movie about a cult that apparently hasn’t been able to recruit the entire town, and Karloff, Lee, and Steele (not to mention a small turn by Michael Gough) are always welcome in my house. Final note - like every other 60s horror movie, it was loosely based on a Lovecraft tale (“Dreams In The Witch House”), but you’d never know it from watching it, as the similarities are incredibly thin (it’s one of the few HPL stories I’ve read!). Basically they both involve a guy in a house having dreams.

What say you?


PLEASE, GO ON...

Blu-Ray Review: I Spit On Your Grave (1978/2010)

FEBRUARY 9, 2011

GENRE: RAPE-REVENGE
SOURCE: BLU-RAY (OWN COLLECTION)

I watched the original I Spit On Your Grave sometime last summer, but didn’t review it. Partly because I was busy at the time (forget why) and didn’t have time to go through the extras on the Millennium DVD I owned, and partly because I really didn’t care much for the movie and thus didn’t have the interest (I watched it on a day I had already watched something else for HMAD). But to celebrate their remake, Anchor Bay has picked up the rights to the original and released it on Blu-ray, and I got them both to review, so here we go!

Well, as I mentioned in my review for the remake (from Frightfest), I prefer it to the original. One of the reasons I didn’t care for the 1978 version is because the bad guys were so damn cartoonish and stupid, I just lost all connection to the movie. Few would argue that it was a poorly paced and oddly structured film (why does she kill Johnny before the other two guys?), but for a movie that so graphically depicted a rape, it sure as hell wasn’t interested in having anything else be realistic. While any rapist can be easily categorized as a moron, having a guy grab onto a boat’s motor is just inane, borderline ZAZ level silliness. Their plan also made zero sense, waiting around outside and trusting Matthew, a dimwit who couldn’t even bring himself to rape her, to kill her in cold blood instead of doing it themselves (hell Johnny actually STOPS one guy from attacking her – if he wanted her dead why not just let the guy continue beating her to a pulp?). I suppose there’s some sort of idea here that all men are scum AND stupid, but it doesn’t really come across that way – it just feels like bad writing.

And, yes, it’s simply uncomfortable to watch at times, and at other times just plain sloppy. They rape this poor woman over and over, and when we’re not watching that (or her revenge), we’re watching endless shots of people walking around or staring off into space. Even the “action” scenes go on forever – count how many times we see a motorboat circling around someone in this movie. In short - Meir Zarchi’s editing of his own direction leaves much to be desired. And again, it’s probably the intent, to sort of lull us into some sort of complacency at times and then juxtapose it with ugliness, but I’m just not into that sort of thing unless there’s some sort of stylistic creativity to the story as well. Irreversible, for example, is just as uncomfortable, but there’s a mystery to the film and a real sock to the gut at the end that sort of turns the whole affair on its end, making you rethink what you just saw. Hell, even a film like Red, White and Blue, which I wasn’t a big fan of, at least had some great performances and again, a knockout ending that almost made up for the film’s shortcomings.

By contrast, the remake manages to improve on a lot of these areas simply by being a better made film. While it’s possibly counterproductive to make this story look “slick”, there’s no denying that by adding suspense, some actual production value, and even a slightly more complex story, the film is much easier to enjoy as a piece of entertainment, but without really sacrificing the ugliness of what happens to Jennifer. The rape scene is still very brutal and upsetting, and male audience members will still cringe at the scenes of her revenge (if not more so) in the 3rd act.

They also made up for one of the ‘issues’ with the first film – its tagline promised five men, but the movie only had four. Here we get a fifth (Andrew Howard), who like Johnny in the original has a family but unlike that one they actually play a part in the proceedings. The revenge sequence is also improved, so that the end of the film focuses on her getting back at the two most vile of the bunch, and using her more creative “traps” (she’s sort of a Jigsaw-esque trap-builder in this one) instead of just waving an axe around like Jennifer in the original. I also loved the performance of Sarah Butler here – she feels much more natural as both a “babe in the woods” and as a revenge-driven femme fatale than the original’s Camille Keaton, who sort of had a dazed, slightly “out of it” demeanor even before she arrived at the house. Butler really shows the effect that these events had on her, and thus it makes her revenge easier to cheer on, in a way. She also gets back at her attackers without disrobing and letting them fool around with her again, another issue with the original film that never made any damn sense to me.

Both discs come with a nice array of extras. The most essential is Joe Bob Briggs’ commentary track on the original, in which he (rightfully) dismisses the idea that the film glorifies rape and/or sides with the men in any way, taking some of its harshest critics (Siskel and Ebert in particular) to task for their inaccurate depiction of the movie (and as I myself was misread and made to look somewhat stupid by Ebert in his Last House remake review, it was pretty easy to side with Briggs on this “argument” – Ebert’s a legend but for some reason he never seems to “get” these kind of movies, or their defenders). But he also makes it fun, pointing out a few of the rather silly moments and having a grand old time mocking the Matthew character. I will admit his commentary actually made me appreciate the film a little bit more, which is more than I can say for Meir Zarchi, whose track is as dry as they come. Not only does he read everything from prepared notes, but he also spends too much time telling the story (and I mean STORY – it sounds like it came from a book) of the real life incident that inspired the making of the film, and he even reads the script at one point. Plus he reads reviews and other stuff, leaving almost no time to offer any insight on the film’s production, casting, etc. He does tell a few such anecdotes, but keep your remote handy to find them amidst all of the endless yammer that sounds more like one of those Tim Lucas commentaries on a Mario Bava DVD than a commentary by the guy who wrote and directed the movie.

New to this Blu-ray (the commentaries are carried over from the previous release) is a “29 minute” interview with Zarchi. I put that in quotes because the thing sports what has to be a record FOUR minutes of ugly titles rattling off the (few) names that worked on the piece. I mean, it’s a static shot of a guy in his house, cut in with some clips – hardly the most creative interview setup. Do we really need four minutes dedicated to its crew? A single card with all of their names, taking 12 seconds of screentime, would have sufficed. Add in the fact that he’s a slow talker, and there’s really only like 15 minutes of material here. Most of it is just about the film’s distribution problems (the MPAA, shady producers, etc), which is kind of interesting but again, he offers precious little insight to the actual production. Perhaps having Keaton or one of the male actors join him to reminisce would have been a better idea. The trailers are also included, and its interesting to note the difference in marketing; the 1978 “Day of the Woman” trailer is much more abstract and “arty”, whereas the re-release (with the I Spit On Your Grave title) pretty much looks like every Grindhouse trailer ever made – lot of out of context shots of violence and nudity aided by an enthusiastic voiceover. It’s also a good way to gauge how much effort went into the film transfer – the trailers look like shit whereas the movie (barring some issues that are the result of the film’s low budget/small crew production) looks phenomenal.

Unfortunately, while the movie itself is better, the bonus features on the remake leave much to be desired. The commentary track with director Steven Monroe and producer Lisa Hansen is a typically dull affair where they tell brief on-set anecdotes about the generator losing power or actors really being hit in violent scenes, and nothing about, for example, why they wanted to remake the movie in the first place. I was also somewhat taken aback by the fact that it’s not until the end credits that they mention that the DP died about a month before the film’s release, and then as soon as they do, go back to giving shoutouts to crew members and themselves. Just feels very mercenary. The making of featurette is pretty generic and overly clip heavy, but it’s almost worth a look just to hear one of the actors claim he saw the 1978 original on Joe Bob Briggs’ TV show, since Briggs points out on HIS commentary that the film never aired on television at all, let alone on his own show (despite much begging on his part). There are also a few deleted scenes, most of which deal with the bad guys yelling at each other, but there is a good moment that should have been left in dealing with Jennifer’s first meeting with Matthew, as well as a small callback to the original’s religious references.

Ultimately, neither film will ever be something I want to watch over and over (or even ever again), but both deserve at least one look. I personally prefer the remake but only because it improved some of the things I didn’t like about the original, despite being beat for beat pretty much the exact same movie. Which film you prefer will probably depend on your sensibilities and how long you can stomach watching a woman be raped (while just as brutal, the remake’s version is thankfully shorter). However, Briggs’ commentary on the original is a must listen, so both discs are of equal value in my eyes.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Open House (1987)

FEBRUARY 8, 2011

GENRE: CRAP, SLASHER
SOURCE: NETFLIX (INSTANT)

Congrats, Open House! You’re the 100th movie I deem “Crap”! Though looking at the first year, I was a bit harsh on some of the films; movies like Nightmares, Dracula II, They, etc are bad, but I was so naïve then to think those were the lowest of the low. I can only pray that 3-4 years from now, I’m not looking back at Open House and expressing that sort of sentiment – I would really hate to see so many bad movies in the future that this would actually start to look marginally decent.

The main problem with this film is that director Jag Mundhra seemingly didn’t know what the hell he was doing and/or didn’t bother sitting with his editor at any point. Not only is the movie sinfully boring, but there are at least three shots during separate kill scenes that go on for so long, I began to wonder if the Netflix stream had frozen. At one point a woman is hung, and we don’t really see her murder, but we watch a 36 second shot of her just hanging there. Now, 36 seconds may not sound like a long time, but when you’re watching it, it feels like an eternity. There’s also a bit at the beginning where a woman finds a corpse and screams for a minute or so. Does this alert the killer to her presence? Nope, she just keeps screaming and shaking her head, and then finally, the scene ends.

And that’s the other problem – Mundhra apparently couldn’t decide what kind of movie he was making. This scene (which occurs in the first few minutes) is borderline campy fun, but it’s pretty much the only moment in the film that can be described as such until the very end, which is on a whole new level of ridiculousness as the killer falls over a railing after being shot in the forehead, then gets back up (brain matter all over the ground), only to be felled by a cop kicking him in the balls, which sends him flying over ANOTHER railing, and finally dying despite the 2nd fall not being as far.

But in between these are scenes that border on Skinemax erotic thriller (indeed, Mundhra has helmed a number of such films, including the Andrew Stevens “classic” Night Eyes), and then sometimes we’re in pure slasher movie territory, and then the rest of the time it’s just a plain dull movie about real estate. Longtime readers know my “affinity” for real estate horror (this is actually the 2nd Open House!), but this one doesn’t use it as a backdrop – it’s practically a drama about the cutthroat real estate world; Glengarry Glen Ross by way of crappy cable thrillers. I couldn’t even understand what exactly was causing tension between some of the realtors, because I couldn’t follow their jargon. Their stuff is also awkwardly mixed with scenes of a radio call in host (main realtor Adrienne Barbeau’s boyfriend), who takes phone calls from the killer after he strikes. So if real estate intrigue isn’t your thing, don’t worry – Open House has got you covered via long scenes of people screening listener calls, typing on the request computer, and installing phone taps.

This film also features the flat out ugliest goddamn man I’ve ever seen in my life. I don’t want to be mean, but Jesus Christ is he unpleasant to look at. Luckily he’s supposed to be an unpleasant man, a rival realtor (yes, this movie has RIVAL REALTORS) named Barney Resnick who slobbers about, says terrible things like “Your ass is negotiable” to pretty young realtors, and dies taking a piss. And he has more screen time than the killer, who is almost as hideous, but that makes sense because he’s a homeless man, not a guy that’s supposed to be charming as he suckers you into buying a split level in Valley Village that’s located under a flight path.

Oh, yeah, the homeless killer. A few years ago I wrote a list for B-D about the stupidest killer motives ever, and had I seen Open House then it would have made the list. Our guy is killing because the realtors priced the houses too high, but also because they sold the house he was squatting in and thus made him homeless again. I fail to see how killing a few realtors would really resolve his issue – it’s not like they would start lowering prices because the competition was dead. Also not sure why he calls the radio show, but I had long since stopped caring about anything that happened in the movie by the time he was revealed anyway.

There was one bit I liked, but only due to what I watched the other day. At one point a little cuddly kitten begins meowing and circling around the killer. Having just suffered through The Roommate (the worst movie I had seen this month until this piece of shit came along), I feared that I’d be witness to another caticide. But the killer tickles the little furball for a bit and then lets him go. Good call, movie – you prevented me from inventing a whole new category for movies I abhor.

I should also probably talk about Barbeau a bit, because someone will bitch if I don’t. She has a brief nude scene, so that’s good, but she’s not in the movie enough to warrant the viewing – you can see her nude in other, better movies, and she doesn’t really get any good lines or do anything badass. Hell she doesn’t even figure much into the finale – spending most of it tied up (in the damsel in distress way, not the S&M way). Her role stinks of “We have her for 5 days of this 30 day shoot!”, in fact – her scenes are sort of disconnected from the rest of the film, and disappears for large chunks at a time (she only appears once in the first 25 minutes or so). Sort of like Neve in Scream 3, and even THAT movie is something I wished I was watching instead.

Odd trivia – the screenwriter went on to write/direct/narrate The Sandlot, which I remember as being a pretty charming movie. What the hell, man? Where was that talent on THIS goddamn thing?

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Death Note II: The Last Name (2006)

FEBRUARY 7, 2011

GENRE: HERO KILLER, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

Kind of ironic that today is the 4th anniversary/birthday of Horror Movie A Day and I watched Death Note II: The Last Name, which is barely a horror movie (but qualifies under a few of my rules, and is, after all, about a dude who can kill anyone just by writing their name down, which is scary). But more ironic is that one of the things I fear most is dying of a heart attack or an aneurysm – something instant and largely unpreventable. It’s like, if you die in a car crash you can spend all of the afterlife wondering if you had just hit the brakes a second sooner or left work five minutes later you’d still be alive – but those sort of things, which is basically what the Death Note does, can happen anywhere, anytime, and there’s not a thing you can do about.

Adding to this irony, if you missed my note earlier, is that I indeed could have very easily died tonight if the tire/bushings/rod/etc on my car had snapped off two minutes earlier (when I was on the freeway doing 65 mph) instead of when it did (driving 1 mph as I was pulling into my parking spot at home). Guess it just wasn’t my time! Hurrah! I live on to watch the rest of and then review Death Note II.

I enjoyed the movie OK enough, but I liked the original more (also - that was over a year ago? Man, 2010 flew by). For starters, Light is simply not sympathetic this time around. While he still wants to kill criminals and such, he’s far more concerned with covering his own ass this time around, and by the end of the film he’s trying to not only kill L, his awesome “nemesis”, but even his own father. The few criminal kills in the movie are largely perfunctory, serving as Macguffins for the movie’s real plot, which is how Light and L have “teamed up” in order to uncover the identity of a 3rd “Kira” that has sprung up. Thus, this means that a giant chunk of the film is given to our main characters trying to figure out something we have already figured out, as well as sitting around a monitor room saying things like “If *I* was Kira, I would do this...” or “Kira might be trying to do this in order to keep us from doing that...” and so on and so forth. And the movie is 140 minutes long (!), so it gets a bit dull.

Not to mention needlessly convoluted. While I like the basic premise and the idea of rules, there are a bunch of new ones here (or at least, rules that didn’t really factor into the first movie), which seem to just be ways of working around potential plot holes for the most part. But whatever they were introduced for, it just makes the movie even more convoluted than it already was – Christ, they even introduce fake rules every now and then, just to keep us on our toes I guess.

It also fails to capitalize on what I thought was the most interesting thing about the movie – L and Light being forced to work together. There’s a great scene where L steps outside for once and joins Light at school, donning a silly mask (but still eating candy at all times – this dude’s going to get diabetes) and inadvertently putting Light in a position where he has to pretend he’s a friend. I would have loved more of this sort of stuff, and I would have preferred Light tell L that he was Kira and join him for real in order to find the impostor, instead of having Light simply get more villainous as the film went on. Especially since L is a far more interesting character anyway – it would have allowed him to branch out a little more, instead of going back to the monitor room and doing the same shit he did throughout the first movie for the bulk of the (excessive) running time.

I think they also miss the chance for some cool revisionist/ret-conning of real world history – how great would it be to find out that say, Jimmy Hoffa (or the Japanese equivalent, if there is one) was the victim of a previous Death Note holder? Again, I find the idea that someone can simply write my name down and kill me somewhat terrifying, and that the deaths happen in very normal ways (as opposed to Final Destination style freak accidents) would make it very easy for a more devilish screenwriter to work in some real world incidents that could have been the result of a Death Note. Something to think about for the inevitable US remake (which is being helmed by Shane Black, a guy who has no problem with possibly ruffling some feathers).

The sequel also continues the odd fascination with the music of Red Hot Chili Peppers, bringing back “Dani California” (“Californiaaaaaaaaa rest in peaaaaaaaace”) and playing “Snow (Hey Oh)” for good measure. I mean, nothing against the band, but it just seems funny to me that one song wasn’t enough for them. One of the characters even plays a pop star but we hear more RHCP than we do from her. Also, of all mainstream US bands, I wouldn’t peg them for being big overseas (especially in a non-English speaking country) since all of their songs are about California. Unless Japan is just big into heroin.

Luckily one thing has improved this time around – the DVD menu! Last time I couldn’t even find half of the bonus features because the menu was some impenetrable maze of nonsense, but here it’s a pretty standard bullet point list, starting with a making of that features a (dubbed) interview with director Shusuke Kaneko and some subtitled on the set footage with the actors. Pretty standard stuff, and I think it was originally webisodes or something because every 2-3 minutes it flashes the same title screen. There’s also a trio of trailers; one for Japan (which is oddly sans music), one (actually two played back to back) for US with a hilariously excited voiceover guy, and a third for a spinoff movie featuring L, which looks like more of an action film (there’s an explosion!) but is, back to irony here, the only one labeled a horror movie on the IMDb. Anyone see it? Worth a look (horror or not)? I wouldn’t have minded some more about the original comic and/or animated version and how the two differ, but at least what was there I could find.

Long story short, it’s a decent sequel, but didn’t quite go the way I would have liked, and was a bit too long/convoluted. If you flat out loved the original you’d probably enjoy this one, but if that one wasn’t your thing, this certainly won’t change your mind. Unless you hate apples – there’s no apple fixation in this one!

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Deathwatch (2002)

FEBRUARY 6, 2011

GENRE: SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: NETFLIX (INSTANT)

I dug Deathwatch. It wasn’t particularly original, and I somehow even managed to guess that it would have a vague ending that left it up to the viewer to decide the true nature of its horror elements, but I enjoyed my time watching it, had fun trying to figure out who would die and when, and didn’t get bored. All I can ask for anymore, really – tomorrow makes exactly four years of doing this. That’s over 1500 horror movies; I can’t really fault a movie for not blowing me away.

I WAS blown away by the opening titles though. Well, maybe blown away is exaggerating, but they were A+ cool all the same. See, one issue inherent in a lot of war movies is that it’s hard to tell some of the characters apart, as they tend to be cast with fresh-faced unknowns (I only recognized two actors in the film – Andy Serkis and Jamie Bell, faring much better here than King Kong, where they ‘reunited’). But the editor (and/or Wilderness director Michael J. Bassett, who made his debut here) had the genius idea to put each cast member’s name over a shot of their character, which helped differentiate them right off the bat. In fact these were the only opening titles beyond a few production companies and the film’s title, so I’m guessing that this was a choice specifically made to combat that problem.

Another cool thing was the variety of the kill scenes (spoilers, duh). Some get shot, some get tangled up in barbed wire, one gets a mace to the head, and one dude is engulfed with a blood tornado of sorts. In fact, my overexposure to movies actually made it a bit more fun – you are to expect that there’s some sort of supernatural force at play here, but I’ve seen enough movies where it’s just a psychological break to accept that too easily. It wasn’t until near the end of the film (when barbed wire literally started coming to life and wrapping itself around the guys on its own) that I knew it wasn’t just “they all snapped”. Also, there is the possibility that they are all dead already and this is some sort of purgatory, which I was tipped off to quite early (they radio for help and the guy on the other end says “that company is dead!” or something to that effect – it’s played as an “oh shit, no one’s going to rescue us” moment, but I’ve seen movies where that’s actually the truth). So again I got to enjoy playing the guessing game.

However, as I had predicted, it’s a movie where they don’t really come right out and say what happened, so I’m left only with my theory (all dead, French dude is a sort of “judge” in purgatory), not the satisfaction of knowing I was right (or the further satisfaction at being wrong and having a good reason to watch the movie again). Which makes me wish that I watched the movie a lot sooner, because that’s the type of thing that’s fun to talk about with friends, but 8-9 years later, folks have moved on to more exciting matters, like who Joseph Gordon-Levitt is playing in Batman 3.

There are two moments of incredible awesome in this movie; one horror based, one just kind of scary in an action movie way. The latter would be when a soldier is walking through the trenches (the movie takes place during WWI), securing the area, when he senses someone is there. Suddenly, we see what’s up – the enemy has caked himself into the mud (like Rambo II), and then there’s a tense game of chicken as each man is aware of the other but seemingly doesn’t know if the other guys KNOWS he is aware of him. Sweet. And then later in the movie, there’s a big pile of bodies, which is already kind of disturbing, but then the pile begins to sort of contract and deflate, much to the panic of Bell, our hero who reminded me more than a little of Jeremy Davies’ character in Saving Private Ryan (right down to letting a guy go only to regret it later).

Speaking of the war, I wouldn’t have minded a little more background as to who they were, where they were fighting, what battle it was, etc. WWI hasn’t been covered much in movies period, let alone in horror films, so contextualizing it a bit would have been fine by me. Also, for better or worse, there’s not a lot of characterization amongst the men; the lone “I have a girl back home...” scene turns out to be a joke that requires incorrect spelling (a guy talks about his girl back in NORWICH – (k)Nickers Off, Ready When I Come Home). Especially in a movie where pretty much everyone dies anyway, it’s not like they had to worry about it being a “oh this guy’s obviously going to die” moment like in pretty much every other war movie.

Anyway, good stuff. Fans of Below will dig it, I think, as well as Outpost. There’s even a bit of The Keep in there for good measure. It’s funny though – the war/horror genre is sparsely populated, but they all seem to deal with similar subject matter. How about a slasher set in the aftermath of D-Day, or maybe some of our guys have to team up with the Vietcong against a rampaging monster? Civil War Vampire, perhaps? Think outside the box a bit, folks!

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Face (2004)

FEBRUARY 5, 2011

GENRE: GHOST, SERIAL KILLER
SOURCE: NETFLIX (INSTANT VIEW)

When I tweeted that I was watching Face (Korean: Peiseu), I joked that I hoped that the main character was “a ghost or something”, because despite confirmation of it being a horror film, it didn’t really SOUND like one – the plot synopsis just said it was about a retired skull reconstruction expert being asked to do his thing. I figured there was a serial killer of some sorts figuring into things, but otherwise it sounded like a subplot of a CSI episode. But it was also a Korean horror film, so I figured a ghost would figure into it somehow.

And sure enough, it’s not long before long black haired girls in white clothing are popping up every 10 minutes or so in order to scare us (well, not me). I’d actually argue that they were a detriment to the film, however, as it led me to believe that this was another generic Asian ghost film, which it turned out not to be. If I had to guess, I’d say that these things were introduced just to keep the interest of folks who can’t get enough of those movies (or of a producer hoping to market it as one). I am about to dip into spoiler territory here, so stop reading if you don’t want the 3rd act revelations spoiled for you.

So ultimately I was quite delighted to find that not only was the movie pretty dang good, but also my joke was actually sort of true! Sort of like The Bone Collector, our main guy is aided by a younger, would-be genius skull reconstruction expert, and SHE turns out to be a ghost. There’s a lot more to it than that, which I won’t spoil, but it’s a really cool twist and the rare example of this sort of thing not only being a total surprise to me, but also giving the film a surprise element of sadness. The final scene is a bit too melodramatic for my tastes, but it’s so rare for these Asian horror films to be more concerned with the drama and character development than spooky jump scares, I easily forgave it.

It also makes up for the film’s sort of main problem, which is that the killer turns out to be someone we only saw once (another Bone Collector connection). The only reason I hadn’t forgotten about the character completely by the time we saw him again is because his first scene stuck out like a sore thumb. Tell me, which of these things don’t really belong: skull reconstruction, serial killers, organ donors, scuba diving clubs, police investigators. Take your time.

But when you factor in the twist, you realize that it would be impossible to include the character more often without giving it away (unless they cheated, which would be worse). Thus, I no longer minded the issue – I’ll take that “problem” over yet another vengeful ghost tale like Shutter/One Missed Call/etc, or a twist that simply makes no sense, OR a movie that you can tell how it ends after the first reel. Indeed, one of the things I was most impressed by was the way that a very important clue to solving the mystery was revealed early on, when they are first starting to reconstruct the skull. The girl says something and the guy points out how she could easily be mistaken, and we take it as a “oh she’s smart, but he’s SMARTER” type moment, but it’s actually more or less telling you the answer. Very cool, and again it’s the type of thing that elevates this movie above its more typical peers.

It’s also got at least one cool visual effect concerning its ghost. It’s hard to explain in words, but basically it “grows” almost out of nothing while using mirror effects. Since pretty much all of the others were the standard “oh look there’s a little ghost girl there all of a sudden/now she’s gone!” type moments, I’m glad there was one full blown horror moment that was a little more creative. It’s the killer/organ/skull storyline that makes the movie compelling, so it’s not such a big problem (for me) that the scares were so generic, but having this one “outside the box” element was an excellent bonus of sorts.

I just hope if you do check out the film that you avoid Netflix’s transfer as well as whatever source they used. I don’t THINK it was Netflix’s fault, but I was constantly being distracted by a compression error that made folks’ eyes shift around on their owner’s heads, backgrounds freezing in space for a millisecond when the camera began to move, etc. It’s a problem I’ve seen on a lot of budget DVDs for old movies (usually when transferred from VHS), but rarely have I seen it on a newer film and NEVER this bad. Hilariously, the issue actually HELPED a particular nightmare scene, as everything around him was supposed to be moving in strange ways and thus the compression error just intensified the effect. Also according to the IMDb, there’s a version that runs about 8 minutes longer, which I’d be more than happy to check out sometime. I’d also like to check out more from the (FOUR!) writers, but sadly three of them haven’t done anything since (including Sang-Gon Yoo, who also directed), and the other has only done one other film, an action comedy. As the film is nearly seven years old, I find this a bit disheartening; hopefully Yoo can mount another film soon (with or without the rest of the creators).

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Roommate (2011)

FEBRUARY 4, 2011

GENRE: BLANK FROM HELL, TEEN
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REGULAR SCREENING)

If not for a (thankfully offscreen) moment halfway through movie, I'd almost be tempted to recommend The Roommate as a "let's get drunk and watch this" type movie. It's pretty bad, but there are unintentionally hilarious moments sprinkled throughout, not to mention Cam Gigandet's award-worthy performance, which consists almost entirely of squinting and making a face that suggests he's never more than a second away from bursting out laughing. But there's one part that kills the fun, made worse by the fact that it turns out to be pretty much the only really evil thing that Leighton Meester does in the movie.

Spoilers ahead!

Granted the movie was PG-13, so it's not like I was expecting a bloodbath, but Prom Night and even When A Stranger Calls (both Screen Gems offerings, in fact) had a body count that would take at least one full hand. The Roommate, on the other hand, has TWO kills, and one is an adorable little kitten. Actually the kitten's the only confirmed kill - she stabs Minka Kelly's ex but it's entirely possible that he's just wounded, they cut away as soon as she penetrates. The rest of the would-be victims - Kelly's friend at school, her best friend from home, Gigandet as her boyfriend, Billy Zane's lecherous professor... they're all still standing at the film's end, many without even any injuries. But a little kitten gets it? Fuck you, movie. On that note, feel free to check out Scott Weinberg's thoughts on the matter - he rightfully points out that the MPAA should warn about such things, especially when they have random shit like "teens partying" in their warning language. What teens? Everyone in this movie is practically (in Kelly's case, IS) in their 30s. Kelly was playing a teacher herself 4 years ago in The Kingdom, for Christ's sake.

Anyway, that's not even the biggest problem with the movie. Low death count? Fine. As long as it's suspenseful/creepy, right? Well, it's not. Almost admirably, there are very few jump scares, but there's not much of ANYTHING in this movie. Scene after scene just ends with Meester staring at Kelly, or Kelly looking puzzled about something Meester just said or did. There's no real tension, and scenes/subplots come and go without any fanfare (Kelly never even finds out about the kitten). Even when Kelly meets Meester's parents and encounters a previous "obsession", nothing comes of it. Was this girl someone who she was close to before, or was she just obsessed from afar? Doesn't matter, I guess - the whole "subplot" was just something to kill time, not actually advance the plot or deepen Meester's character. Not to sound crass, but it's not even ever made clear if she has lesbian tendencies (the scene in the trailer with her sleeping in the same bed is not even in the film), thus we're never even sure what exactly she wants to accomplish.

The random "scare" scenes don't amount to a damn thing, either. At one point a gas station guy almost literally comes out of nowhere and begins hitting on her while she fills her tank. She sprays him with gasoline, takes out a lighter, and... he runs away. That's it. At one point she attacks Kelly's friend and rips her belly ring out, but does the girl do anything? Nope, she just moves into a different dorm and is never seen again. You'd think she'd tell the cops (at least the CAMPUS cops) that she was seriously injured by the girl living with her friend - it's not like Meester was blackmailing her or anything. Nearly every scene in the film could have been edited for time, as there's never any connective tissue or consequences to anything. It's also a bit sloppy; Meester dyes her hair dark brown at one point to fake the ex boyfriend, but two scenes later it's back to the dirty blond she sports throughout the film.

I was barely surprised to learn that the film was edited by the same guy responsible for Halloween 6, itself a movie that's just a bunch of random scenes with almost zero connection to one another. Ordinarily I'd suspect a hasty re-edit as the cause of this sort of thing, but apart from the bed shot, everything else in the trailer is in the film, which surprised me. However, this is the only writing credit for screenwriter Sonny Mallhi, and everything else is producing credits - not the best sign. You can almost hear the studio meeting: "Let's get two hot young starlets and do a college version of Single White Female!" "Great! I'll throw together a script this weekend." It's almost sort of impressive how you can see every plot point coming a mile away when the movie is so slapdash - perhaps they actually wrote the goddamn thing AROUND a trailer. "OK, we need a few scenes of them getting along, some minor creepy bits, and 2-3 stunts for the end of the trailer. Figure it out." And they steal more than the basic plot of SWF, by the way - nearly every single major event in the film was taken from that superior film. It's kind of funny, this is an "original" from Screen Gems but it feels more like a remake of an older film than their legit "remakes" of When A Stranger Calls and Prom Night did.

At least it LOOKS good. Kelly and Meester are both beautiful women and even when the latter goes into full-blown crazy mode, they always look wonderful. Since nothing happens in the movie, I'm not sure why they shot it scope (it's actually a detriment - constantly allowing us to see how ridiculously big their dorm room is), but it makes it look a little bigger than its 8 million dollar budget (per IMDb) would have you believe. I wish they could have shelled out a little more for the soundtrack though; the first 30 minutes or so feature wall to wall pop rock songs, but it's all bland and forgettable crap by bands I've never heard of (and keep in mind I LIKE "crappy" pop rock; a Lifehouse or Tonic tune would have increased the movie's value in my mind).

Most tellingly, even the teens in the (very sparse) audience were laughing at things that were supposed to be scary/disturbing, like when Meester beats the shit out of herself (another go nowhere subplot). You know you've truly failed when the 14 year old girls who are supposed to eat this shit up aren't even impressed. I think I counted one scream (at a jump scare the trailer gives away anyway), and a lot of "nooo" during the kitten scene, but otherwise, just the laughter. Laughing at the movie, or laughing at the 30 year old moron by himself watching The fucking Roommate on a Friday night, I'm not sure, but either way they sure as hell didn't seem to be into the movie. Smart kids!

What say you?


PLEASE, GO ON...

Vanishing On 7th Street (2010)

FEBRUARY 3, 2011

GENRE: POST-APOCALYPTIC
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (PRESS SCREENING)

Fact: I was afraid of the dark for quite a long time. I don’t think I fully got over it until like late in high school. So if Vanishing On 7th Street had come out like 15 years ago, I’d probably consider it to be the scariest movie of all time, as that’s pretty much all it is – people having a reason to be afraid of the dark. Also, I was less discerning back then; as a teen I might not have noticed/minded that the movie is often repetitive and far too minimalist. I enjoyed it, but I couldn’t help but be distracted by things I thought could have been improved.

For starters, there are way too few people in the movie, and they meet up too quickly on top of that. I think the movie would have worked a bit better if they had kept the characters separate for a little longer, because those scenes were far more exciting/scary than the ones of all four of them sitting around a generator-powered bar with an incredibly annoying jukebox (it takes like an hour for someone to finally point out what a waste of power it was). Safety is in numbers, after all, so anytime they're all together you can be guaranteed nothing much will happen to them. The early scenes (pre-meeting up) also gave the movie a bit more visual flavor, as it’s a really loose version of a single-location film. If you’re going to do the single location thing, fine – but stuck with it, not just sort of fall back on it. They clearly had the locations, and the isolated/end of the world imagery is incredibly unnerving, but we don’t get to see enough of it. Likewise, the limited cast seems like a missed opportunity, especially when we are “treated” to a 5 minute scene of a character going off after finding that another one had been taken, only to discover that it was some sort of hallucination. If you need to pad your film out, go shoot scenes of another would-be hero trying to make it to the bar, and failing. Scares are always better than groans – no one likes to find out they’ve been watching something that was just a dream.

They also could/should have done away with the awkward flashbacks for two of the characters. Every now and then, the script pulls a Lost and has a character think back on something that happened a couple days ago (the bulk of the movie takes place 3 days after everyone disappears); suspense-free scenes that often don’t really tell us anything about the characters OR the situation. The kid’s worked, because it was about happier times and came at a moment where we could use that bit of levity and hope, but Thandie Newton and Hayden Christensen’s were incredibly jarring, just showing another incident from the “what is going ON?” phase of their predicament when we already got that sort of thing a half hour or so prior when they were first introduced. The scenes themselves are fine, but their placement just didn’t work for me; it’s hard to be scared about shadows creeping up on Hayden 3 days ago when we know he makes his way to safety.

One thing that definitely worked was the “still” shadows. Most of them sort of creep around and engulf the walls and floors as they close in on our characters, and it’s a cool effect the first couple times but it gets a bit tedious as the film wears on. However, there are human shadows that just stand there, and those creeped me out from start to finish. There’s something very terrifying about a human shadow that has no source, and director Brad Anderson managed to continually find ways to make it scary, unlike the mostly shapeless “swarm” shadows.

Also, while I wish there were maybe 2-3 more characters, at least the actors playing the four we DO have provide solid work. John Leguizamo is as entertaining as always (though having him shout math statistics at one point wasn’t a good idea – you don’t want to give anyone unwanted flashbacks to The Happening), and Christensen continues to show that his awful Star Wars performances weren’t what we should be using to judge his abilities as an actor. His character is a bit of a prick, but ol’ Anakin makes him sympathetic all the same – something a bad actor wouldn’t have been able to pull off. I also enjoyed Jacob Latimore in his first film performance, as the young kid who believes his mother is coming back for him. Without spoiling much, the movie does show us how much damage a typically annoying child actor can do, so it’s much appreciated that they found a young actor who could play the role without annoying the audience, but also fit in with his co-stars. And Larry Fessenden pops up for about 30 seconds as a would-be survivor, essentially playing the exact same role he played in Mulberry Street.

I also felt the movie did a fine job of coming up with the different things that could happen when the humans simply disappear in an instant. The crashed cars and such are standard issue signs, but others, such as a patient whose doctor disappeared mid-surgery, are unique (to me) and quite chilling. And it’s another traditional idea, but a plane randomly dropping from the sky is always a great “oh shit” moment (another downside of keeping it in the bar – the idea that it’s not just the darkness they need to fear is sort of obliterated by keeping them inside). The piles of clothes also never failed to provide uncomfortable “sight gags”.

Now (spoilers ahead, sort of), one thing that I actually liked that I know bothered others was the lack of an explanation for what had happened. Basically they allude to it being the 2nd time it had happened (Roanoke/Croatoan are mentioned), but no specific cause is given. That’s fine with me, but if you are the type that wants everything explained, I’d steer clear of the film. If you ask me, any explanation would sound silly or would contrast with what I myself thought it was, so by leaving it up to me to decide, I can draw my own conclusions and be happy with it. That said, the big moment of “Croatoan” was a bit botched, as the word appeared in a spot that we hadn’t seen before. For all we know it was already there – it’s a cool word and some dude might have spray painted it there a year ago. There should have been a shot of the blank wall at the beginning of the film, or something along those lines to make it “pop” even more.

While I’m all for seeing original R rated films in theaters (though the rating is mainly for language – there’s no actual violence in the film, they just disappear), Magnolia has already put the film on certain on-demand services and will likely put it on more when the film gets its theatrical release later this month. And I would probably suggest watching it that way – it’s a very confined film and I think it will play better at home, when you have the option of putting the light on if you get scared, or a passing car’s headlights makes the shadow of a coat rack or something “creep” up on you for added effect. But either way, it’s worth a look, and the first half hour or so is top notch post-apocalyptic fare. I just wish there was a little more variety to the proceedings.

What say you?


PLEASE, GO ON...

Blu-Ray Review: Let Me In (2010)

FEBRUARY 3, 2011

GENRE: REMAKE, VAMPIRE
SOURCE: BLU-RAY (OWN COLLECTION)

I don’t know if it’s intentional or just the weirdest coincidence, but three of the four films that were released on October 1st, 2010 in theaters are hitting DVD/Blu on February 1st, 2011. All were theatrical disappointments, partially due to overcrowding, so it’s kind of funny that they’ll be fighting for attention on the same day yet again. Chain Letter and Hatchet II, of course, never got wide releases and will see bigger audiences on DVD than they possibly could have in theaters, but Let Me In’s box office failure was a surprise to me – whatever my misgivings were about it being an unnecessary remake, it WAS a good film and the best way to experience the story if you were a foreign language-phobe. So now that it’s on DVD, perhaps it will find its audience and renew the “WHY?” debate all over again.

(The fourth film was Case 39, and adding to this irony, was the most successful of the four and yet hit shelves much sooner – as if it was the biggest dud).

Watching the film again, I did pick up on some minor changes that Matt Reeves made in his version, giving it a bit more of its own personality than I originally noticed or gave it credit for. Changing the character of Virginia to a younger woman is an interesting choice; her story is a bit sadder when it’s a younger woman instead of one who had already sort of “lived” and was coming up on retirement age (and in this process, removed the dumb “cats” scene, which is one of the few weak spots in the original). I also like the idea of Owen as a voyeur of sorts, watching neighbors with a telescope and such. And Father isn’t as incompetent here; he actually pulls off the first murder with minimal mistakes (and really, slipping on the snow and losing the blood is hardly a dumb mistake, unlike simply leaving the blood behind as he did in the original film).

But I also read the book since then, and thus became more confused why his film followed the original film so closely when there was so much unused source material he could have drawn from, such as Oskar/Owen’s borderline Walter Mitty-esque daydreams, or his friend Tommy. He also retained things that the original film had changed from the book, such as killing Hakan/The Father at the hospital, whereas in the book he survived for a while (granted this subplot in the book goes to some extremely disturbing areas, but it could have been toned down). I mean, you have one of the greatest character actors of his generation (Richard Jenkins) – why not keep him around longer when the precedent to do so was already there?

In short, there was plenty of opportunity to deviate from the film, but he never took advantage of that material (not to mention his own imagination – again, he even copied the look of the locations), and the film suffers a bit as a result – it recycles just a bit too much, and then there’s a novel involved, it makes it even more puzzling to me. I’ve long argued that Carpenter’s The Thing is NOT a remake, because it’s drawing from the original source material, not the 1950s movie. Ditto the various Dracula and Frankenstein movies – Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) is not a remake of the Bela Lugosi film; it’s a big budget adaptation of the novel. However, Let Me In is most definitely a remake of Tomas Alfredson’s film, no doubt about it.

But again, it’s still a good film, and Anchor Bay/Overture has brought it to DVD/Blu with a decent set of supplemental material. Reeves’ commentary is essential viewing (listening?), as he points out some of the more subtle things he added to the film that help drive home a few points without beating you over the head with it, such as when Owen sees two teens on a date by the Ms. Pac-Man machine early on and then reuses the exact same angle later when he and Abby are playing (he also goes a bit overboard with his metaphors, saying that he specified it had to be a MS. Pac-Man machine because it’s a female who needs to feed to survive – dude, who cares). He also identifies a lot of surprising films that he looked to for inspiration, everything from Klute to Barry Lyndon (plus a few obvious choices such as The Shining), and reveals some terrific tidbits, such as the fact that Owen’s “killer” mask is actually a mold of Richard Jenkins. He rarely stops talking and he covers all areas – music, casting, plotting, locations, CGI – the whole nine yards. A must listen even if you didn’t like the film.

The rest of the standard extras aren’t as essential, but are interesting and well put together all the same. The process of creating the incredible “back of the car” shot of Father’s botched kill is explained in full detail, and the only drawback is that I can now spot when Richard Jenkins is replaced with the stunt double (the hair is different). There’s also a “before and after” look at a few of the FX shots, which I would suggest just putting on mute as there is no commentary explaining what we are looking at, but they DO leave in the source audio, which makes for a very jarring aural experience since it’s constantly cutting back and forth. Then there’s also a traditional making of that runs about 20 minutes, and three deleted scenes that wouldn’t have hurt if they were left in the film (particularly the one with the gym teacher), and Reeves provides optional commentary for those as well.

The only Blu exclusive extra, however, is a near total waste of time and poorly implemented to boot. Billed as a “Picture in Picture experience”, it’s simply 10-12 short making of featurettes (and one brief storyboard sequence) of little to no interest that pop up every now and then. There is no way to skip ahead to these things, and pretty much every single thing Reeves says he covered on the commentary and/or on the making of (his “Dial M For Murder” story is told at least THREE times on the disc). You can’t even fast forward through the movie to find the next one, as since they are PIP videos they don’t appear unless you’re playing normal speed (at least on my player). And all told they cover maybe a quarter of the film’s running time, so you basically have to watch the entire movie again in order to see these pieces that are more often than not repeating information you already learned elsewhere. A good idea in theory, but totally botched here. And since the Blu transfer is uncharacteristically underwhelming (it’s very soft - perhaps the result of over-zealous DNR?), I’d only buy the Blu if it was the same price or cheaper – nothing is worth paying more than the standard def DVD, unless you’re in love with Blu-ray’s smaller casing on your shelf (or if you must own a tiny reprint of the first issue of a four-part prequel comic series).

Stephen King called Let Me In the best American horror film in the past 20 years (I hope Frank “The Mist” Darabont kicked his bad leg for that one), but he also loved The Hitcher remake, which is defended by only one other person in the world (me), so let’s not put too much stock into that. I do not deny that it is a good film, even bordering on great at times (those horrible CGI attack scenes and annoying “I Love The 80s” approach in the early scenes knocks it down a peg or two”), but since the original film was damn near perfect and hasn’t exactly aged, I just don’t see why a talented filmmaker who could have written his own ticket after Cloverfield would make something that resembles someone else's film so closely.

Film (as a piece of entertainment): 8/10
Film (as a remake of a 2 year old film): 5/10
A/V: 7/10
Extras: 8/10
Overall: 7/10

PLEASE, GO ON...

Christina's House (1999)

FEBRUARY 2, 2011

GENRE: THRILLER
SOURCE: CABLE (MGM HD)

A lot of horror movies have a final scare/shock that makes absolutely no sense (Pieces being one of the best), but Christina’s House is the rare film in which the final scare actually changes what the plot was about... and makes absolutely no sense. And unlike Pieces or whatever, the movie is a dull bore, and that final twist, while cool (in a baffling way), doesn’t save it, nor do any of the 3-4 other isolated moments of inspired insanity that occur in the otherwise lousy film - it's certainly the only one I can recall that tries to make a scare out of a sandwich.

One of those things isn’t really a moment, it’s a character – the heroine’s insanely angry boyfriend (played by Brendan Fehr, who between this and The Forsaken should never be allowed in a horror movie again – and Final Destination doesn’t count because he died after like 2 minutes). Many of the few times I found myself enjoying the movie revolved around scenes of his character lashing out at someone out of nowhere, particularly when he suddenly dives onto a guy, smashing through a giant store window, and then beats the piss out of him. Why? We are to assume it’s because the guy was talking to his girlfriend, but so much time passes between the two incidents it becomes a comically insane and motiveless moment. There’s also an amazing bit where a cop is questioning the girl about a recent disappearance, and he suddenly goes “What the fuck is this about?!?!?”, even though the conversation wasn’t exactly accusatory. The cop’s reply is even funnier; he suddenly cranks his OWN anger level up to 11 and shouts back “YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”, as if Fehr had been interrupting him repeatedly instead of for the first time.

The other insanity comes courtesy of John Savage, who is creepily protective of his daughter, to the extent that I thought this might be some sort of weird incest horror movie. At one point he tells her how nice she looks, and when she says thanks and moves along, he sort of sighs and gets a rejected look on his face. There’s also a bit where he gives her a fatherly-seeming kiss her on the cheek, but it lasts about 5 seconds too long. Also, while I appreciate nudity as much as the next guy, it was a bit odd to see the girl naked (twice) when she is playing a 16 year old (actress Allison Lange, making her 3rd or 4th HMAD appearance here, was 21 at the time of production – and this was her first film so hurrah for not yet earning a no-nudity clause!).

But it’s just so damn dull. It’s sort of a slasher, but after the first kill (the world’s oldest “selling cookies for my school” girl) in the opening scene, we don’t get another for a while, and it’s just some random rival of Lange’s character who we’ve only seen once before. Lange’s friend dies off-screen at the top of the 3rd act, and that’s about it. The rest of the movie is just Lange complaining about hearing sounds, arguing with her boyfriend, or bickering with her video-game obsessed little brother, who at one point walks with a game boy, tapping away but isn’t even looking at the screen. Also he plays N64 at one point but the sounds we hear are strictly Atari 2600. Come on, I get that horror movies don’t have huge budgets and thus couldn’t exactly afford Goldeneye, but I see this all the time and it always drives me nuts (it’s usually Donkey Kong that we hear, though this sounds more like Missile Command or one of its ripoffs). There had to be SOME shitty N64 game that they would have let you use for cheap/free.

The 3rd is somewhat inspired, however. After starting with another one of those insane moments, which I won’t spoil it in case you plan to watch (I guess fans of Lange’s assets have a good reason to check the movie out), the now-revealed killer starts showing off all of the “modifications” he has made to the house, including a floor trap that sends the victim into a sort of “vase” lined with razor blades. Very Saw-like, but in 1999! And there’s a lot of chasing, Savage playing the hero, and a truly nutty killer rambling almost nonstop while wearing eyeliner for some reason. The only thing keeping it from being a true classic is the fact that no one, not even the killer, seems to be having any fun. So despite what sounds like an amazing finale on paper, it’s actually still kind of tedious.

It’s also remarkably PG-13 when it comes to the violence, which is weird since the language and (brief) nudity were clearly in the R-rated realm - they couldn’t possibly have thought they might get away with the teen-friendly rating. He just sort of swings the opening kill victim around until she dies (broken neck I guess?), and the other two are more or less off-screen. And despite two fairly serious injuries, Savage survives, which is a rarity in and of itself. So you’ll have young people shouting the F-bomb at parents and police officers and a naked 16 year old getting leered at by her own father, but you can’t bring yourself to kill a perennial victim or offer up a cool kill scene? What the hell, movie?

Well, whatever. It’s almost 12 years old and I had never heard of it until I saw it in the listings under Horror during one of my “oh yeah, I pay 100 bucks a month for cable, I should at least see if there’s anything on I can use for HMAD” sessions. Which never seem to work out well for me (other movies discovered this way include Dismal, Kinky Killers, Demon Hunter, Kemper, Desert Of Blood... Christ). *Cancels cable*

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Sea Of Fear (2006)

FEBRUARY 1, 2011

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: NETFLIX (INSTANT)

Sometimes I consider adding a new genre tag: “Nonsense”, for movies that aren’t exactly “Crap”, but are in no way worth your time due to a completely inane script. And if I did, Sea Of Fear would probably be the example I’d point to most often when someone asked me to explain the tag. Because it’s well shot and has a fun, droll performance by Edward Albert, making it better than the average Crap entry, but my god, what a horribly stupid movie.

Right off the bat I knew this was going to be a mess, because while I knew it was a slasher movie on a boat, I didn’t know how SMALL the boat would be. It’s roughly the size of the Orca from Jaws, but with 7-8 people on board. So not only is it going to be difficult to split our characters up properly (unlike say, Jason Takes Manhattan, which for all its faults at least used a giant ship that the kids could easily be isolated on), but it also makes the central mystery even less interesting. Obviously the killer can’t slash away with others nearby, so he/she needs to wait until someone is off on their own (sitting on the stern, for example), which usually requires showing where the other folks are in the meantime. After two kills there’s only two possibilities for the killer’s identity, a problem made worse by the fact that ALL of the characters are dull, one-dimensional morons.

Writer/director Andrew Schuth then makes matters worse with the weakest and unexciting climax in slasher movie history, featuring the killer and the final victim just sort of wandering around the deck of the boat talking to each other; the victim doesn’t seem afraid and the killer doesn’t seem particularly interested in killing her. They just talk and talk (and both are fairly shitty actors), explaining potential plot holes and talking about pirates... and then they start making out. Yes, it seems the “final girl” actually hired this guy to kill everyone. I’ve already forgotten why they had to keep the act up when no one was around, but I’m sure it was just as stupid.

And then, another, even stupider twist! After she turns on the “killer” and smothers him (more on that in a bit), we find out that one of the victims wasn’t really dead, and the whole thing was actually a big birthday present for her? The captain was an actor, and the pirates were helping him fake his death... it’s all needlessly complicated and requires far too much planning on their parts to work, which is the type of thing I always hate. This shit makes Roman Bridger’s 5 year plan to ruin Sidney’s life look logical. A movie like Wild Things (which also revealed its final twist on a boat) can get away with these ridiculous double crosses/triple twists, because the movie as a whole was like a full season of a sleazy soap opera condensed into two hours.

Back to the smothering thing. Early on, the characters all explain their greatest fears, which are quite astonishingly (read: impossibly) almost all related to the ocean: being eaten by sharks, drowning, being lost at sea, getting fish hooked, etc. Thus of course, this is how every character dies (nice of the shark to cooperate with this plan – did they hire him too?). The smothering thing is about the only non-nautical related issue, unless you count the girl who fears “being murdered” the most, which is laughably generic enough to fit. I must say, the killer really lucked out with this crew – what if one of them feared spiders or scarecrows or airplanes? Or did he realize his fortune after they explained their fears? “Hey, I have all this stuff at my disposal! I can make this wonderfully ironic!”

Well, to be fair it’s a good thing that they explained how everyone would die right away, because sometimes it’s too dark to see much of anything (the PG-13 rating also prevents much in the way of blood). The shark kill in particular is a pinnacle of “What the fuck is happening” cinema, with the dark footage added to useless slo-mo shots and the obvious fact that the shark is not with the actor, creating a mini-sequence in which almost nothing is discernible. Well done! Hilariously, the girl who fears being murdered probably wouldn’t have been scared by her own death, a clunky, single shot sequence of her being stabbed from behind, a scene we watch “through” the sail. Riveting.

But like I said, Albert is a delight. The reveal that his character was a bad actor just makes his performance all the more enjoyable, and he provides the most entertaining moment in the film when he sings a pirate shanty. Sadly he’s also the last to die (not counting the killer), so in order to enjoy his performance you have to watch a good chunk of the movie, which is not recommended.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Blood And Lace (1971)

JANUARY 31, 2011

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: NETFLIX (INSTANT VIEW)

The weirdest thing about Netflix Instant is how many movies they have that aren’t even available on DVD. So if I was a disc purist, I couldn’t even watch Blood And Lace, which was apparently never even released properly on VHS, let alone DVD. Yet Netflix has a pristine, OAR copy? How does that work? There’s an MGM logo at the very end, so I guess they must have some deal with them (I noticed a few other non-DVD streaming titles were also MGM). Glad MGM has its priorities in order. Release Cabin in the Woods? No, it’s all about getting Blood And Lace onto Netflix Instant!

Anyway, it’s kind of like an “early demo” of a slasher film. You know when a band releases demos of songs that already exist, and they sort of sound bad and have different lyrics that you don’t like as much, but it's still worth a listen for comparison's sake or just plain curiosity? That’s what this movie is. A die hard slasher fan (as I am) will enjoy seeing early versions of the POV opening murder (not unlike Halloween and Friday the 13th), and a killer in a mask chasing our heroine around the woods, but it also lacks suspense and the body count is too low (lower than Halloween’s even), rendering it hard to recommend to casual slasher fans who just want the boobs and blood.

Hell even I got annoyed at the lack of nudity at one point (the movie was originally rated PG!). One of the girls is the insanely cute Terri Messina, and there was a scene where it became clear she was going to get it on with a guy. But when they get to the scene, she’s always obscured or covered up in some way! What the hell! According to the IMDb, she was 24 during filming, so even though she was playing a 16 year old, there’s no need to hide it. Especially in a movie that’s as occasionally sleazy as this one – there’s an attempted rape, a lot of talk about the heroine’s mother being a prostitute, and a final twist that gives the girl an option of either going to jail or marrying her father.

But despite the lack of “action” (any kind), I still dug the flick. It reminded me of other offbeat slashers like Silent Scream and Pigs (aka Love Exorcist), and the villains’ plot was both realistic and fairly chilling. Basically, they got 150 bucks a month for each kid in their orphanage, but since they were so tyrannical, the kids would often try running away. If they ran away they wouldn’t get the dough, so they would chain them up (or kill them) to prevent them from running off, and would make excuses if someone came snooping around. Like when a cop comes by, they tell him that three of the kids are sick and are in the infirmary, and talk up the risk of contagion, so he opts not to actually look in the room. It’s the type of plot that could never work today, and that’s sort of what I liked about it – it’s somewhat ripoff/homage/remake proof. Part of why the 70s and 80s were the best decades for horror was because they were nestled in between the period where they couldn’t show much due to limitations of FX (or the Code), and the period where communication options rendered a lot of plots invalid. Take Halloween 4, for example – Loomis has to drive out to Haddonfield to warn them in person about Myers because a phone line was down, which of course was too late. Now it would be a cell call or email away. OR, they have to go through the generic motions of explaining why no one can call. So it’s always nice to go back to when the isolation and lack of communication was just a face of life, not a contrivance.

Back on track, this movie has one of the weirdest kills I’ve ever seen in a horror film, possibly any genre. There’s a runaway being chased by one of the asshole orphanage owners (Uncle Leo from Seinfeld!), and the kid’s suitcase falls apart. Rather than be like “screw my ugly clothes”, the kid stops to pick them up, and when he realizes that he’s allowing the guy to gain too much ground on him, he stands back up and... hugs a tree? I don’t know how else to explain it – it’s almost like he’s trying to hide behind it (which makes sense) but he wraps his arms around it (which doesn’t), thus providing the killer with a clear target. But it’s the only kill in the movie in between the first and last 5 minutes, so I won’t complain.

Anyway, if you liked those other movies I mentioned, you’ll probably enjoy this one, but otherwise I’d steer clear. It’s different, and of better quality than I expected (the lady that runs the orphanage is an Oscar winner!), but the strange approach of exploring exploitative/Grindhouse plot elements with a PG attitude keeps it from being a true lost classic.

What say you?


PLEASE, GO ON...

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