SEPTEMBER 8, 2007
Also known as "That Frankenstein movie that stars Sting for some goddamn reason", The Bride is another one of those films where I wasn't sure if it was even a horror or not. Sure, it's a re-telling of the Frankenstein story, but the description referred to it as a drama about feminism (!!!). However, the opening scene, which assumes everyone knows the Frankenstein story by now and simply begins with Frank making a bride for his Monster, has blood, a crazy head that babbles, and some makeup effects, so I think it will do for this.
You gotta appreciate a fairly unique take on the story, which is a minor remake of Bride of Frankenstein. While Frank (renamed Charles for some goddamn reason) teaches the Bride (named Eva) how to talk, eat properly, and read Shakespeare, the Monster (Clancy Brown, great as always) teams up with a midget to steal from churches and join a circus. These scenes are vastly more interesting than the ones with Sting and Jennifer Beals, since A. they aren't very good actors and B. come off as a gothic version of My Fair Lady a bit too often for my tastes.
Also the opening credits promise Cary Elwes, but he doesn't show up until about halfway through, around the time Beals hilariously shrieks at the sight of a cat ("I thought it was a tiny lion."). Elwes plays the same sort of vague non-villain he always does, and oddly disappears without any sort of conclusion to his character arc a few scenes later. You don't fucking do that to Wesley!
There's also some other totally dropped plot threads, such as The Monster and Eva's apparent psychic link, which seemingly comes and goes at random. I never understood things like this in a film. You have to assume that other scenes concerning these subplots were filmed and then dropped, but doesn't anyone involved with the production ever notice that as a result, their film looks unfocused and incomplete? If a half asleep asshole who has trouble following the plot of Heroes can notice, everyone should!
Still, the film offers two delightful bonuses. One is a great twist on the "Monster meets a blind man" scene that seemingly finds its way into every Frankenstein movie, and the other is full frontal nudity (and an ass shot) of a female character in a PG-13 film!!! Hey-o!
What say you?