Scarecrow

AUGUST 4, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

What possesses people to make a movie as asstacular as Scarecrow? Granted they probably all made a few bucks, but they can do that by robbing a bank. It’s probably less of a crime than asking people, even those who watch one every day, to sit through their god awful slasher movie.

Like many of the other terrible slasher movies of late, this one started pissing me off with the opening credits (I’ll forgive the full-frame/stereo sound transfer since the budget was reportedly only 250,000 dollars). In addition to giving 20+ people their own solo credit (the cast alone takes up 2+ minutes of the credit sequence), there is also a bizarre “songs by” credit for the ten or so bands who contributed a (bad) song to the film? Can you imagine if like, Dazed and Confused or High Fidelity did such a thing? Again, these things are for the END CREDITS. Christ.

After a while, the credit sequence finally ends (with the music literally cutting short as soon as we fade from the director credit to the actual goddamn movie) and we begin the film proper, which is just as awful. For starters, it employs the “kid gets picked on and exacts revenge” story. Now, I have no problems with this set up in theory; while I hate seeing the kid get picked on, it just makes it all the more satisfying when he gets back at them later. BUT, there are two huge problems with its usage here. For starters, the “kid” is like 40 years old. I’d probably pick on him too, why the hell is he still in high school? And second, the bullies are so ridiculously over the top and vile that it becomes impossible to believe they are even human for a second. Even the teacher calls his mom a whore! Come on! All of the other bullies are equally ridiculous, some even say things like “Have a nice trip, see you next fall”. At one point, we see a few little kids, probably future bullies, and one of them goes “Let’s go find a small animal to torture.” Like everyone else in the movie, they are just walking stereotypes, saying things aloud that no human being would ever actually say. Plus, half the people he kills never did him any harm, so he loses what little sympathy he had anyway.

But the script isn’t the only problem, there’s also the hilarious evidence of an inept production. We have the school’s “sign” out front which is literally just a super imposed graphic on the screen (one that doesn’t even jitter along with the camerawork), obvious dummy bodies for the kill scenes, a cop with an orange tipped gun, etc. Now, I honestly don’t care if a film has mistakes (Halloween has plenty) as long as the script is good and everyone seems to be trying, but neither applies to this pile of shit.

The best thing the movie achieves is homaging Devil Times Five, with a finale set almost entirely in slo-mo. But even then, where Dx5 was just trying to pad its running time to feature length, Scarecrow would have still clocked in at 80 or so without this, so it’s a moot point.

And then, finally, validation for watching the whole thing, and possible proof that the creators are either mentally challenged or simply just joking around. The film ends (confusingly), and then we get a full screen credit: “This film is dedicated to Dario Argento”. Dario is not dead, and there is absolutely nothing in the film that even suggests anyone involved has actually ever even SEEN an Argento film, let alone inspired them to make a movie like this, which just makes it all the more amazing.

But then I watched the extra features, and no one seems to be joking around (though at least Tiffany Shepis, who’s also the only good thing in the movie, seems to have a sense of humor about this nonsense). So I have to assume they really think they made a good movie, or at least, one that’s supposed to be taken seriously. Yeah well no.

How is allowing Spanish folks the opportunity to follow the plot a ‘special feature’???

I don't know what else I could say about this thing... except seriously, the fucking guy looks older than the chick playing his mom! What the fuck kind of casting decision was this???

What say you?