The Eves (2011)

MARCH 17, 2012

GENRE: BREAKDOWN, SURVIVAL
SOURCE: CABLE (CHILLER)

People keep asking why I want to quit Horror Movie A Day, and I explain that I’m tired of writing the same things over and over, because at this point most of what I watch are just pale imitations of earlier movies. So in a weird way, I want to thank The Eves for existing, because I can think of no better example of a movie in which I could literally copy and paste parts from 20 or so reviews of other movies and call it a review of this film. No one would be able to tell the difference.

Every single beat and plot point in this film was used elsewhere, to the point where it’s almost comical. Carload of teens driving in unfamiliar territory, check. Cop who tells them about an out of the way place where they can get help for their car trouble, check. Place that turns out to be creepy and possibly the home of a killer or killers who prey on out of town idiots, check. And it keeps on going, stealing bits from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wrong Turn, Hills Have Eyes, and probably every other movie in the “breakdown” category. Worse, it takes forever to get to that point, as the teens break the cinematic record for fake scaring one another and dicking around (literally and figuratively; pretty much all of them get it it on at one point or another), keeping our first kill confined to the movie's 2nd half, by which point any sane person will have already come to hate them all.

The only variation is the killer’s motive, which is based on creepy “I’m doing God’s work” stuff and contains the usual bible quotes that “justify” their actions. But even that is stolen from Frailty, so it’s only “different” in that they’re stealing from a different sub-genre of horror. And even if you haven’t seen Frailty, would that be enough to justify the pointless, creativity-free hour or so before this is revealed? Consider this as the movie goes back to ripping off Chainsaw, with our hysterical final girl seeking aid from a supposed ally only for him to drive her right back to the house of horrors she just escaped. Oh The Eves, is there any idea you won’t recycle from a movie that a viewer would rather be watching?

So that’s why I’m quitting next year. In fact, this is the actual end of my review, as I refuse to spend any time coming up with new things to say about a film that couldn’t be bothered to do the same.

What say you?

15 comments:

  1. You're a badass, B.C. And I'm sincere when I say that. It sucks that you'll be shutting things down soon, but I get it.

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  2. I know you're not doing a movie a day, but will you do them once a month, or every October, or something like that? Or just be writing exclusively at Bloody Disgusting?

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  3. I barely write anything for B-D now because I can't stand the readers over there. I'll be reviewing whatever I see and feel like reviewing here, and then I'll be continuing (expanding?) my output at Badass Digest.

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  4. My first comment ever here. Thank you for your great site and dedication. I will be sad to see you quit HMAD, but I understand fully.

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  5. Will definitely be sad to see this site go when the time comes, but can understand your reasoning. So much dreck out there.

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  6. Maybe switch to 'horror movie a week'?

    Man, I'm gonna miss this place.

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  7. I've never commented before, but I've been lurking around here for a while. I'll miss this site, but it's totally understandable. Even the most devoted fan can only watch so many horror movies before they get burned out:) Best of luck!

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  8. Why WOULDN'T you want to stop? I'll miss the daily reviews, but man it's got to be such a grind. I can't believe you've done it as long as you have, it's pretty awesome.

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  9. I get why you need to quit, but I really hope you don't disappear totally. I may not always agree about which films are great, or sucked, but I enjoy the reviews here as much as I do slogging through Netflix's horror section looking for a diamond in the rough.

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  10. I love this place. Please don't disappear on us completely, 'cause man, this is one of the best sources for leads on horror films I haven't seen, and explanations for ones I need some of the WTF explained.

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  11. Reading the same thing over again is better than nothing at all IMO... And there's so many of them anyways I watch 5-6 on a normal day and about 10 on weekends so,,,

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  12. I liked how the killers weren't female phrases and I liked the phrase, "prepare to be delivered". I'm new here. It's a shame you're leaving. - G.G.

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  13. I liked how the killers weren't female and I really liked the phrase, "prepare to be delivered". It's a shame you're leaving. I'm new here.

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  14. Since I have an extremely limited background as far as movies seen are concerned, I can justifiably say that I-liked-this-film.... Not the first time, but after watching several times and being able to enlarge views/ reverse/fast forward, etc. I do not have a television hook-up, but I do have some old dvd's/VHF's to go through and this movie was one of those. Maybe after I get to see all the movies this was supposedly ripped from I will be able to use your comments about repetitive rip-offs regarding those movies.

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