FEBRUARY 13, 2010
Blockbuster Online has a real problem when it comes to titles that have been used more than once. So I wasn’t too surprised to see that the Blood Sisters I got wasn’t the one I queued, but since I had queued the one from Roberta Findlay, long before I watched the atrocious Prime Evil, I didn’t mind too much - it’s not like the other one held much promise, in future-retrospect.
But it DID promise “Lesbian ghost hookers” (per the IMDb), which I think I’d prefer to the “REALLY light lesbian, largely unattractive vampire college girls” that this version offered. Since the plot is very thin, the movie has a pretty hefty amount of padding, the bulk of which are a couple of vampire girls writhing around trying to look sexy, and occasionally they paw at each other (and to be fair, at one point one of them licks another’s nipple, but it’s covered in blood, so it’s hardly titillating). What their presumed lesbianism has to do with anything, I have no idea, but I guess I should give the movie some faint praise for finding girls who were willing to spend half the movie naked when the budget couldn’t have been more than 1200 bucks or so.
I base this assumption on the fact that 85% of it takes place in what looks a lot like my own apartment, or in a very Los Angeles-y looking garage despite the fact that it all takes place at a college (a very large one, I assume, since at one point a girl tells her friend to meet her “in between the English and history buildings” - do math and art get their own buildings too? How about recess?). And nothing happens in the entire movie that would seemingly cost money beyond what was required to buy tapes to shoot it and maybe toss the girls a few bucks for their trouble. So yeah, it’s basically a porn, but without the sex. Just writhing. There’s also an extended scene of the heroine putting her stuff into the closet when she moves into her dorm room. Seriously, for like 90 seconds we watch her hang clothes and place stuff on the top shelf, as if we gave a rat’s ass. And she caps it off with an exaggerated “phew!” and brow-wiping combo, as if she was Goofy and all the stuff was about to fly back out at her or something.
It also features some of the absolute worst actors I have seen, even when I factor in the “no budget” handicap. None of them ever bother to pause in between their lines, so when someone says “I killed your boyfriend!” the other girl says “Oh no!” before any normal person would even have time to process what they just heard. This of course leads to some hilarious moments (like later on, when she stakes the boyfriend-killer, who shouts “I thought we were friends!” in a mostly annoyed voice, and again, practically as soon as the stake pierces her skin instead of as a dying final gasp a few moments later), but it doesn’t make the movie worth watching for the “So bad it’s good” factor, because these moments are few and far between.
Hilariously, it’s also presented in 3D if you wish. I did not wish, and even if I did, it seemed to be in the same process as Zombie Chronicles, which I do not have the glasses for anyway. Also, the 3D seems to just be an angle choice - the friggin “alternate angle available” icon was on my screen for the entire movie - I ultimately just stretched the full frame film out to 16:9 so it wouldn’t burn into my screen. Incidentally, this film was directed by Joe Castro, who provided the FX for Chronicles (which were the only good thing about that movie). However, as a director, I have to say I’m not impressed - he was also responsible for the horrendous Terror Toons, though at least that movie DID have some of that “SBIG” flair that this one is often lacking. The best bad part of this movie (besides the aforementioned off-key line readings) comes near the very end, when the wise vampire expert makes the heroine buy his book (for 10 bucks instead of the usual 15) and then proceeds to tell her everything she needs to know anyway. Coulda saved 10 bucks, honey. And I’m sure the scene, in which the camera never moves and no one really does anything, would have been so much better in 3D.
Hopefully Findlay’s will be better after all.
What say you?