FEBRUARY 10, 2009
Some days just work out pretty goddamn great for me. I was running behind this morning, so I didn’t have time to watch a movie before work. As a result, I was going to have to skip on Grindhouse night at the New Bev, as neither of the scheduled films were horror, and thus going wouldn’t leave me any time for a movie. Plus, I’m fucking broke, so the extra travel, ticket, and beer (a necessity) were going to stretch my budget. But the 2nd film’s print broke, so they had put Vampire Hookers in its place. AND, I got home and discovered that for the first time since moving to LA, I didn’t owe money for taxes, and would actually be getting a sizable refund to boot.
(And my traditional drive home donut was quite delicious!)
The movie, of course, was hardly Oscar worthy. In fact, it (unsurprisingly) belongs to that vaunted group of films that can and should only be watched in a revival theater. There’s something about a guy inexplicably jumping into a coffin, sticking a tube in his mouth, and then coming down with a serious case of flatulence that demands 40 foot projection and no less than 40-50 other folks going “What in the FUCK is going on?”
That guy, by the way, is none other than Vic Diaz, who also appeared in Raw Force, the alpha and omega of this kind of wonderful/terrible movie. He’s sort of a Renfield character here. He really wants to be a vampire, and even practices doing things like holding his cape up in front of his face. He also jerks off to his own reflection, something that I assume would be a problem should he ever join the undead.
Also, the movie “stars” John Carradine as the lead vampire. Anyone familiar with their shitty 60s-70s horror knows precisely what that means - he pops up every now and then doing something hilarious (in this case, its claiming that both Shakespeare and Walt Whitman were vampires), and obviously shot all of his scenes in a day or two. Though his role is certainly larger than it was in say, Red Zone Cuba, he fails to sing the theme song, so it’s not a better deal.
The movie DOES have a theme song though, and I have posted it below in lieu of a trailer. I really don’t understand why more, or even all, movies don’t have their own theme songs. Look what it’s done for the Bond films. When I think about the songs that delight me the most (in an ironic way, obviously), a lot of them are themes from horror movies. "My Bloody Valentine", "Shocker" (or "Shockdance"), "He’s Back (The Man Behind The Mask)", "Poultrygeist".... I can now add “Vampire Hookers” to that list - the song caps off what was already a wonderfully batshit movie in the best possible way.
This movie has a 10 minute orgy scene. I actually dozed off during it, woke up (someone punched me awake - thank you!) and it was still on. Of course, a lot of the footage was recycled, and was likely meant to pad out the running time. It certainly wasn’t very graphic (it’s mostly a lot of kissing and rolling around), I don’t even think I saw a pubic patch. I DID see tanlines on the vampires though (think about it), which just proves what kind of movie you’re dealing with here.
Another bit of delightfulness - the movie (sort of) revolves around a pair of guys looking to find their captain or corporal or whatever (they’re all sailors), who has disappeared after taking off with a hooker. The captain guy looks EXACTLY like Will Ferrell in his “Lovers” costume - you remember, the SNL sketch with him and Rachel Dratch talking about their public and often disturbing lovemaking habits. Since the movie has a great number of tranny hookers and sex in inappropriate locations (coffins), I found this quite fitting, and I wouldn’t even be completely surprised if Ferrell had seen the movie and subconsciously drew inspiration for the character from it (there’s no way in hell anyone, even someone as random as me, would intentionally reference Vampire Hookers).
Oh, and someone actually says “Follow that cab!”, which prompted me and several others to cheer. Cabs are the focal point of a running gag in the movie; they keep taking off after our characters ask them to wait. Since they never actually pay their fares, I am guessing that the Filipino taxi industry had a tough fiscal year when this movie took place.
As I write this review, I notice that it’s a lot easier to write when I am sober(ish) for the movie. Usually I drink during the first movie/intermission, so that by the time the 2nd one rolls around, I’m pretty out of it (or just stone cold asleep for half of it). But as I was stuck at work until 830 and thus missed all but the final two reels of Movie #1 (something called The Muthers, starring the beautiful Jayne Kennedy), I was pretty alert for Hookers. I’m not saying it’s preferable, just an observation. As always though, I will leave it to Tall F-in Joe to fill in some noteworthy details I may have missed.
I can’t say I would recommend the movie for home audiences - it’s slow, the comedy doesn’t work (not intentionally anyway), and there’s a severe lack of vampire action until the final 10 minutes. But if it, for whatever reason, plays at your local revival theater, by all means drop everything* and go at once.
What say you?
*Not if you’re holding a small child, however. Place him/her down gently, THEN run to the bijou.