FEBRUARY 4, 2008
I know a guy who, no exaggeration, likes any horror movie in which the female lead is hot. It’s literally all it takes for him to enjoy the movie. Not that this is uncommon (I’m pretty sure Sophia Bush makes up for 90% of my Hitcher enjoyment), but with him there is literally no exception to the rule. For proof, I will offer that he even likes Captivity. So it’s probably a foregone conclusion that he will love The Eye, starring the admittedly hot but utterly boring Jessica Alba.
Like some of her peers (but to the extreme degree), Alba would best be used as a model. Her presence doesn’t exactly send moviegoers flocking to the theater (were you one of the 12 people that saw Awake or Into The Blue?), and for good reason: she can’t act worth a shit. The only somewhat decent performance she ever turned in was in Idle Hands, because she was required to be the dream girl and nothing else. But pity the poor sod that has to direct her in a film where she has any sort of dramatic arc to play, because it’s clearly just not in her repertoire. However, if she’s on the cover of Maxim, the issue will sell out.
But even someone who COULD act probably couldn’t save this dull bore of a film. Granted, seeing the original didn’t help, since it barely changes a damn thing (more on that later) and even copies the damn blocking and camerawork from the original on a few key scenes. Hell, even my wife, who probably got a bit tense during Troll, only jumped once in the entire film. If they can’t even scare HER with their film, then they have truly failed.
As for the changes to the original, there are only two worth noting. One, the specialist guy who helps out the girl is kind of a dick in this one. Alessandro Nivola (always a welcome addition to a film) plays the guy, and you half expect him to just punch Alba in the face a few times, since he’s so clearly annoyed by her constant whining (or horrible acting). But he also plays the role admirably half-assed, as if he was as bored as we were (though he’s also clearly amused by some of his dialogue, making it all the more entertaining). Kudos to Nivola for making the film watchable (Parker Posey should have fallen in this category too, but while she looks good, she has absolutely nothing to do).
The other major change is the ending. Like the original, Sydney sees an accident about to occur, and tries to warn everyone off. But here she succeeds. Everyone lives, “yay”! Not a single person doubts the crazy woman running around the highway telling them to get out of their cars. In the original, NO ONE believed her, and they all died. Not only is this a much better ending from an asshole’s point of view, but it also gave the film a bittersweet coda – the girl finally understood what it was like for the eye’s previous owner to have this gift and not be able to help anyone with it. But that’s all gone now, and Alba’s hammy final narration (sprinkled throughout the film, and she can’t even do that well) sounds like it was taken from the Daredevil script with all the “blindness is a blessing and a curse” nonsense.
So it’s not scary, it doesn’t have much of a moral, and the acting is either bad or bored. Is there anything to recommend? Yeah, there’s a fucking GREAT Dark Knight trailer attached. Check it out. Otherwise, no, there isn’t, unless you haven’t seen the original. Or you’re that guy.
What say you?