Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)

JUNE 9, 2007

GENRE: SUPERNATURAL (I guess?)
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

10 American dollars to whoever can explain what a Hellseeker is (you OWE me ten if you say 'one who seeks hell') and what it has to do with this movie.

The funny thing about that subtitle is, I sat in the video store and called up 2 or 3 friends who I thought would either know or be near a computer so they could check to see if Hellraiser: Hellseeker was the 6th or 7th film in the series (as you know, numbers implies sequel, and the geniuses at Dimension would like an undiscerning viewer to think this was a stand alone film, despite many references to characters from the first two films that mean nothing to you unless you're a fan). Because the last one I saw was part 5 (Inferno) and didn't want to go out of sequence and watch 7 before 6. None of them answered, so I took the risk, and checked when I got home. I lucked out: this WAS indeed part 6, part 7 is titled Deader. Phew! Glad it all worked out. I'd hate to watch 7 first and have this one spoiled. What's that? None of the latter day Hellraiser sequels have a goddamn thing to do with anything at all, let alone each other? Oh.

Indeed, like many of the Dimension era Hellraiser sequels, this was a totally unrelated script that they bought and (sort of) shoehorned Pinhead into it. Ashley Laurence returns for a minute or so as Kirsty, thus providing the only other weak tie to the franchise. Look, all the usual Dimension culprits are on hand (Joel Soisson, Rick Bota, Mike Leahy) so you know what you're in for. Strangely, Patrick Lussier is nowhere to be found.

The rest of the movie is about some douchebag who fucks every woman he sees and eventually pays for it. OK, fine, I like watching a guy fuck his acupuncturist (with needles still sticking out all over his chest) as much as the next guy. But look, why rip off Jacob's Ladder so much that the 'surprise' ending becomes painfully obvious five minutes in? At least Jacob's had the good sense to ground the film in reality to begin with and slowly turn nightmarish. Here, shit is baffling from the getgo, leaving the film no other options (other than "wow, that was one badly edited movie") for a conclusion.

The CG in this film is pretty impressive, in that it's amazing anyone allowed it to be seen by an audience. There's an eel out of the mouth gag (which was done better in Wind Chill, which is a phrase no one ever thought would be uttered) where the CG artist couldn't be bothered to even TRY to match the color or film stock on the damn thing. It's like when you draw an arrow on a picture using Microsoft Paint - THAT's how "seamlessly blended" it is.

Even the DVD itself is annoying. In the extra features menu, there's a choice for 'extended' scenes. You click on this option, and you get the following options on the menu: Commentary On/Off; Scene 1, Next, Main. Clicking next gives you the other two scenes and Play All. What the fuck kind of submenu offers you more choices for other bullshit than it does for its titular content??? As Dr. Malcolm McDowell Loomis would yell: "Christ!"

What say you?