Non Canon Review: Jason Goes To Hell

FRIDAY THE 13th, APRIL 2007

GENRE: POSSESSION, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

To be honest, Jason Goes To Hell is not a qualifying movie at all (so it will be a called a "Non Canon Review"). In fact, I watched the hell out of it as a kid (it was the first, and technically last, Friday movie I saw in theaters, since I do not count Freddy vs Jason). But since I had not seen it in about 10 years, and the DVD is an ‘unrated’ version, I decided to give it a go for the "holiday". However, I didn’t notice anything different in plot, so it must have been gore snippets. Say what you will about the film, at least it was gory, unlike the 99% bloodless last two entries.

The most hilarious (or sad) aspect of the New Line era Jason films (and for this I’ll count FvJ) is how little concern they had for any sort of continuity with the previous entries. JGTH does not follow from VIII, Jason X does not follow from JGTH, and FvJ does not follow from Jason X. At least in the Paramount films Jason would always be where he “died” at the end of the previous film, and his resurrection would be explained (lightning, electricity, telekinesis, etc). But at the beginning of this movie, Jason is not a naked child at the bottom of a sewer that has been flooded with toxic waste. Indeed, he’s just regular Jason, prowling around Crystal Lake. And then neither Jason X nor Freddy vs Jason ever acknowledge his whole “going to Hell” deal. The only way to even approach continuity is to assume that the boat/NY parts of VIII never happened, and instead after Jim and Suzie resurrected him, he stuck around and fought Freddy. Afterwards, Freddy went off to die on his own and Jason either went to hell or space, and the other one never happened. Sort of like a choose your own adventure, only more confusing and less educational (Don’t forget: Spies can be found inside every national monument across the globe).

But really, does it matter? No. Anyone who cares this much about horror film continuity would have committed suicide after watching H20, which features characters watching Scream, a film in which characters watch Halloween. It’s like a moebius strip made out of Fangoria fold out posters.

Anyway, this film is the best of the New Line entries, but that is saying exactly nothing at all. It’s somewhat admirable that they tried to do something different with the series (though why they’d bother for the supposedly final entry is beyond me), but they could have at least done so in a manner that actually put Jason onscreen for more than 10 minutes of the film. This film came out 4 years after VIII (the longest gap in releasing a Friday film ever at that point), which means they had at least 3 years of people bitching “he’s only in New York for the last 20 minutes!”. Fans clearly take their titles seriously. And yes, Jason did indeed go to hell (which is located a few feet below ground), but he didn’t do much else. They even had to go back after test screenings and add a scene of some kids in the woods getting killed during sex (note: this sequence features a magic condom that finds its way out of a sealed tent and into the woods) so people would recognize it as a Friday movie!

Not that it’s a total mess. There are some great kills, and some nice homages to both the series (note the manner in which Jessica grabs Jason at the end) and other, better, horror films (The Thing, Creepshow, The Birds). There’s also a shot during the climactic battle that looks like it is copying the HBO Feature Presentation thing from the 80s. So there’s something. There’s even some light homoeroticism: the possessed morgue doctor strips, ties up, and then shaves a cop he’s about to pass the Jason demon thing onto (this scene ranks as the most baffling in the film and possibly the entire series).

It’s ironic that Kane Hodder is known as Jason and yet starred in the 4 worst entries of the entire series (I’m once again ignoring FvJ). He’s an OK Jason, but the films he’s stuck in range from bad at best to terrible at worst. Sort of like Pierce Brosnan: Great Bond, bad Bond films. But I’m guessing Kane won’t be starring in Matador 2.

Harry Manfredini’s score for the earlier films was solid, if repetitive, but at this point he should have just been replaced. The score in this film is god awful, consisting entirely of stings and random piano slamming. At one point the score just goes “duhm!” everytime our lame ass hero (the guy from the unrelated TV series) gets slammed into a wall or floorboard.

Like the other New Line entries, the DVD at least tops Paramount’s DVDs by actually including extras and not putting two movies on the same side of the same disc. However, it is wrapped in Annoyo-Package™ (where there are three adhesive seals, one on each edge of the case, all without the little non-sticky ‘pull’ tab. Yeah, because clearly Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday is on top of every thieves’ wish-list, you gotta protect that shit!), so it will take you longer to open the goddamn thing than it will to go through the disc.

What say you?

(Note - I’ll be watching another movie later, but I felt I had to honor the “holiday” by watching the only film in the series I hadn’t bothered re-watching since I was old enough to drive).

PLEASE, GO ON...

Devil Times Five

APRIL 12, 2007

GENRE: KILLER KID, WEIRD
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK!)

Lovely: “Have you ever had a woman?”
Ralph: “I had a mother and two sisters but they got smushed by a bus.”

Well there you have it folks, possibly the least touching memory of a lost loved one in the history of cinema. To be fair, I should point out that the character is retarded. To be snarky, I should point out that the character is played by the film’s writer.

(Actually, kudos to the writer for writing himself as an idiot. It paved the way for Fright Reviews.)

You might have noticed that one of the quoted character’s names is “Lovely” (and she is. By far one of the hottest tramps I’ve ever seen in a 1970’s film about killer kids) There’s also another character named Papa Doc, but every time it’s said it sounds like Duck. Sadly, everyone else in the film has normal names like Brian and Harvey. There’s also a character named George who never appears in the film. Leif Garrett’s character blames him for a murder, and no one seems to question it. Maybe he’s the guy from Cathy’s Curse.

Devil Times Five is, of course, one of many 70s films (many in the public domain!) that I have been watching with increasing frequency, and by God I hope I never run out of them. I dunno what it is about this era, but between this, yesterday’s Cathy’s Curse, and last week’s The Manitou, I haven’t been this entertained with horror movies in years.

Fans of the film are well aware that the film had a troubled production (the first cut ran less than 40 minutes, so another director was brought in months later to pad the film to an acceptable running time), and enough has been written (mocked) about the resulting problems, so I won’t bother. Who cares if different actors appear to play characters we have barely seen thus far, or if entire scenes are played in slow motion (4 frames per second) to pad the time, or if it’s easier to just point out continuity non-errors? Why should we be confused when a character is woken up by a persistent "dumb car horn", only to get dressed, go downstairs and watch the car pull up to the house?

Or why should we know what the hell this is?

But there is still no excuse for the credits running as long as they do. At the SEVEN minute mark we’re only at the music by credit. And this isn’t some sort of Bond style thing where there’s an opening sequence followed by credits, no, they just run at a snail’s pace right from the get-go, finally finishing up around the time the first reel ends.

Actually, no, I gotta know: What the FUCK is this???

Quick question: Has anyone ever given you this excuse for not wanting to fool around? “I have a toothache, a backache, and I’m expecting the gout.” I would like to think this inane line was taken from life and not just some completely bizarre nonsense the writer came up with on his own.

The end is left for a sequel (instead of “The End”, we cleverly get “The Beginning”), which we sadly never got. Devil Times Six (or perhaps Devil Divided By Five) would definitely be welcome in my home. Perhaps Leif Garrett can take time out of getting arrested to film half of the sequel with long hair and the other half with short hair badly hidden by a wig.

Despite all of its problems, however, I walked away from the film having learned this important fact: “Lousy maniac drivers don’t deserve medals!”

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Tripper

APRIL 11, 2007

GENRE: COMEDIC, SLASHER
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (PREMIERE)

Why isn’t The Tripper amazing? A guy in a Reagan mask hacking up hippies?? That is possibly the best plot you can write that doesn’t involve asteroids or oil drillers, and yet it was only OK at best. Oddly, it was the 2nd movie I’ve seen this week that involved a guy in a Reagan mask committing crimes (“The FBI is going to pay me to surf?”). I smell sub-genre.

Strangely, it’s the scenes that DON’T involve the Reagan killer that serve as the best parts of the film. Tom Jane and Paul Reubens single-(double?) handedly save the film from being tossed in the “Crap” genre. Nearly everything Reubens says is laugh out loud hilarious, and Jane is great because his character, like me, finds hippies to be annoying and stupid.

However, Arquette’s piss poor direction kills all of the kill scenes (pun lazily intended), with zero suspense, bizarre gaps in the story (where the hell does Jamie King get that hammer?), and an overall half-assedness in the proceedings. Granted, the comedy angle is the film’s real draw, and other than the idea alone, there isn’t much you can do to make 20 different murders funny, so perhaps he just figured he should get them out of the way quickly and get back to Tom Jane yelling at hippies. But still, it would have been nice to have a decent chase scene or something. If it wasn’t for the gore and some nicely done staging during the final battle (there's also a nice massacre scene, but it's stolen from Freddy vs Jason, and if you need to steal from THAT insufferable pile of shit, you got problems), I would be hard-pressed to consider this horror at all. Besides, the film already lost points in the horror nerd community for misspelling “Freddy” on the poster.

Still, I DO want the film to succeed, as the planned sequel will involve Jane’s character going to Burning Man (!!!) and taking on a guy in a Bush mask killing the idiots that go to that shithole. So ignore everything I said and go see it.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Cathy's Curse (1977)

APRIL 10, 2007

GENRE: GHOST, KILLER KID, POSSESSION
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK!)

The purchase of my 50 movies for 20 bucks set that has provided this blog with several (disappointing) entries was single-handedly validated with Cathy's Curse (aka Cauchemares). I’d have gladly forked over the entire 20 for this movie alone.

Not that it’s any good, mind you. But it simply must be seen to be believed.

First of all, the writer’s use of profanity is simply unparalleled. The words (primarily “bitch” and “shit”) come spewing with such venom and hatred (mostly out of the mouth of the eponymous Cathy, a 7 year old girl) that nearly every line becomes a ‘memorable quotes’-worthy classic. My personal favorite comes about halfway through the film, when a medium is attempting to rid Cathy of her curse. The understandably angry Cathy responds “Medium?!? I’d say EXTRA RARE PIECE OF SHIT!” Whether you’re a 7 year old girl possessed by the ghost of your dead aunt or not, what the hell kind of thing is that to say to someone? I have no idea, but I love him for writing it.

It makes one wish the entire script consisted of only unnecessarily mean-spirited profanity, especially when other lines, such as “You and I both know I had a nervous breakdown!” come rolling around. There are also bafflingly odd moments sprinkled throughout, such as when Cathy breaks a vase. The maid is cleaning up, she picks up two (of about a hundred) pieces and says “There, it’s all done” and leaves the rest of the mess on the floor. Not to mention cinema’s least subtle foreshadowing ever (“I should oil this door, it sticks. Someone could get trapped up there”).

To equal the inane script, director Eddy Matalon keeps things baffling with his stubborn refusal to ever film a single establishing shot throughout the entire film. We come and go into scenes with nary an explanation of where we are, how much later is, and, in the most extreme case, who the fuck we are even looking at (1:07 into the film: A man is shown walking out of a house and into his car. We’ve never seen him before, we never see him again). Some scenes are broken up by quickly cutting to others, like when two characters are investigating a dead dog and we slam cut to the dog’s owner giving a solemn soliloquy for a few seconds, then cut right back to the investigation. As Tom Servo once said: “The movie that delivers more 'huh?'s per second!” He also fails to hide his obvious shortcuts, such as when Cathy almost drowns. She is shown being in what is obviously deep water in underwater closeup, but when her dad saves her, we cut to a wide shot and the water isn’t even up to his waist.

I plan to buy this movie again on its own DVD (which, in keeping with the film’s bizarrely incoherent tone, features a leather clad vixen on the cover that in no way has anything to do with the film). Not only would I be proud to have it displayed along with my collection (since I am OCD and thus all DVDs are alphabetical, I believe it would be sandwiched between Candyman and Child’s Play, to give it a touch of class), but the quality is the absolute worst I have seen on this budget set. It honestly looks like a theater shot video bootleg. The compression is so bad that whenever the camera moves, everything turns into mush. It basically looks like someone placed the Smear filter from After Effects over the whole movie. It’s also scratched to hell, and strangely, the first 20 minutes or so have the letters SC imbedded in the corner (strange because the company responsible for the DVD is Mill Creek). Dammit Mill Creek, this goddamn pinnacle of ineptitude deserves better!

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Bad Dreams (1988)

APRIL 9, 2007

GENRE: CULT, SLASHER (?)
SOURCE: CABLE (FLIX)

Why must almost every movie that features group therapy have a character who pretends to be the shrink upon meeting the film's hero(ine), fooling them until the real doctor comes in??? Was this idea EVER considered interesting or clever?

Anyway, Bad Dreams might have gotten tossed into the "Crap" genre if it wasn't for a brief moment in the final scene that made the movie worth watching. It's a moment that, taken out of context, wouldn't mean much, but after sitting thru 80 minutes or so of extremely half-assed storytelling, suspense, etc, the moment sums the movie up perfectly. Even though this site is designed to discuss the movie openly, as if everyone has seen it, I still feel it shouldn't be spoiled. It's a reaction shot of the detective, and that's all I will say.

One of the problems (there are many) with the movie is that the whole 'Bad Dreams' angle is highly under utilized. In fact, I think there were only 3 dream sequences in the whole film, and one wasn't even the dream of the main character. And the first death, while Freddy-ish in some ways, sets up a cool premise: the final girl dreams that someone drowns, and they in fact drown almost simultaneously. But that's the only time they use the gimmick, from then on she's wide awake (sometimes just a few feet away) while the ghost of her cult leader offs her therapy support group one by one.

Sadly, rather than go with this not incredibly original but still entertaining idea, they decide to provide a rational explanation for the entire movie: that a scheming doctor has been giving them pills to make them go even more mental and in turn commit suicide. Ho hum. There's also a few lines too completely inane to even laugh at, such as when Rubin asks what a psychiatrist is.

The cast is a who's who of 80s cinema: Jennifer Rubin from Nightmare 3, Bruce Abbott from Re-Animator, the guy who played Chainsaw in Summer School, etc. The director has gone on to make Dick and The Craft (thanks pal) and writer Steven E. DeSouza of course went on to write/direct Street Fighter (a film that received my all time favorite Entertainment Weekly review: "Written with a crayon, directed with a baseball bat, and edited with a chainsaw.").

I'm guessing the film is left off of most resumés.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Reaping

APRIL 8, 2007

GENRE: RELIGIOUS
SOURCE: THEATER (REGULAR SCREENING)

Happy Easter everyone. I hope you all celebrated as I did, by watching The Reaping, a horror movie with a priest being immolated and lots of "God doesn't exist" talk. I know, its not quite as spiritual as hiding a colored egg, but I made an effort dammit!

The first hour or so is actually pretty good (for a Dark Castle movie), playing out like a big screen X-Files movie (not THE X-Files movie, which played out like deleted scenes from a bad episode of X-Files for the most part), with Swank as Scully and Idris Elba as Mulder (if Mulder was a street punk sporting a bunch of bullet wound scars). Eventually though, Swank has no choice but to BELIEVE! and then the movie begins to unravel, And then, like almost all Dark Castle movies, the end spirals completely out of control and it becomes a bunch of nonsense, and then quite Omenously sets up a sequel.

If anyone can understand what purpose Steven Rea serves in the film, they are a better man than I, and an even better woman. He sees some fiery photos, he makes a phone call or two with warnings that are basically ignored, and then he burns to death. Thanks for stopping by, Steve.

For a genre arm, Dark Castle is not as abysmal as Ghost House or Screen Gems, but close. Their remakes are OK, with 2005's Tourist Trap remake faring best. But their originals (to recap: Gothika, Ghost Ship, and this) pale in comparison, although this is by far the best of those three (and it's worth noting that this was written by the same guys who wrote the Tourist Trap remake). In fact, it falls just shy of being "good", but it just seems like the writers got lazy after an hour or so, or Joel Silver just got impatient, and it was decided to get this one over with ASAP. Which is kind of a shame, because, much like Emily Rose, it's at it's most interesting when giving the audience both a spiritual and scientific explanation for everything and letting you wonder for yourself if you believe it or not. Once we are given irrefutable proof that it is indeed a 'miracle', it loses its most interesting angle.

But for the grace of God, none other than William Ragsdale shows up in this film, and you gotta love that. Where the hell you been, Bill? Fright Night 3 ain't gonna happen anytime soon, get off your ass and show up in more movies!

Whenever an A list star (or a just plain lazy one) is asked about their favorite horror movies, the answers are almost always "The Exorcist and Rosemary's Baby" (The Shining and Silence of the Lambs get thrown in now and then too). Which must be why so many religious themed horror films get made and why they attract bigger and better than average stars for horror films. It's just a shame so many of them disappoint. Hopefully a DVD of this film will feature more story points, since I find it hard to believe that Swank would sign on to the film based on the script of the finished product. I mean, she was in The Core for christ's sake; the girl's got taste.

And for the 8247th time this year, the goddamn Invisible trailer played before the film. It's a shit trailer, because it gives away the entire film (which isn't too bad for a teen thriller, for the record) and also plays before every goddamn movie I see. Can't wait till that one's gone.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Sublime

APRIL 7, 2007

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

As the credits on Sublime spooled, I recognized the writer's name, but couldn't place it. Afterwards I checked the IMDb and sure enough, he wrote a few episodes of Band of Brothers. Careful examination further showed that he wrote the 3 weakest episodes of the series (though to be fair, episode 5 just pales because the 2 best episodes came right after it). And actually, about half of his script here is pretty good. The problem with the film, same as this week's other medical horror, Unrest, is that the film is entirely too long. But Unrest was only about 20 minutes too long, if that. This one is about 45 minutes to an hour too long. Really, the entire movie is "Guy checks into hospital for routine procedure, they give him the wrong surgery and he starts to freak out, then we discover he's actually in a coma as a result, and all the freaky things are a coma dream. And then he dies." So why the movie needed to be AN HOUR AND FIFTY GODDAMN MINUTES is beyond me.

The first 45 minutes or so work best, as the goings on are just off kilter and unnverving enough to strike a chord with me. But then the writer introduces all this idiotic nonsense about a hospital wing thats filled with transients, and a black nurse named "Mandingo" (please, really?) who shouts out a bunch of babble from the Black Panther handbook. It's an interesting idea to juxtapose white guilt with all of these horror elements, but the ideas are badly implemented, to put it kindly, so it ultimately serves no purpose other than making a long movie longer. There are other half-assed subplots sprinkled without, and every one of them, in the end, is padding. The film would have worked much better if they just revealed right away that the botched operation put him in a coma, so they wouldn't have been restricted by being 'realistic' with his hallucinations, and turned the film into his attempts to fight his way out of the coma. But alas, I write a blog no one reads, not films no one sees unless they watch a horror movie every day.

The main guy is played by Ed, from TV's Ed, a show so good they gave it two series finales. He's pretty good, it's strange to see him do something besides smile and be goofy. I was a big fan of Ed, because I could fully identify with the character. See, he worked at a bowling alley/law office, and his parents ran a drape business. I in fact, worked at a drape business/law office. And that is the ONLY THING I identified with on this show.

The film comes to us courtesy of Raw Feed, who also unleashed upon us Rest Stop. How bad is Rest Stop, you may ask? Let's put it this way: If i was writing this blog back in October when I saw the film, I would probably still be writing my 'review'. It's one of the worst 10 movies I have ever seen. Even recent 'gems' like Legend of Lucy Keyes and Blood Trails were better. And like Sublime, Stop was needlessly and excessively padded (though at least in Sublime's case, the padding could be cut and the movie would still be feature length, whereas Rest Stop would then just be credits). So while this film was better and not entirely bad, Raw Feed is still basically 0 for 2.

Also the DVD lists itself as the "Unrated Version". Um... your film is direct to DVD and there is no rated version available. Technically it's Sublime: THE Version. And I have no idea why the film wouldn't have gotten an R, the only violence/gore in the entire film is when Mandingo (I mean, come on guys, seriously???) takes a pair of needle nose pliers to Ed's feet and hands. He doesnt cut anything OFF, just makes some cuts. There's two sex scenes that have no nudity other than side boob, and the swearing is average. What exactly would the MPAA have made them cut to get an R rating?

Hahaha I just had an idea: there should be an MPAA style editing board that made directors cut their films to be an appropriate running time. "Mr Krantz, there is no need for this film to be just shy of two hours long. Cut twenty to thirty minutes out or we will not certify the film for audiences." Hahahahahaha that would be amazing. Oh well.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Ginger Snaps

APRIL 6, 2007

GENRE: WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Can anyone else wait until April 13th, when a new batch of movies comes out and we won’t have Grindhouse shoved down our throats anymore? It’s a good movie, but Jesus Christ. I think I saw Rose McGowan on the cover of Ebony.

Anyway, I recall seeing part of Ginger Snaps years ago at a friend’s house. “It’s great” he said, and then I watched a not very attractive girl walk around moping and then her mom asked her sister about her period. Somehow I wasn’t fascinated and told him to shut it off. Now years later, I can finally say for sure: he was wrong. It IS good, but great? No. The first half hour takes INCREDIBLE patience to get throughl it's basically two mopey and annoying girls walking around and being bitter because theyre not popular. It’s like watching Ghost World (a "not for me" endurance test that the same kid also loved. I should just stop listening to him entirely) by way of Ontario.

But once the wolf attacks and the hot sister starts turning into a wolf, it picks up, and from then on it’s a true rarity: a good werewolf movie. There are only about three or four such films, and about 900 or so bad ones. Especially all the ones made in the past decade. Cursed, American Werewolf in Paris, Underworld… the list can easily be mistaken for an all-encompassing “These movies are amazing piles of shit” list. But by keeping things low-key and using Buffy-style monster metaphors, I must say I was entertained and impressed. Sadly, some truly idiotic plot devices (primarily the girls’ mother happening to buy a ton of the one weed that can cure lycanthropy) knock it down a few notches.

I should also note that the werewolf looks to be full on animatronic or man in suit, i.e. NOT CG. If it IS CG, it’s pretty damn good considering the budget. That alone makes the film automatically better than the others I just mentioned.

Kris Lemche, as the film’s most sympathetic character (a drug dealer!!), should really just ask Jeremy Sisto if it’s OK to borrow his persona when he makes a film. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

For the 2nd day in a row, the DVD I watched was a full frame piece of garbage. Who in this day and age still wants pan and scan? Especially for an R rated film. Unless you’re like 5 years old, you should understand the point of letterboxed vs pan and scan, and anyone that does and STILL wants full frame should just be punched in the cock.

At any rate, Ginger Snaps can proudly stand with the less than half dozen other werewolf movies that don’t make you wonder why people make werewolf movies in the first place.

What say you?

P.S. I also saw the Halloween remake trailer and I have to admit, almost sadly, that it looks pretty good. I am still on the fence about some of Zombie’s decisions (primarily the fact that Michael’s eyes can be seen clearly through the mask, and they are not the blackest eyes, the devil’s eyes. They are Sabretooth’s eyes), I can safely say that this film has a chance of being the best Halloween film of the Dimension era. Yep, it might be better than Michael being controlled by Druid cults, ruining internet videos, or just plain doing nothing while Josh Hartnett dances to Creed songs.

PLEASE, GO ON...

Cutting Class

APRIL 5, 2007

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

“I’m the custodian of your fucking lives!”

I have no idea what the hell that is supposed to mean, but I plan on saying it to whoever I damn well please for the rest of my life.

Anyway, another day, another slasher. Cutting Class earns originality points for being so goddamn lazy though. The kill scenes come out of nowhere, with not even an attempt at suspense. We are given two possible killers: Donavan Leitch and Brad Pitt, yet Pitt is clearly shown to be elsewhere during a few of the murders. Some scenes are staged with the flair of a porno (mismatched eyelines, cue card read dialogue, etc). But then again what do you expect from a guy named Rospo? Or anyone involved with Exorcist II: The Heretic?

One kill scene is not even possible. The killer takes an American flag that is attached to a rod that’s about 4-5 feet long. The killer goes under the trampoline that the Rex Linn-ish gym teacher is bouncing on, and shoves it straight up (I think Eli Roth ripped this off in his Thanksgiving trailer, btw). There is no way the stick could have been placed straight up from underneath. Dammit, Rospo! What were you THINKING??? How am I supposed to take your goofy slasher movie (one that co-stars Martin Mull, of all people) seriously with such glaring oversights like this?!?!?!

.....

Jill Schoelen, of “Whatever the hell ever happened to the girl from The Stepfather?” fame, is as cute as always, but is given little to do other than say things like “I have to study”, and “I have to study.” But it’s the monotony of her dialogue throughout the film that makes her final line to Leitch all the more hilarious: “No more fucking with my EMOTIONS!”

Pitt sounds like he was dubbed. Maybe he hadn’t hit puberty yet (he was only... wait… 25!!! What the hell, Pitt?). It’s off putting. Not as much as Mickey Rourke’s voice is in Diner, but close.

I think my favorite part of the film is when Pitt and Leitch share a moment during shop class. Leitch brings up a memory of Pitt teaching him about screwdrivers, and then they say together, laughing as if it was some sort of private joke: “Lefty loosey; righty tighty!” I guess you had to be there.

The DVD is one of the absolute worst I have ever seen outside of a budget multi-pack. Full frame, only 6 chapters (one of which basically spoils the ending, not that it’s a real surprise, but still), and the transfer makes the film look like it was shot on video. Hopefully Criterion will get a hold of the rights and give this gem the DVD it deserves.

Pointless horror trivia: The chick who plays Schoelen’s best friend is also in Slither, another horror comedy. At least, I THINK this one was supposed to be funny. I personally think it’s even funnier than Slither.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Burning (1981)

APRIL 4, 2007

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Slashers are my favorite subgenre of horror movie, particularly the ones that followed my beloved Halloween in the late 70s/early 80s. And while I saw most of them by the time I was 15 or so, for some reason The Burning always eluded me. And I have no idea why, as slasher enthusiasts almost always point it out as one of the better examples of the subgenre. Well, I finally saw it today and all I can say (in addition to the following paragraphs I guess) is: I wish I saw it back then.

Because it rips off (or is just plain weaker than) so many other films that I have known and grown up on, this one borderline bored me. Watching it now is sort of like when you’re the poor kid who gets a PS1 around the time the PS2 comes along and no one cares.

That’s a terrible analogy.

Anyway, it’s not a total loss. Savini’s makeup effects (make sure if you watch the film that you are watching the unedited version, damn your eyes) are among his best, and it’s nice to see a killer in the woods who hasn’t apparently brought along half of a hardware store with him, as he uses only one weapon throughout the entire film.

But there are a lot of problems with it. For starters, the Weinsteins (I love how Harvey gives himself the otherwise unheard of and hilarious credit of “Created and Produced by”) are so intent on ripping off Friday the 13th that despite the fact that the killer’s identity is not a mystery (and judging from the 2 seconds we can see it, has a pretty sweet makeup on his head), he is only shown from the waist down until the last scene of the film. Whatever, Harvey. Go ruin Halloween or the Black Christmas remake or something.

Speaking of the killer: what the fuck is up with the pace of this movie? Every slasher that followed Halloween had one agenda: lots of kills. This one has an average body count, but more than half of them occur all at once… at the 60 minute mark! Prior to that, only 2 kills occur, one in the first 5 minutes. A CORPSE EVERY SEVEN MINUTES, PEOPLE! Halloween only had a kill or two in the first hour too, but there the characters were far more interesting and likeable (and Michael was at least fucking with them. The only reason we know Cropsy is around is because every now and then we get a POV shot while he watches someone and then does nothing).

While Cropsy takes his time…. doing anything at all, we are treated to a myriad of sequences of our main group (half of whom don’t even die; another early slasher oddity) playing pranks on one another. Three of our guys are sexual deviants (1 perv and 2 would-be rapists), which has to be a record. Delightful! Actually I must give kudos for the one true kill in the first hour – Cropsy doesn’t kill the asshole who throws his would-be conquest out of the lake for refusing his advances, he kills the girl instead. Nice work. And the raft sequence is pretty great, but it almost seems like it was done in order to ‘catch up’ on kills.

Another oddity – the lead girl is left totally out of the climax, while a guy who is revealed to have been part of the group that fucked Cropsy up in the first place, and also apparently looked totally different five years earlier (it’s only five years guys, just use the same actor and give him a wig) takes him on in a mineshaft that comes out of nowhere. Who wants to watch a dude take on the killer (unless they are going through TV stations in the process)?

It’s admirable that they tried to think outside the box, but their ideas mostly sucked, or were handled poorly (the director also managed to make a bore out of Split Second, a film that features Rutger Hauer as a cop who drinks so much coffee that he becomes attuned the alien monster killer in the sewers. I mean COME ON! How do you fuck THAT up???). And it’s especially aggravating when they squandered having a memorable and iconic killer by almost never showing him (the one thing they rip off directly is the one thing they should have applied their creativity to).

It’s fun at times, and certainly earns some of its praise, but I’d have to say that of all the slashers of the period, this is one of the weakest. Up against something like My Bloody Valentine, it’s not even a blip on the radar.

P.S. Holly Hunter looks incredibly cute in her one scene, er… shot. Literally a blink and you’ll miss it role.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Grudge 2

APRIL 3, 2007

GENRE, ASIAN, REMAKE
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

I stand by yesterday’s claim that the film did not need to be 109 minutes.

However, I must... BEGRUDGINGLY (!!!) admit that The Grudge 2 was slightly better than I expected. I was no fan of the original, and I assumed this would be worse, but I think I actually liked it more. It’s still a mess of a film, but I wasn’t left angered, like I was after the original. And it began with a man being killed with a frying pan.

I am not sure if we are supposed to know right off the bat that the Amber Tamblyn storyline takes place 2 years before the others, it seems like we are supposed to be surprised, but the 3rd or 4th line of the film reveals that Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character started a fire ‘2 years ago’ and then Tamblyn is shown flying to Japan to make sure she’s OK a day or so after the fire. So I have no idea. It’s not like I can just ask the writer.

Either way the story is pretty thin. Since we got all the backstory in the first film, there’s little to do here other than watch more people get killed. There’s some investigation and a visit to the ghost’s mother, but it goes nowhere.

There is a bit of a mean streak in the film, which I think helped me enjoy it as much as I did (which again, wasn’t much, but certainly more than I thought I would). The blond chick pisses her pants (which is actually a towel so the urine splatter is pretty wide), the little kid in Chicago finds his whole family dead, and Tamblyn watches Gellar plummet and splatter to her death a few feet away. Hahahahaha.

Gellar’s death isn’t very surprising, since she makes only one or two shots in the ad and is also listed as “AND Sarah Michelle Gellar” (though strangely top-billed at the end, a lá Christopher Lambert in Mortal Kombat). Instead, she went off to make The Return, a film which everyone in the world (at least, the other 98 people who saw it) hated, except for me and my good friend Matt. *sigh*

In addition, there are a few shots here and there that prove Shimizu knows how to pull off effective shots. Like when the bizarrely imported character of Eason ("I pulled your sister out of the fire." OK, sure, why not.) sees the ghost on a videotape, then shuts the TV off and the ghost is reflected on the blank screen in the same spot. Or when Gellar’s running thru her 2nd (of two) scenes and the ghost is barely glimpsed behind a group of hilariously nonchalant doctors. Good stuff.

And I must laud writer Steven Susco for providing us with one of cinema’s true rarities: A teenaged girl who actually likes her stepmother. She helps her move in, talks about clothes with her… it’s refreshing to see.

He also provides the character with an incredibly hot friend who randomly pukes milk.

Since the movie is less a cohesive narrative and more just a collection of scenes (indeed, nearly every scene fades to black and the next fades in. Perhaps the subtitle of the film should have been “Meanwhile….”), the outcome is not surprising: some scenes are pretty good, others are worthless. Put the DVD in and find your own favorites!

Speaking of the DVD, there’s a fascinating featurette that is worth the price of stealing the DVD from Blockbuster alone. It concerns the process of mixing the J-Horror and American Horror styles when trying to develop the film (one guy dismisses American horror films as being about “crazy people trying to kill a bunch of people in a certain area”. Apparently he only watches John Carpenter films*). The poor sod who had to write the script based on these conflicting ideas is sadly absent, but it’s still pretty fascinating, and kudos to Sony for including it when it includes such sentiments as “the studio’s ideas were boring” (paraphrase). It is also during this featurette that we are given what may be history’s first subtitle spacing based faux pas:

Hahahah (for the record, the rest of the sentence was like ‘unless I liked the story’). There’s also a collection of deleted scenes that, unintentionally or not, reveal what a goddamn mess the production of this film must have been (Eason shows up in the schoolgirls’ storyline, when he would have been dead for two years if you follow the storyline in the finished product).

I should note that the girl in the schoolgirl story may possibly be the only girl in history I find more attractive with short blond hair (as she is shown in the extras) than with long dark hair, which I usually prefer. Huh. Perhaps I’m maturing.

What say you?

*Carpenter has done a ‘folks trapped in a place’ movie 5 times: Assault on Precinct 13, The Thing, Prince of Darkness, Ghosts of Mars, and the 2nd half of The Fog.

PLEASE, GO ON...

Unrest (2006)

APRIL 2, 2007

GENRE: GHOST
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Today’s movie was supposed to be The Grudge 2. But its 109 minutes, and I only had time for 90. Now, every review I have read of Grudge 2 has pointed out that the film is plotless. Then why in plu-perfect hell does it run for 109 fucking minutes??? Goddammit, how many times to I have to say it (to whoever reads this blog, and my cats): No horror movie should run more than 97 minutes. There are exceptions, of course, but I can guarantee that Grudge 2 is not one of them.

Anyway, Unrest clocks in at 88, so I watched it. I used up the other 2 minutes repeatedly hitting “chapter +” past every goddamn trailer Lions Gate threw on before the film (one for each of the 8 films to die for, plus a compilation trailer of all of them). I wouldn’t be surprised if the trailer for Unrest itself was among them.

This movie is notable, to me anyway, for being the only After Dark film I have seen so far (except for Gravedancers, which coincidentally had some similar themes to this film) that didn’t make me angry or just plain baffled (or in Reincarnation’s case, both). It’s not a great film, but it’s certainly worth watching, and undeniably creepy at times. Apparently the director went to med school and drew on his experience (I assume the Aztec spirit killing people and writing things in their blood aspect was made up for the film, though maybe not and that’s why he dropped out), and thus 99% of the medical practices and facts are true. Did you know that just about every flight has a dead body on it? I didn’t, and now every time I fly I will think about it, and then in turn I will think about that movie Millenium.

The Britney Spears-ish (pre bald, white trash Britney I mean) Corri English is one of recent horror’s more interesting lead actresses, since she’s hot AND can actually act (course, the only other female of note in the film is one of the models from Deal or No Deal, so she doesn’t really have to try hard to stick out in that area). Jessica Alba’s brother Joshua shows up as the film’s Noonan*. He looks exactly like his sister, which I guess is an insult to one of them.

Had I not seen any of the other After Dark films before this (for the hell of it I’d like to remind everyone how much I hated Dark Ride), I probably would have dismissed this one, but the low bar set by all the others (again, except for Gravedancers) allowed me to be surprised with this one. It’s low key and well directed (though the image is very soft, not sure if that’s a DVD transfer issue or intentional), with a few good creepy scenes thrown in. It’s surprisingly nonviolent (the R rating is for, among other things, violence, but nothing happens onscreen that I can recall) and definitely shows a rare level of maturity for a film with primarily mid 20s-ish actors. And the title sequence is one of the best I have seen in ages, with flowing blood making the letters over a piece of gauze. Unfortunately, the sequence also has tribal, Aztec-y music that foreshadows the villain’s backstory. Is this the only film in history where the soundtrack could be considered a spoiler? Actually most of the music is kind of laughable. And you can’t say Aztec in a movie without me having flashbacks to The Puma Man.

Speaking of spoilers, the commentary has one of my pet peeves, which is the director (or whoever is on the commentary) saying “I don’t want to spoil (whatever) yet.” If he has someone with him, which is the case here, the other person will respond in kind, and then they will discuss whether or not people watch the commentary before they see the movie. Who the fuck watches a commentary before watching a movie??? NO ONE! EVER! And yet I hear this idiotic and pointless discussion on many commentary tracks. Stop wasting my goddamn time. Talk about what lens you used on the shot or point out an extra you nailed or something.

In the end, the movies’ only real flaw is, ironically (at least, if you can still remember the beginning of this abnormally long post), being too long. It’s slow at times, and the story isn’t exactly complicated. With some script trimming, this would have made the best episode of Masters of Horror.

What say you?

*Noonan is a character in Armageddon that I am endeared to. His sole purpose in the film is to even out the oil drilling teams. There’s Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi, Will Patton, and the fat guy on one team, and Ben Affleck, Owen Wilson, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Noonan on the other. Four and four. But since he’s not a famous actor, or the funny fat guy, they don’t show him doing anything else. Noonan appears in none of the other scenes where the guys are goofing off, being brought to NASA, talking to the shrink, talking about Affleck fucking Willis’ daughter, or whatever. He has 4 lines in the entire film, and when he dies Affleck doesn’t even cry over his body. Anyway, since then I’ve noticed lots of other ‘group’ films have similar characters, who serve no function other than making things even. In Unrest, Alba plays this character. Since gross anatomy groups are four people, but the movie only has time to really develop three of them, Alba has no real purpose for anything. In fact, he disappears entirely for about half the film, only to briefly re-surface near the end before being killed. So in honor of the character that first brought this strange little cinematic phenomenon (one which may exist entirely only in my head), I dub such character’s “Noonan”s.

PLEASE, GO ON...

Motel Hell

APRIL 1, 2007

GENRE: CANNIBAL, COMEDIC, WEIRD
SOURCE: CABLE (FLIX)

Apparently, Motel Hell is going to be remade. And I must admit: I'm all for it. It's pretty bad, but there's a good movie in there somewhere, which is exactly the type of movie that should be remade. It's kind of sad when you have a garden full of human heads croaking (no vocal chords) and its not funny. In fact, all I will probably remember about the film is the same thing I went in with: it's notoriety as the movie on the cover of an issue of Fangoria that was banned from store shelves, and is thus now the most expensive issue to buy. As I am a collector of Fangorias (only 14, including said issue, left to get!), this fact haunts me daily. Or at least it does whenever I look at the Fangoria back issue order form.

Also it's fitting that I watched this on April Fool's Day, since the guy on the cover, which is what is undoubtedly the film's most recognizable image (pig head, chainsaw, overalls) is barely even in the film. April Fools!

The lead girl is hot, and rare for a final girl, gets nude a couple times. So there's something. And she's incredibly forgiving, as she agrees to marry a guy whos brother tries to rape her and whos sister tries to kill her. What a saint!

I hereby declare my wish to have William Fichtner take on the lead role of Farmer Vincent should the remake come to pass.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Manitou

MARCH 31, 2007

GENRE: MONSTER, POSSESSION, WEIRD
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)

Holy shit this movie is hilarious. Much like this week's Killer Shrews, the dialogue in The Manitou has that little special something that makes almost every line a howler, for example: "Normally I wait three risings of the sun before I take on a job." Me too. Tony Curtis in particular is worth the price of admission alone (I got in for free but that's neither here nor there).

There's also off-kilter little touches throughout, such as when Burgess Meredith, looking for a spell book or something, picks up and considers a wig for a few moments for no real reason. And during an argument, a doctor storms to his liquor cabinet, which is typical movie behavior, but then offers Curtis one (while still yelling) and Curtis yells back "Please!". Oh man, I could go on and on, but I won't.

The end is stolen from 2001 in parts, although Kubrick, for whatever reason, declined to feature a naked woman shooting beams of energy at a naked midget Indian that looks like the doll from Trilogy of Terror.

I saw this film as part of the SBIG (So Bad It's Good) festival in LA at the Vista theater. And while the Vista can and should be lauded for being an old school theater that has plenty of leg room, the seats are still very uncomfortable, and also the theater seems to slant upwards. Very strange. But I am a full supporter of this particular festival, even if I believe that it may very well be impossible to find a better film for the event than this.

It is EXACTLY for movies like this that makes this whole 'movie a day' thing worthwhile.

Note: As relatively obscure as it is, the film is actually going to air on TV this week, Thursday April 5th, on the FLIXw channel. Check your digital cable for it, I had no idea I even had the station until the other day.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Dracula (1931 Spanish Version)

MARCH 30, 2007

GENRE: CLASSIC, VAMPIRE
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

I wish all movies had superior Spanish versions filmed alongside the English originals. Think of how many awful dubs would never have come to be, and then we’d also have two perfectly awesome versions of Con Air and Mighty Ducks 2.

Anyway, as far as Dracula (Spanish Version) goes, I like it one more than the Lugosi one, though the acting of the guy playing Dracula is Bumblebee Man-esque at times. The Eugene Levy-ish Van Helsing doesn’t look like he can kick any ass whatsoever, but he’s still good.

I do, however, miss the armadillos.

I dunno. Not much to say about this one, since I watched what was basically the same movie a few weeks ago and wrote about it. Kind of lazy on all fronts I guess.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

Toolbox Murders (2004)

MARCH 29, 2007

GENRE: REMAKE, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

The front of Toolbox Murders DVD says “A Tobe Hooper Film” AND “From The Director of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE”. Let’s point out all of the things that are stupid about this:

1. If the name Tobe Hooper means anything to anyone, its because of Massacre. No one reads “A Tobe Hooper Film” and thinks “Oh sweet, he’s the guy who directed Mangler!” So having both is just redundant.
2. He did NOT direct “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. Michael Bay did and called himself Marcus Nispel. Tobe Hooper directed “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre”. It’s empty space, but it’s important.
3. Chain Saw is 30 years old. It’s basically calling attention to the fact that everything he has done since doesn’t measure up. “From a guy who has consistently disappointed you for 30 years now.”
4. Dammit, Word, there is no 4! Stop auto-formatting this shit.

That said, it’s probably one of the better Hooper films in the past 20 years, perhaps even THE best (I have skipped many, but the ones I have seen have been at best a disgrace and at worst “Dance of the Dead”). Much like the execrable When A Stranger Calls remake, this one remakes the first 20 minutes or so of the original since that’s the only part anyone cares about. But this time it works, more or less. It’s not a perfect film by any means, but when you consider his other recent output, it’s refreshingly un-awful.

In fact, Hooper’s revived direction skill even earned the film enough goodwill to not make me want to throw it through the window when the killer is revealed to be… some guy! Not only that, a guy with fairly interesting mutant/monster-y makeup. So why cover it up with a ski mask other than to reference the original (or pre-reference the recent ads for that stupid looking FX show with Eddie Izzard)? Was he worried about his appearance freaking out the people he’s about to kill? If I’ve said it once I’ve said it three or four times: If it’s not a whodunit, then there’s no need for a mask! Especially when the killer is awesome enough to jump four stories, as he does during the finale.

One of the writers plays a red herring named Ned, who is also the building’s handyman. He resembles the killer in the Tourist Trap remake that they inexplicably named House of Wax, so there’s something.

I also must point out the completely horrendous titles at the end. A borderline unreadable font complete with what looks like every single option on Photoshop's "Layer Styles" checked on with default settings. Glow! Bevel! Emboss! Probably even Drop Shadow even though it’s over black. Hideous.

But seriously tho, the movie’s pretty good. It’s just possibly the only DVD/movie in existence that would work best if someone gave you a bootleg of it with just the movie (no credits, no idiotic box art, no DVD extras…) since all that stuff weighs down what’s otherwise a surprisingly decent slasher.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Brain That Wouldn't Die

MARCH 28, 2007

GENRE: MAD SCIENTIST, MONSTER
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 2!!!)

You know you’re in for a treat when the title of the movie changes from beginning to end. It starts as “Brain”, at the end it becomes The Head That Wouldn’t Die, which is actually more accurate. Whatever.

The biggest laugh in the film (it’s not a comedy) comes early on, when two characters who have been at each others’ throats the entire film so far reveal themselves to be father and son. There are also some off kilter line readings and bizarrely half-assed dialogue (“I’ve been working on this for WEEKS!”… are we supposed to sympathize? I’ve been trying to finish Final Fantasy VII for 10 years).

That said, it’s a strange and engaging little movie, complete with gore (an arm ripped off) and populated entirely with unsympathetic characters. The husband is a murderer, the wife is a manipulative bitch, the monster is a monster… It also carries on the fine tradition of ending the film precisely at the second when the bad guy dies. Epilogues are for sissies. He’s dead, let’s move on.

This makes the 2nd film this week that’s better known as a MST3k episode. I need to improve my standards. Or stop memorizing the MST3k guide.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane

MARCH 27, 2007

GENRE: INDEPENDENT, SLASHER
SOURCE: DVD (SCREENER)

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane has yet to be released yet, as far as you know, so it’s sort of pointless for inclusion here, as the whole point is to be able to discuss the movie after (via the comments option). But since only one person has posted anything so far, I guess it doesn’t matter.

I got this from a friend who raved on and on about how great it was and would make 100 million dollars when released. With those rather underwhelming impressions in mind, I decided to give it a spin.

Well it is pretty good, but 100 million is about two zeroes too high. With no stars (other than Anson “Urban Legend 2” Mount), a soundtrack that has not one Fall Out Boy song, and a relative lack of eye-catching visuals (the killer’s costume will not be a Halloween staple), I can’t see the film being the type of hit Scream was, especially when another great modern slasher with no real marketing appeal, Behind the Mask, completely tanked in theaters just this past month (and so help me god, if Hatchet doesn’t match the screen average of the last Saw film, I will declare every supposed horror fan in the world a fucking douchebag).

But it’s still a solid film, a little gift to slasher fans that are sick of all the folks in slasher movies talking about better slasher movies. There is no Scream-style winking here, instead it’s a very low key ol’ fashioned ‘Lets go to a barn in the middle of nowhere and not notice when every 10 minutes another one of our friends disappears’-style slasher.

Back to the soundtrack though: it’s terrible. Fall Out Boy would actually be welcome. The first 20-30 minutes have bad indie bands running nonstop (including a particularly execrable Norah Jones-y cover of America’s “Sister Golden Hair”), and then they are sprinkled throughout the rest of the film, even when there’s no electricity and it sticks out like a sore thumb (Hey composer: COMPOSE, damn you!).

There are also occasional (and unfortunate) avid farts and strobe edits, and one sequence looks like Tony Scott directed it while on break from Domino. More baffling, the characters in the scene do whippits, much like not a single person has done in the past fifteen years or so.

Otherwise, it’s a refreshingly enjoyable slasher film, with some moments here and there that made me incredibly happy. For example, the phone is dead, of course. A character picks it up and listens for the dial tone. Not hearing it, she says “It’s dead” and puts it back. YES! She doesn’t tap the cradle 20 times like every other character in horror movie history has done, to no avail. And, apart from the aforementioned avid farts and such, it’s directed well. No one demanded a cut every second or so, which was nice to see. One scene in particular, near the end, where the killer is chasing one of the girls in a car, has a nice shot that follows along for what seems like two or three whole minutes. Like I said, it’s not necessarily visually impressive, but it’s visually correct.

I have no idea when this is coming out, if it’s going direct to DVD or if it’ll play theatrically, or anything, but when it does find its way to you, I highly urge any slasher fan to check it out. It’s got a nice 70’s sensibility to it that has been altogether absent from modern slasher films.

And a guy gets blown and then refuses to return the favor for the girl. Then SHE gets killed. Hahahahaha. Yeah!

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Killer Shrews

MARCH 26, 2007

GENRE: MAD SCIENTIST, MONSTER
SOURCE: DVD (BUDGET PACK 2!!!)

Most people probably think of MST3k when they hear the name The Killer Shrews, unless some shrews killed a relative or friend of theirs. I fall in both categories.

Actually I’ve never seen the MST3k episode, making this film only the second in MST history that I have watched prior to seeing it butchered on the show (the other being Squirm). And I’m not even sure it NEEDS Joel and the ‘bots, as the movie is pretty damn funny as it is. Whether it’s intentional or not, I have no idea, but there is no way to hear lines such as the following without laughing out loud:

Doctor: “They won’t get in through the floor, it’s tile.”
Hero: “But the walls are ADOBE!”

Hahahaha what???? Amazing. The last line of the film is also a howler, as the hero exclaims he’s not worried about overpopulation right before kissing the girl. Hurrah for sterility I guess?

The shrews are ably played by a bunch of dogs. I have no idea what a real shrew looks like, but I am guessing I wouldn’t want to pet one.

Like many of the older films I watch, this was part of my 50 movies for 20 bucks set (not the "Chilling" one I push all over the site, but rather the more generically titled "50 Horror Classics"). These films always have the most rancid transfers imaginable, but this one is surprisingly decent. I could make out all of the images, understand the dialogue… I was impressed, comparatively.

I highly recommend the film. It moves along quickly, it balances campy nonsense with a decent enough story, and features welding.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)

MARCH 25, 2007

GENRE: REMAKE, SURVIVAL
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REGULAR SCREENING)

This review will not contain any jokes about the lack of canine flashbacks.

Lots of folks are complaining that Hills Have Eyes 2 is the same as the first movie. And to them I say: have you ever SEEN a sequel? All sequels have the same basic synopsis: new folks come along and the same killer or killers as before kills them. Sometimes there’s a new location.

They’re also wrong, at least compared to many sequels. The first film (though not so much as the superior original) dealt with families doing what they had to do to survive. This is simply a bunch of people. They are supposedly an army (or marine, or national guard, I already forget) unit, but they have little to no real attachment to one another. Two or three of the guys give the ‘fuck you, I’m out of here, I’ll send for help!’ speech before eating it. Semper Fi! Or whatever.

Kudos to the Cravens and whoever got credit for directing it for casting not a single recognizable person in the film. At least, not recognizable to me. I must say I enjoyed the performances of the Tim Olyphant-ish main guy and the Kristen Wiig-ish main girl (who was also cute as hell). The rest: eh. Actually now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure one guy was on Smallville. Step up, or step down? Time will tell…

Probably a step up.

As remakes of sequels go, it’s not terrible, but it’s still pretty half-assed. But unlike the original remake, there’s no idiotic flag waving and “you created us!” nonsense, which is a relief. Here, the jingoistic elements are more subtle: one of the guys shoves his rifle into the main mutant’s head.

Hills III is set up at the end. Hopefully it will turn into Mind Ripper II by the time it comes out.

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...