The Eves (2011)

MARCH 17, 2012

GENRE: BREAKDOWN, SURVIVAL
SOURCE: CABLE (CHILLER)

People keep asking why I want to quit Horror Movie A Day, and I explain that I’m tired of writing the same things over and over, because at this point most of what I watch are just pale imitations of earlier movies. So in a weird way, I want to thank The Eves for existing, because I can think of no better example of a movie in which I could literally copy and paste parts from 20 or so reviews of other movies and call it a review of this film. No one would be able to tell the difference.

Every single beat and plot point in this film was used elsewhere, to the point where it’s almost comical. Carload of teens driving in unfamiliar territory, check. Cop who tells them about an out of the way place where they can get help for their car trouble, check. Place that turns out to be creepy and possibly the home of a killer or killers who prey on out of town idiots, check. And it keeps on going, stealing bits from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wrong Turn, Hills Have Eyes, and probably every other movie in the “breakdown” category. Worse, it takes forever to get to that point, as the teens break the cinematic record for fake scaring one another and dicking around (literally and figuratively; pretty much all of them get it it on at one point or another), keeping our first kill confined to the movie's 2nd half, by which point any sane person will have already come to hate them all.

The only variation is the killer’s motive, which is based on creepy “I’m doing God’s work” stuff and contains the usual bible quotes that “justify” their actions. But even that is stolen from Frailty, so it’s only “different” in that they’re stealing from a different sub-genre of horror. And even if you haven’t seen Frailty, would that be enough to justify the pointless, creativity-free hour or so before this is revealed? Consider this as the movie goes back to ripping off Chainsaw, with our hysterical final girl seeking aid from a supposed ally only for him to drive her right back to the house of horrors she just escaped. Oh The Eves, is there any idea you won’t recycle from a movie that a viewer would rather be watching?

So that’s why I’m quitting next year. In fact, this is the actual end of my review, as I refuse to spend any time coming up with new things to say about a film that couldn’t be bothered to do the same.

What say you?