Steel Trap (2007)

AUGUST 10, 2008

GENRE: SLASHER, SURVIVAL
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

The signs are looming... I think Dimension Extreme is turning into Lionsgate (I guess it’s only polite, since Lionsgate has apparently stolen Dimension’s business model of fucking over filmmakers at every turn). I rented Steel Trap, a movie that features a dirty/bloody blond girl on the cover, trying to make her way through what looks like an air conditioning vent that is overflowing with saw blades and things of that nature. All well and good, except the girl isn’t in the film, the saw blades are not in the film, and even the tagline (“Surviving each floor is the name of the game”) isn’t in the film, which all takes place on two floors, one of which they weren’t intended to visit anyway.

Plus it’s a shitty movie. I’m gonna have to spoil the identity of the bad guy, so heads up for those who may actually be surprised by it when it comes.

So like all these "Ten Little Indians" knockoffs, the killer is someone in the group. In this case, a woman named Kathy who hosts a cooking show. But while most of those movies have a pretty interesting backstory that is ultimately revealed, this one is just the same ol’ shit – the girl was fat and the other people were mean to her. Of course, in order for this idiotic plot to work, none of the other characters can remember that they met her sometime ago, everyone would had to have shown up to the same party, specific people will have to go off on their own when required, etc.

Also, Kathy is based on and even somewhat resembles Rachel Ray. Now, I can’t stand that woman either, but writing an entire movie about what a loathsome woman she probably is isn’t the best concept for a movie... especially a shitty slasher/Saw hybrid with some of the worst dialogue ever spoken in a horror film.

Yes, apparently at some point, writer director Luis Camara decided the movie should be “funny” and thus just about every character speaks in puns, “witty” quips, etc. The problem is, not only is none of this shit actually funny, but it’s also clunky. Not a single line sounds natural or even human. One woman in particular, played by Julia Ballard, should be given an award for having the most unfunny and awkward lines in a single movie. And of course, she dies almost last. Thanks, Camara.

The killer’s mask sucks too.

It’s also badly paced. There are only seven people, and you know it will come down to two of them, giving us a total of five kills. Well three of them occur in the film’s first 45 minutes, so the final 50 is primarily a series of boring arguments between the four survivors, one of which you’ve probably already figured out is the killer and one of which is the obvious last man standing. Occasionally they do things like look in computer monitors and see the “killer” (Ray-lite has hired a guy to stalk them around, presumably to make her reveal more of a “shock”) or run down a hallway or whatever, but it’s hardly exciting. And since all of our characters are introduced via their bad personalities (being two-faced, being a whore, etc) and not really developed in any other manner, you honestly won’t give a rat’s ass about any of them.

The 40 minute making-of reveals part of why the movie is so worthless. Apparently they were just about to start production when they discovered another movie that was very similar (maybe the one advertised on the cover?), forcing them to re-write the script to be more original. And to be fair, I don’t know of any other movie that makes a point of hating on a TV cooking personality, so I guess they succeeded to a degree. They also admit they didn’t have much time for casting and were constantly changing the script during pre-production. With all these problems, one must wonder why they didn’t just skip making the movie entirely, but what do I know? There’s also a commentary but I couldn’t be bothered to listen to it.

This is a German movie, ironically enough. Ask and ye shall receive garbage.

What say you?