Final Exam (1981)

MARCH 14, 2008

GENRE: SLASHER
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REVIVAL SCREENING)

One of my favorite things on the internet has to be the “mash up” of two Nickelback songs. If you play “How You Remind Me” and “Photograph” (or whatever the hell their other big hit was) at the same time, you’ll see they have the exact same structure, with the chorus kicking in at precisely the same time (accompanied by a “duh duh duh DUH DUH DUH!” buildup) and clock in at just about the exact same length (one is like a second longer I think). I thought about that while watching Final Exam, because I am pretty sure one could superimpose the film over Halloween and come away with a similar result.

Ignoring quality, the films are curiously similar. Both have one kill at the very beginning, and then about an hour of no kills. Both have a scene of the (very bookish) girl seeing the killer outside her window, mixed with scenes of her talking to her very slutty friends. The score is similar. The finale finds the killer falling over a railing. Etc, etc. Of course, the difference is, Final Exam isn’t QUITE the masterpiece the ‘Ween is, but it’s still a fun enough little forgotten slasher that doesn’t deserve its current status (i.e. unreleased on DVD). If fucking Prom Night got like 3 DVD releases, there’s no reason why Exam can’t get one.

The most hilarious thing about the movie is that the killer makes Michael Myers look like the most complex killer in slasher history. While his motives were unclear, he at least had a name and a mask. This guy doesn’t even have that. He’s just some guy with an Anton Chigurh haircut. No mask, no name, and certainly no motive. Even He Knows You're Alone gave its vague killer a backstory with the film’s final line. In a way it’s kind of admirable that at the time the film came out (1981), when everyone was trying to make its own memorable slasher, the Final Exam team couldn’t even be bothered to give the guy a paper bag.

The movie also hates chemistry. During the “character development” phase of the film, we are treated to at least 12 slams on chemistry’s purpose in real life, to the point where it’s almost mean-spirited. My guess? Screenwriter/director Jimmy Huston failed chemistry in college or high school, and wrote a slasher film around it, and was so focused on chemistry bashing that he forgot to provide his killer with any sort of... well, anything.

Our heroes are ripe for loving mockery. The girl (Cecile Bagdadi) never stops smiling (it’s the creepiest thing in the movie), and our hero (Joel S. Rice) is named Radish. He’s sort of like Ian Sera in Pieces, and I kept hoping a kung fu professor would kick his ass. There is a hilarious scene where he’s at the girl’s door, telling her to be careful and all that. She CLEARLY wants him to come in and fuck her to sleep, but he’s oblivious. So he walks away, and then..... he knocks at her OTHER door! Yes, her dorm room has two doors for some goddamn reason. And he again reiterates his desire for her to be careful while ignoring her desire for some Radish love. It’s the first time I’ve felt sexual frustration for another (not to mention fictional) person.

Well he gets his fucking head smashed thru a door and neck cut by the glass, so it evens out.

It’s moments like this that make this movie a must for “big crowd” viewing. On a surface level, it’s a boring fucking movie (in Halloween, they constantly had Michael watching from the shadows; but here it’s like the killer is an after-thought), but there are so many “what the FUCK?” moments of absurdity that it seems a lot better than it actually is (or would be if you were watching it alone). Por ejemplo, one of the girls is fucking her professor. That’s fine, but she has a FRAMED PHOTO of the guy on her desk! Discretion? Why bother? There’s also a fraternity initiation scene (lifted verbatim in Scream 2), except with the added “bonus” of a cop pouring whiskey into the kid’s underwear.

But that doesn’t even come CLOSE to the levels of homoeroticism that are displayed by the film’s resident bully character: Wild Man. At one point he literally spoons a dude (the aforementioned frat pledge) and begins kissing his ear as the other guys strip him down to his underwear. It’s amazing. There’s also a subplot about pills that never quite makes sense (we’re led to believe that they are steroids, but there are like 50 different sizes and colors).

In my notes I have written down “Two lousy people!”, but I have no idea what this means.

In the annals of early 80s slashers, it’s both one of the worst (worst killer ever, for certain) and one of the best (due to its unparalleled levels of unintentional comedy). If you still have a functioning VHS, check it out, but only with friends. I think watching this movie alone might be detrimental to the health of both you and radishes.

What say you?