The Dead One

SEPTEMBER 25, 2007

GENRE: COMIC BOOK, CRAP, SUPERNATURAL
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

About an hour or so into The Dead One, my cat shit all over the rug. He’s usually good and uses his box, but every now and then he likes to poop in this one spot in the corner of the dining room. Usually this will result in me yelling at him. But this movie was so goddamn boring I actually thanked him, for it was a welcome distraction.

That should be my quote for the DVD box: “I’d rather clean cat shit off the rug than watch this goddamn movie.”

That 70’s Show was a perfectly enjoyable little sitcom, despite the fact that its title was wrong after 3 of its 7 seasons. But the cast hasn’t had the best of luck when it comes to feature films, with only Topher Grace showing any promise. And yet, Wilmer Valderrama manages to make his fellow castmates’ films (which include such "gems" as American Psycho 2 and Just Married) look positively Citizen Kaneian in comparison (no surprise, he was the weakest point on the show as well) with this snoozefest. I’m not sure why anyone thought we would need a Crow ripoff (with a lot of Crow 4 as well, for some goddamn reason) starring the mushmouthed guy from a sitcom, but hey, what do I know.

Part of the problem with this astoundingly lackluster film is its stubborn refusal to include anything that would be considered excitement or action (not a real surprise, as it’s rated PG-13 on the DVD case, and simply PG on the disc itself). Granted, there needs to be a lot of exposition and origin stuff, but that only takes up 1/3 of the running time. So with only about 10 minutes’ worth of action (mostly someone seeing Wilmer, who is thought dead, and then he runs away), what else is there? Well, lots and lots of scenes of Wilmer propped up against a tree, sleeping; many reflective surfaces suddenly covered in cracking patterns; and poor Joel David Moore (from Hatchet – way to appear in both one of the best and one of the worst horror movies in a single year dude) explaining how to use Nextel.

The weirdest thing about the movie is that the font would suggest a goofy and fun film:

And yet it is all taken deadly serious. Even Moore, who was able to wring some laughs out of some of the lesser lines in Hatchet, is relegated to spouting out Aztec myths and debating religions. Guys: you’re making a movie about a guy who comes back from the dead, permanently covered in “Day of the Dead” makeup and causing it to rain wherever he goes. Lighten the fuck up!

Those of you who have seen Imprint would probably know that Billy Drago is totally batshit insane, so it might be refreshing to see him relatively subdued here, playing a comatose woman who spends the finale of the film running around in a dress speaking in tongues. And if you think that is subdued, then you clearly haven’t seen Imprint. Also on board is Alfonso Arau (“It’s a sweater!”) given an opening credit for simply doing some of the ghost voices sprinkled throughout the film.

Christ, even the extra feature titled “Fun on the set!” is mind-numbingly boring, as we watch things like Wilmer sing Benny and the Jets for no reason before a take. Wow! At least here Joel Moore tries to provide some energy to the proceedings, but it’s of no use – the fun has been sucked out of the movie long ago, taking its useless extras down with it.

What say you?