Blood & Chocolate (2007)

JULY 7, 2007

GENRE: TEEN, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Though most of my work for Bloody-D is editing based, I occasionally do the odd interview or junket. Usually my reasons are simple: I like free food. But there was no such benefit to interviewing Agnes Bruckner on the phone for Blood & Chocolate. I couldn’t even see her!! But it was all worth it, when I asked her “What do you prefer, blood or chocolate?” I didn’t write that question, and I made sure to point that out. We then laughed at how stupid a question it was. Whether she answered or not, I forget.

It became all the more hilarious when I finally watched the movie, as I, like 6 billion other human beings, decided not to venture out to the multiplexes for a movie that looked like Romeo & Juliet spawned by the unholy mating of Underworld and an actual piece of feces. Blood makes enough sense (even if there is very little of it seen in the film, being a PG-13 entry), but why Chocolate? Well, you see, she works in a candy store. This is just a generic working locale, it has zero to do with the plot or anything else. As my friend pointed out, “So if she worked in a taco stand the name of the movie would be Blood and Tacos?”

The title is of course, the only memorable thing about the damn movie (everyone and their brother seems to recall being at the theater for Rocky Balboa, seeing this trailer, and laughing hysterically when the movie trailer voice announced the title as if it had any gravitas. “BLOOD…. AND CHOCOLATE!”). I can’t even understand what some of my notes mean, a few hours later. But in the interest of actually discussing the movie, I’ll try.

I must give the movie SOME props though, for filming in Romania, like 90% of all horror movies, but actually SETTING it in Romania as well. Unlike New York, Boston, etc, Romania actually looks like Romania. And instead of using cheesy CG morphing effects (I assume the idea of an actual practical, American Werewolf-style transformation is forever out of the question) to show the humans turn into wolves, they turn into ghosts first and then turn. Looks a little better. Doesn’t explain where their pants go though.

The rest of the movie is nonsense though. For example, for no discernible reason the people side jump walls as they run by. It serves no purpose, if anything it would just slow them down. They literally just run along, suddenly jump at a wall, then continue running along the pavement. All of them do it at least once, and I can never for the life of me understand why they bother. Sort of like when you see a skateboarder try a trick and then fail instantly.

Also, why cast Oliver Martinez in a movie and never give him as amazing a line as “ONE HUNDARAD MEEEELLLION DOLLASSSSSSSS”??? Other than his amusing way of saying “Afraid” (it sounds like “Alfred”), he never gets to say anything hilarious. All that dialogue belongs to his co-stars, such as Bryan Dick’s (snicker) baffling “I AM the train!” response to a guy promising he will take the next train out of town. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? He wants the guy to ride him out of town?

But nothing compares to this howler. As with all movies about lovers, there’s a scene where they have a fight that ends with one walking away from the other. And there’s always a line like “I wish I never met you” (or a specific to the movie variant, i.e. “I wish I had never joined NASA.” or whatever) before the music swells. What did Ehren Kruger (writer of many awful films like Ring Two and Scream 3) come up with? “If you cared a bit about me, you would have left before you ever met me.” What the Christing fuck??? I ASSUME it’s supposed to allude to true love being eternal, soul mates and all that jazz, but it doesn’t come out but anything but hilariously stupid.

And the best scene in the movie was deleted! We see Agnes at the candy store, and a kid walks in and asks for a box of candy. As she prepares it, he notices she’s upset. He says some encouraging words of wisdom (or what passes for them in this world), and then says “See you at the hunt tonight!” HAHAHAH the little 9 year old is a damn wahr-wolf! I’d go so far as to actually recommend the movie if they had included that scene in the final print. Most of the other deleted scenes concern Agnes’ aunt, a former lover of Martinez (look I can’t remember the names anymore. You look it up) who wants him back. If I was that chick, I’d be pretty pissed off that almost every one of my scenes was cut from the film in favor of scenes like 60 guys taking their shirt off and hissing before running around and diving through the air. David DeCoteau must love the shit out of this movie.

Oh the music is pretty good too.

What say you?