Bottom Feeder

JUNE 6, 2007

GENRE: CRAP, MAD SCIENTIST, MONSTER
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t watch a movie like Bottom Feeder, even when I am watching a horror movie every day. But it was the first movie Tom Sizemore made when he got out of rehab, as chronicled on his reality show. So I had some interest in how it turned out.

I knew I was in for a special level of ineptitude when the production company flashed onscreen: TWOTHREEFIVE PRODUCTIONS. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with cinematic aspect ratios, 2.35:1 is the ratio given to really wide films. Most action movies, the Star Wars/LOTR movies, all John Carpenter movies, etc. are in the 2.35:1 ratio. On a 16:9 TV, this means you will still see black bars. The shorthand for this is simply “twothreefive”.

This film is NOT 2.35:1. Sigh.

Also, Sizemore’s character reveals himself to be a Vietnam ex-POW. Tom Sizemore is 46 years old. Even near the end of the Vietnam War, he was about 9 or 10. In order for this to work (the film dates itself as being the present with references to the 2^nd Iraq war), he would need to be almost 60. What the hell kind of movie pretends their lead actor is OLDER than he is? Answer: A fucking stupid one.

The DVD for had one extra feature (besides trailers for other shitty movies like Dead Mary), a making of featurette. It ran nearly 30 min and over 70% was just clips from the terrible movie. Even at the beginning of the piece, we have to watch a full minute and some change of the film again before anything ‘behind the scenes’ appears. When it does, it’s the director explaining himself. His comments were so hilarious that I decided to transcribe them and comment along in parentheses, in lieu of my usual rambling format

“I’m a monster guy (Hi! I’m a human guy. Nice to meet you), so this is my chance to make A monster movie (he emphasizes "A". As opposed to “THE”?), and it’s MY monster movie (luckily for everyone else in the world, yes, it’s YOUR movie, so you can take the blame for it)! It’s every special effects guys dream (to make the worst Tom Sizemore movie ever?)!

“You know, it’s entertainment (in theory). I want them to go for a 90 minute roller coaster ride (I guess where he comes from, roller coasters are more or less flat tracks with occasional dips?), and see a little bit about my sick imagination (a guy takes his own serum and becomes a rampaging monster killing folks trapped in a subterranean area? How imaginative, you sick fuck!!!) and entertain (you failed).

“I want it to be like Tremors (it’s not) or Lake Placid (it’s not); where the characters were entertaining (nope), and when they were supposed to be scared they were scared (does he mean the characters or the audience? Either way, nope. Sizemore and the others barely seem concerned with the thing at all, let alone scared) and when they were supposed to have been grossed out (by what?? Half the shit in this ‘unrated’ version was off-screen) my guys did them justice and they got a little nausea (huh?) and if they do that, then I did my job (yeah well then you didn’t); I’ll be happy (that makes one of us) and hopefully get to do another one (oh I hope to Christ not).”

Also, one final note to distribution company Peace Arch entertainment – Stop being so fucking lazy. Every one of your so-called “unrated” DVDs (this, Dead Mary, The Mad, etc) has the exact same “Unrated” stamp on the cover. Same font, same shade of red, same angled location under the title... knock it the fuck off. Unless, of course, you are trying to warn discerning viewers away: “Oh look, this DVD looks just like that god awful Bottom Feeder movie. It must be from the same people. So fuck it.” In that case, by all means, recycle away!!

What say you?